I'm too young

I have had migraines for for about 15 years. It never concerned me enough to worry about them. As I got older they became less frequent, maybe once or twice a year. I had one at the early stages of this pregnancy just like I did with Kent. I didn't think anything about it. My doctor is aware and we prepared for it.

In the last 5 weeks I have gotten 4. They have entered a different kind of hell. I always saw floating lights, had difficulty speaking, and tingling in my hand before the pain set in. It is not as common as a regular migraine but it's managble. I am now having paralysis on one side and on one occasion couldn't find the words to talk to Superman. I knew what I wanted to say but it wouldn't translate to speech. I had to play charades with Superman to get him to understand what I wanted. I was scared. I found refereneces to what I was experiecing in medical texts but I was worried it was going to continue.

My last doctor appointment my doctor wanted to verify it was in fact just a complicated migraine or hemipelegic migraine so he sent me to a nuerologist who was willing to see me the next day. I assumed I would be seen, comforted and sent home with doctor's order to relax.

I was wrong. I am now scheduled for a MRI after this baby is delivered. He believes I might have had a mini-stroke with good recovery. So minor I was able to recover in a short period time. I was found to have a clotting disorder during my fertlity testing, which ultimately was to blame for my miscarriages. Apparently pregnancy, migraine history and the clotting disorder increases my chances enough where he is concerned.

I was devasted. Superman didn't go with me because we didn't think it would be a big deal. I still am very emotional and start to cry everytime I think about it. I just don't know how to deal with this. I have had so many different medical problems for someone my age, how did this happen to me? I know this hasn't been confirmed but he presentation did not give the impression he was just ruling it out to be safe.

I am scared and don't want to leave my family. I don't know how to deal with this.

So it begins

Last week, Superman sent the email to Krypto about the change in childcare and informed her of Clark's last day at after school care. And then...nothing. No response. No nasty texts. No hateful emails. So we waited. And waited.

On Sunday, he decided to text her and make sure she had no desire to put the account in her name. She simply said she had made an appointment with her attorney and the childcare would be putting Clark on the waiting list once the two weeks were up. She went on about how it was in Clark's best interest to stay in care and how it was not discussed with her. She went on to say because of joint custody the decision should have been agreed upon.

Superman merely responded the order states he must provide childcare and if she decides not to use what we provide she has every right to seek other care however at her own expense.

I just can't believe she doesn't see the difference. The papers don't require a level of childcare in fact it states "sitter". She says its whats best. Does she not understand if we can't afford it then it falls upon her to get it if she thinks it's what's best. So if Superman decided private school was what was best would she agree to pay for half? I somehow doubt it. She can be very picky when it's not her money she is playing with.

Now I am stressed out again. I know this is what we both expected but now that its actually happening it bothers me. I know she can't file contempt but that doesn't mean her attorney won't do it. I know she could force mediation but it would solve nothing since Superman will not agree to pay for childcare when I'm staying home. Why can't things just be easy? Hopefully her attorney will tell her she'll just have to deal with it if she doesn't want to pay for it herself. Fingers crossed and praying that a judge would see it wouldn't be fair for 2 kids to go to childcare because of a selfish mother of another.

Into the unknown

We all made it through Thanksgiving. It was our year without all the kids so it was definately a smaller affair than last year. We had made plans to travel this year to my husband's niece's house but so close to delivering we decided it was better to stay close to home.

In a matter of weeks I will embark on a new chapter in my life. I will be a stay at home mom. I have never been so nervous and unsure of my ability. I never imagined myself here. I would never have dreamed 6 years ago that no only would I be giving up working but I would be staying home with my kids.

Growing up, I was not very domestic. I was very driven and worked hard to earn my degree. I have worked practically my entire life. I have always been very good at my job and always have held positions of authority. During a job interview 6 years ago, I was asked where I would be at ini 5 years. I told him, I would most likely have his job.

I am preparing myself for an adjustment and hope I can handle this new direction my life has taken me. I know we are in for a fight when we let Krypto know about the upcoming change. I think we have decided to let her in on it in about a week. Here's hoping she accepts it. (I know...I can dream).

For any SAHM....how did you handle the transition and any advice?

Off to the attorney we go

We had our appointment with our attorney. Based on Superman's divorce decree he is required to "provide childcare until it is no longer needed." We had some questions we needed answered before we could ultimately make the decision I could stay home with the boys.

I love our attorney. She comes highly recommended and will tell you point blank if going to court or filing anything is a waste of time and money. She reviewed everything and she told us according to the agreement, I will be able to provide any after school care and not be required to pay for someone else to do it. Yay! Even if Krypto doesn't agree...which of course she will.

She also believes his child support on Lane will end next year when she turns 18. Her mother is currently "homeschooling" her. Which in reality means, Lane is taking courses at the community college and her mother hasn't taught her anything but because her not being enrolled at a high school we didn't know for sure if it would stop. After 16 years Superman will have complete control of his financial contribution to the girls.

So all in all, time well spent. Now we just have to tell Krypto what is about to happen and then see the sparks fly. Our attorney said she can't even file contempt charges until we go to mediation first which is a bonus for us.

I am so excited about being able to stay home with the boys. I feel like I missed so much with Kent. I have spent my days at work and so much mental space on trying to get pregnant that I feel like he grew up before my eyes and I missed it. Hopefully I can make up for lost time.

Baby ? has arrived.

Well Lois's baby arrived at 4:30am on November 1. Superman was informed by text at 10:30am. Along with the fact, she was delivered at her mother's house and the adopted parents had already taken possession. Awesome. Way to respect your father's feelings.

I was floored. She delivered her at her mother's house not by accident. After being sent home yesterday from the hospital, a decision was made to call a midwife "her mother knew". Awesome. This coming from Lois who has had no less than nine ER visits for unexplained pain and problems during this pregnancy. Now she decides at the last minute to have a home birth. Who does this?

And she "thinks" the new parents will take the baby to the doctor. Apparently she really doesn't have any thought to this new child. She finally got rid the of the problem that has been plaguing her for nine months. Within minutes of delivery she was on Faceb**k talking with friends about unrelated nothingness.

I just can't imagine. I was summoned to my doctor's office yesterday after my strong pain meds would not relieve my headache. I was put through a battery of tests and as I sit here, I am on a new pain med in order to function. Apparently a headache is a red flag that causes mass hysteria among OBGYNs. I still don't know the verdict. I do know I left the doctor's office with a fear I thought I was past in this pregnancy: losing my child to yet another unforeseen medical condition. I cried. I cried out of fear, frustration and the unfairness. So as I sit here thinking and praying for the best outcome of whatever is wrong, I can't help but judge a mother with no thought to her child.

Unfortunately my husband can't stop thinking about that same child who will never call him grandpa. His heart is breaking and I don't know what to do.

Upcoming Arrival

Because of my long absence, there are some very large holes in my story. The largest and the most looming over me right now is the birth of Lois's second child. Yes. She got pregnant again in February which only added to my mental status. There is of course drama relating to this pregnancy.

Initially she told everyone she got pregnant with a new guy in the picture, Non...on their first date. But very quickly the numbers didn't add up. Someone dealing with fertility issues, is not the person you lie to about conception dates and things. She managed to know she was pregnant and inform Non before a test would even show positive. I knew something was just not right.

Well fast forward to June of 2011. Non and Lois have big fight, things get physical, and Kara is hurt. Non denies it all and gets arrested for abusing both girls. Protective order gets put in place, which they both violate. Kara gets taken away by the state for about 2 weeks. The police determine Lois's story doesn't make since and now don't know who to believe. They are not sure if it was Lois or Non who hit Kara prior to the fight. All charges are dropped against both except violation of the order of protection which has been extended for a year.

Well after all that mess had died down, Lois announces low and behold the child is not in fact Non's but Otis, Kara's dad. The same person who she swore was crazy and stalking her. Well apparently it's not that bad if she managed get pregnant.

Her due date is in question, because she won't tell anyone the truth. Lexie went to one of the ultrasound appointments and the doctor basically said the due date was incorrect due to the size of the baby. Oops.

Well now Lois has decided to give this child up for adoption. This is the second time she has done this during this pregnancy. The first time was when her and Non were off in May before the big blowup. This adoption has brought up a lot of hurt feelings in the family.

I feel she made the decision to not protect herself so she needs to take responsibility. She still is not working a job. She is living with her mother and "working" for her. Once again she runs from any responsibility in order to not have to take action herself. Superman is devastated and there is nothing he can do. I just can't imagine carrying a child for nine months and giving them away especially knowing a sibling remains behind. The couple adopting the child is the pastor of the "church" Lois and Luther go to. So of course they are supportive of it. They tend to move churches a lot and are somewhat fanatical in there beliefs. Once they created their own church. I am spiritual however I questions someone's motives when they are obviously getting something out of it.

So any day now, Lois will bring a new child into the world and I don't know what that means for my own family. I remember watching an episode of Teen Mom and hearing a statistic that a large portion of teen mothers will have another child within the next year. Damn statistics are right again.

Musical doctor and lesson learned

About two weeks ago, I decided I would take it upon myself to arrange the normal yearly appointments for Clark and Kent. In another stroke of scheduling genius I decided to schedule all the boys', including Superman's, eye doctor's appointments at the same time. Clark and Superman have always gone together so adding another child to the mix should not have been difficult. In my mind, Clark would go first with Superman and Krypto in the room, afterwards she would leave and I would step in with Kent and the process would continue with Kent seeing the doctor examine Superman first so he wouldn't be scared. This is not how it happened.

The front desk took FOREVER to complete the paperwork to insurance even with us arriving early. Instead of sending one completed file back at a time she decided to send all three. Well this made the start time past the appointment time so this in turn, pushed the staff into panic mode. The tech called Clark back and immediately called Kent. We tried to explain our family dynamics and various relationships without the aid of a flowchart but it was too much. Superman ended up running back and forth between rooms and the doctor. He had to kick Krypto out of his appointment twice because staff kept trying to push her in the room. It should not be this hard.

When everything was said and done with glasses ordered. I was informed Clark had left his backpack in our vehicle and since he was going home to Krypto's that night I needed to get it. Clark, Krypto, Kent and I walked to the vehicle. I opened it retrieved the backpack and let the boys say goodbye one more time. Clark runs off with his mother yelling back at me, "Bye, Mom.". I knew I was going to pay for that one later. I didn't see her face but I know it turned to ice.

I go back inside to tell him about the comment and he in turns tells me his funny story. Krytpo wanted to get Clark contacts. I was shocked. This is the child who still get skid marks in his underwear and she thinks he's responsible enough to put something in his eye. This coming from the woman who can't wear contacts for any length because of the problems she had because she didn't take care of her own contacts. This coming from the woman who decided to flush Clark's live fish because the fish bowl was too dirty to clean. Great idea. Superman decided to let her ask the doctor and then say his peace. Apparently the doctor felt he was too young also and the issue would be revisited in 2 years and when both parents agree. Krypto decided to throw Clark under the bus for wanting them against her better judgment. Superman said Krypto was trying her hardest to make sure the doctor understood she was just bringing it up like she promised Clark she would.

So much to lose myself in

It's been awhile since I posted last. I thought about it randomly from time to time. Most of the last year I have experienced my greatest highs and my ultimate lows. I have withdrawn from the step-parent world in order to find myself again and to focus on my own needs. I have stepped back not only from this blog but I also feel like a little from the kids.

I was unhappy and sometimes resentful. It was brought on by our repeated failed attempts to conceive. We have miscarried two times with the most recent time April of 2010. I was devastated and bitter. My world revolved around my cycle and every month more panicked it was never going to happen.

We began fertility testing in November 2010. I began tests of all different kinds. All saying the same thing: I should be pregnant. I wanted answers. I wanted another child. In February of 2011 a small glimpse of hope emerged. A possible cause of the miscarriages with a treatment plan in place but the problem still remained. I was not pregnant. I was using a fertility monitor and testing every morning to check for ovulation. The fertility specialist advised fertility meds and we began the long process of fertility treatments. Two more months passed, more testing, and appointments were being made for IVF. This was our only option. Nothing else worked. I didn't know if I could sacrifice all our savings for a procedure that may or may not work. We were one of the lucky few that insurance covered a portion of the first attempt but that was it. We would have one shot.

The final month before IVF was to start I was scheduled to ovulate while Superman was out of town for training. This was the first month in 16 months I gave up hope. I chalked the month up to a failure and started preparing myself for the upcoming appointments. But they never came.

Easter weekend I saw something I had been praying for years. A little plus sign.

I tell all this not for this to become a infertility blog but to explain my resenting the kids and even their mothers more. I was upset the kids didn't understand my world did not revolve around them all the time and sometimes I admit their prescence reminded me of what I was missing. I was upset their mothers would revel in my sorrow and waste such a precious gift of having their children. I was upset they had the opportunity to stay home when their children were young, however I had to go to work and drop my child off at daycare in order to support their children now. I get upset and frustrated and for the most part this part of my story they will never know. I know what sacrifices I have made for my children. I was willing to do whatever it took to have my family complete... all of it.

I do not ask for gratitude, or recognition. What I discovered along this process was a need for understanding. I am still struggling with the massive changes happening in our lives and with the kids. But I am starting to test the waters to see if I'm ready to jump back in to the mix.

I'm back blogging...I think

I have once again gone an eternity without blogging. I am trying to find the energy to do it. Things around my house have gone from hectic, to frantic and slowly transitioned to a relative calm all of course while day-to-day ex/step drama continues.

In October my husband was involved in a shooting. He is a police officer and he was forced to draw his weapon on a man who wanted to die and made statements he was not going to go alone. He was late getting off work but I had no idea what was going on. I had staying home with a sick Kent and convinced Superman not to take off early that I would stay home all day. I will regret that decision for a long time to come.

I received a text from Superman telling me he was involved in a shooting, he was fine, and he would be interviewed before he could be released. My heart stopped. So as the good officer’s wife, I prepared dinner, put the kids to bed, and sat by the phone and television waiting on news. I replayed the morning events over and over. I have always asked Superman to wake me up before he leaves for work, no matter the time. I know there is always a chance he may not make it home and the least I can do is kiss him, tell him I love him and be careful no matter what time he leaves. I don’t crawl into bed until he is safely home. I racked my brains and could not remember doing that this particular morning.

To make matters worse, dispatch called the house looking for my husband. I was initially panicked which soon turned to livid after the call was ended. The people who should know where he is at are now calling me. I immediately got off the phone with them and called him on his cell phone. He answered almost immediately and then I explained what happened. Dispatch hadn’t tried his personal cell phone or even paged him in the building. Awesome job people. My husband is held to a higher standard by the public because he carries a gun, I hold dispatch to a higher standard because I put his safety in their hands every day. I filed a formal complaint.

Shortly after that I started fertility treatments. The medication is making me crazy I think.

On the stepmother front, Lois is having problems with Krypto. I actually took her home one day, I thanked her because Krypto’s attention is on her and I actually said to her, “I told you so.” But she doesn’t have a whole lot of choices right now because she has burned everyone else in the family.

Thanksgiving went really well. My mother and sister came in along with Superman’s sister. I baked my first pumpkin pie and my first attempt at homemade stuffing went really well. Now I’m gearing up for Christmas where once again we will be playing host to everyone.

Our visitation schedules has Christmas split and every other year we get Christmas morning. This is the first year, Kent will really be able to enjoy it but the other kids won’t get there till 2pm. I’m trying to decide how to do it. Does he open all presents? Only for Santa? Do you spend more on the children who are in the house all the time since they don’t have another house to go to? Any suggestions on it would be great.

Weekend Getaway

As a reward program for Clark, he can earn certain things for behaving and doing his school work. Last year, he completed 15 days of "green days" (he didn't get in any trouble and completed all his work) in a row. He earned a trip to the zoo, which is about four hours away.

This past weekend we were finally able to schedule it and made plans to go. Everyone was excited. We had planned letting the kids stay the night with their cousin who lives in the same city. She was excited to have the kids. We were taking advantage of the time for a much needed break to relax.

Everything was great at the zoo. Hot but good. The kids were having a good time and Kent was enjoying being pushed around all day. We packed everything up and went to go check into the room before dropping the kids off.

Then the sky opened up.

It was raining, wind blowing and baseball size hail falling from the sky on our newly repaired Nissan. I believe I was having a panic attack in the passenger seat. I don't do well in heavy traffic and apparently, do even worse with hail denting the car. I was sure any minute the windshield was going to bust. We made it to the hotel and of course their was a shuttle parked under the awning. We ran for the door. After numerous trips back and forth and about 3 gallons of water in Superman's shoes, the needed luggage was brought to the room. The room we had reserved had one king side bed. Awesome.

After about 2 hours the storm let up so we packed the kids up and took them over to her house to continue with the original plans. Little did we know the storm had other plans. On the way back to the hotel, more rain, hail and wind came our way.

We made it back to the room only to have the awning full of motorcycles. I went to the room and promptly called the front desk. I asked if I could park my car under the awning since they could and prevent other people from using it to drop off. I was upset to say the least. The night didn't get any better. Our room was by a very popular exit which woke us up every time the door opened.

We got up on Sunday, exhausted. We packed, got the kids, and headed home. We pulled into the driveway and I was never so happy to see my house. Don't get me wrong the day with the kids was great but COME ON!!!

We have to go back in 3 weeks for a birthday party. I will making my reservations early and with directions on what room I want. Wish us luck.

As My World Turns.....

I am learning to navigate a previously unexplored territory for my family. Since Lois's baby, Kara, arrival I have been attempting to figure out how all this is supposed to work. This entire situation is only made worse by the fact, Lois continues to reside with Krypto.

I have made my plans known to Superman and he seems supportive, which I'm thankful for. I have decided I will not be watching Kara or picking her up. I will also not be providing any unsolicited information to Lois unless asked directly (more info on that later). No more will Superman be the messenger. I have not set any limits on when Lois and Kara can come over. I have requested Superman not watch Kara on every weekend. Lois having a child and needing a babysitter does not take priority over the children getting to participate in activities. So far it's working out but it is still very early and only to get more complicated.

Now, Kara's daddy, Otis, enlisted in the Marines and went to basic training in May of this year. He finished his 12 weeks and managed to get 30 day hardship pass to come home to see Kara. Superman and I were both were surprised he finished basic. We both knew this was a good thing for Lois and Kara since the military would force him to support his child.

While on the leave, he signed support papers for his first daughter. She is just 8 months older than Kara. I know, he's a winner. Now this support amount was based on what is making in the military so he's going to be paying about $425 monthly for his first child. He however did not sign any support paperwork for Lois.

Well a new development happened last week. Otis is getting Other Than Honorable discharged from the Marines. Awesome. Now Lois is trying to figure out what to do and how this will effect her support. (She doesn't know it yet, but based on his projected income she will be getting about $165 monthly which doesn't even cover child care) She has been trying to get information from me by way of Superman. I'm tired of playing this game of telephone. I told Superman she can now call me if she needs information. As I have mentioned I work at my state's child support enforcement unit. I could provide her with a great deal of useful information but it has been a week and still no call. Lots of "oh gosh. What am I going to do?" to Superman but not once has she taken the energy to pick up the phone.

This is a continuing problem with Lois. She wants everyone to do things for her. She failed to turn in her Medicaid paperwork when she was pregnant so as of today, she owes about $1300 for her pregnancy and about $6500 for Kara's birth. I still don't know if she has applied. If she doesn't do it in the next 30 days the state will not cover the Kara's bills for the birth. Lexie and Luther are planning on giving her a car once a suitable car can be found that fits into their budget. While at our house, Lois was complaining she hadn't gotten it yet. I bit my tongue. Nearly off. Thank god Superman spoke up about being grateful instead of so self-absorbed.

She wanted me to get the paperwork from work for her to fill out. After the fiasco with the Medicaid, when she basically ignored by advice, I decided I would no longer be offering any more help. I was done. It took her 6 weeks to call and get the application sent to her. And she still hasn't sent it back. And even Krypto has gotten into the mix. She text Superman last week "concerned" about Otis's child support.

Now how does my husband's ex wife's roommate's baby daddy's first baby's momma's child support matters any of her business? I know it's difficult to follow but welcome to my world. She assumes because she works in a payroll office she knows that child support goes back to birth (which it doesn't), and people get arrested after $5000 (which they don't). I honestly don't know if Krypto is so concerned because she might be losing the guaranteed money from Lois or if she is worried Otis will have to hide out at her house.

The relationship status between Lois and Otis changes daily if not hourly. She tells us they are not together but then she gets flowers at work from him. I give up. Otis sent Lois a letter during basic that was intended for another girl. Dumbass put it in the wrong envelope. If she's willing to keep him around after that anything that happens after that is her own fault. Unfortunatly Kara will have to suffer the consequences of this back and forth.

I am part of a complicated clusterf%#@!!! I need a vacation and a cocktail.

My 10s

I saw this on a friend's facebook and really got me thinking. I need to focus on more positive things and why I continue stay even with all the turmoil around me. So here is my first set of 10s.

10 things...

that make me smile.

1. When Superman sends me a text "I miss you" just because he does.
2. My beautiful, energetic and lovable 17 month old playing peek-a-boo in his crib at the video monitor when he is supposed to be sleeping. He can entertain himself for an hour with his hands, a blanket and his pillow.
3. My best friend in the entire world having a healthy baby boy after trying for 6 years to get pregnant.
4. Clark and Kent holding hands as they walk into school.
5. Superman's voice as he talks so softly to his granddaughter.
6. Lane listing me as her mother on Facebook and Lexie who is secure enough to know that doesn't take anything away from her relationship with her daughter.
7. My life. Five years ago I was working at a job I hated, living in a city away from all my family and friends, and just broke up with my boyfriend to taking a big leap of faith and changing jobs, moving to a new city and meeting the man who would become my husband on my third day of work.
8. My husband snuggled up next to me as I sleep.
9. Superman's giggle. When he gets really tickled by something he gets an out of character giggle. This in turn sets me off. I can not control my laughter. This creates a vicious cycle of one person regaining control only to lose it again when the other person giggles. The most memorable incident was during my birthing class's breathing exercises. I'm surprised we didn't get thrown out.
10. When ALL my children are together happily playing together. It doesn't happen very often but when it does, for that moment I know all the pain and heartache has been worth it.

D Day

I'm sitting in my office with the door closed. Today is the day. Superman just called to tell me they are inducing Lois. Today is delivery day.

And here I sit. In my office. Alone. Crying.

I am crying for the babies I have lost. I am crying for yet another family event I feel excluded from. I am crying for the impact this will certainly have on my marriage.

I have not wanted to imagine her giving birth. I knew it would eventually happen of course but I didn't want to even think about the consequences it would bring with it. We have survived the pregnancy it seems but will we all fair as well after the birth.

I feel so guilty about a lot of things the last few months. I have come to a realization that I don't like my oldest stepdaughter. There is said it. She has turned into someone I don't know anymore and if it wasn't for my husband, she would never step foot in my home. She has lied, stolen, and deceived every member of her family. I do not have the parental blindness that seems to effect her Lexie and Superman. They are all in agreement she is spiraling out of control. But I do not have the luxury or misfortune of having this blindness.

I know I do not have the right to put restrictions on my husband's relationship with Lois. I would never make him choose between us. He knows where my relationship stands with her. He has tried his best to ask if I can handle her coming over and working with me. He is also trying not to cater to her. But will all this change with a grandbaby? Will this new arrival erase the memory of everything she has done? Will she continue to take advantage of everyone and scheme and lie or will this force maturity on her?

So I will be home tonight with Kyle and Kent. Trying not to think about what is happening at the hospital.

I know my writing has been sporadic. But just to do a quick update. Lois left our house, moved in with her mother, left her house, and moved in with Krypto and Krypto's parents. Yes, you read that right. Well last month, Krypto and Lois moved into an apartment. FOUR blocks from our house. Fucking awesome.

Hiatus from the Blog

I have not posted in over two months. A lot has happened. Some good, some bad, mostly just complicated. I have not had the energy. I have felt defeated and detached from everyone lately. No ones fault really. Just taking a hard look at myself and the situation I find myself in. Summer visitation is done until next year and my house and schedule are once again my own.

I have been reading everyone's blogs and find myself wishing I could find the peace I have read about. Or at least the ability to handle the everyday drama and not let it effect me. I know I should not let it bother me but HOW do you actually learn to do that? In my mind I equate that with telling me to become Asian. That's not going to happen no matter how hard I try. And that's what I feel I am up against most days.

We are trying to get pregnant which brings up an entirely different set of emotions. Especially since I find myself completely surrounded by pregnant women.

Superman read an email last night I accidentally sent to the house about a blog I follow. He asked about it. Apparently I will never join the CIA or go deep undercover because I was about as graceful as an elephant on roller skates trying to explain it without revealing my own blog. I gave up. I didn't want to give the impression I was hiding something from him. So I explained to him what I had been doing for the last 18 months. He read my first entry, teared up, looked at me and said "I'm sorry". He read a couple more random posts and logged out.

He told me it could still be my secret if I wanted it to be. If I needed this then to continue doing it. He seemed to understand I needed confirmation outside of my own little world that I'm not crazy and get some understanding without judgement.

Week in Review

My life has carried on. Mother's Day has come and gone. My role as wife and mother was celebrated by my husband and Kent. The other kids were with their own mothers. I was pampered and got to take a day off from diaper duty.

I was fine until late that night when I cried. I cried for what should have been, for our loss and for possible future heartbreak. I was supposed to be entering my second trimester not coping with the loss of yet another child.

Trying to get pregnant is not fun. Worrying about cycles, timing, temperatures, injections, not to mention all the worries about what might happen. The more you learn about how to get pregnant the more you wonder how anyone every manages to do it by accident. I know Superman wanted to be done by his next birthday. His dad died when he was very young and he decided a long time ago he would not put his kids through that. He wants to be able to enjoy his kids while they are still young. I have always agreed with him. This time table has added to my stress level. I haven't had the courage to ask him how the recent events might effect that timeline. I'm not ready for an answer.

On a different note, Mr. Wonderful, Lois's boyfriend/baby daddy has officially left for Marine basic training. My prediction: he gets discharged for "medical reasons". She has been talking more to Superman. She says she misses Kent. She hasn't seen him in 2 months. He told her she could come by the house at anytime. She asked if I was still mad at her. She made it sound like I refused to let her come over. I am not the one who made the declaration about not coming over unless I wasn't home. She did that all on her own.

Her graduation is this Saturday. Superman has asked if I am coming. I told him I will not be attending unless I know she wants me there. He has asked if he can invite her over for dinner this week. I was on the fence. Then something happened. She sent me a text on Mother's Day. A simple Happy Mother's Day. I was shocked. So was Superman. I told him to invite her over. I guess we both can give a little.

Mother's Day

As a stepmother I have found I never get to make a decision based solely on what I want to do. I can't just answer a simple question. I find myself playing out scenarios in my head of the possible consequences of even a simple decision.

I was helping Clark with his homework on Wednesday. In the middle of reading his book he looks at me and begins to tell me about the Mother's Day tea at school. He asked me if I was going to it. He says, "It's for mothers, stepmom, and everything." I started to tear up. I couldn't help it. He was looking up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. The eyes of my husband and my own son. I knew I was walking in a minefield. How could I possibly go? This would be the first shot fired in World War III. I tried my best to explain to Clark that his mother was going to be going and she probably would want to spend some special time at school with him. I told him I would so happy he asked me.

He finished his work and went to his room. Superman tells me Clark talked to him on Monday about asking me to go. He also told Superman he had made me something special at school. During school the classes have been making something for the tea party. His teacher apparently asked Clark and another little boy if they wanted to make another one for their stepmothers. She explained to the class some people have more than one mom or dad. Clark was really excited he got to make another one for me. She also explained all different kinds of mothers could come to the tea. (I love this woman!!!)

I thought the subject was settled until this morning. As I was fixing to leave, Clark asked me if I was going to be able to make it to the tea. I told him I would love to go but I think his mom really wants to spend some time with him alone. He responds, "I spend time with my mom alone all the time." Ok. I have no response to that. So I try again. I say, "I don't want your mom to be..." I can't find the right words. I can't tell him his mother is a vengeful hateful bitch whose mere existence is meant to torment me and who will not rest until I have been eliminated from his life. As I pause to find the right word Clark simply says "Mad".

He knows. I know. She will be mad. I try to cover and say, "I don't want her feelings to be hurt or her to be uncomfortable." He then says, "But I'm going to sing two songs." Seriously. Is he trying to break my heart?? I tell him he can sing them for me on Tuesday. He seems disappointed and hurt. I tell him I would love to go. Over. And. Over. Superman steps in a attempts to help. Clark seems to understand.

Am I making the right decision? Should I just say screw the undeclared peace treaty and take a chance this won't be as bad as I imagine? Or am I stepping on "Real" Mommy toes here?

Talking About Loss

We told Clark on Sunday. After researching lots of different ways to explain what miscarriage is we decided to stick with a simple approach. We didn't really discuss the medical aspects or terminology. We explained sometimes when a woman gets pregnant God knows that something is wrong with the baby. He decides it would be best to take the baby back to heaven to fix them. When the time is right he would send us another baby to love just as much as him, Kent and the baby we lost.

We were trying to make sure he wasn't scared God was going around snatching babies or that something would happen to Lois's baby. He seemed to understand. He asked a few questions. I did start to cry which confused Clark. Superman tried to explain it was sad day for us. He then said, "It's a sad day for all of us." It broke my heart.

After going through this again I have realized that many women have miscarriages but no one discusses them. It's not a comfortable subject for the person who suffered the loss or anyone around them. It's hard to know what to say to someone. I know this is not my fault and I couldn't have done anything different but you can't help but feel somehow it is. Will people think I deserve this or somehow I caused this? So instead of taking the chance of being judge harshly or unfairly it is hidden.

Many women have discussed their own story with me after they realize I too have suffered the same agonizing loss. The code of silence is breached and a flood of information and emotion comes to the surface. A person has to be initiated before you can openly discuss it.

I am slowly getting back to enjoying life. I have my moments but I think I am doing better than the last time. The last time I was in bed for two weeks and couldn't function. I was devastated and broken. This time I refused to suffer the same agony again. Sheer will got me through the first few days. I will be forever grateful the kids were with their respective mothers during that week. It did make it easier to experience without watchful eyes.

Now if I could get the picture of the heartbeat out of my head I would be great....

My Loss

The news wasn't good on Monday but not totally unexpected. I had a miscarriage. The doctor thinks it was Friday morning from everything I have told him. I keep telling myself it wasn't meant to be but right now that is just not good enough. I go to the doctor in June to run further tests so we can see if there is a reason I continue to miscarriage. Getting pregnant is not the problem carrying to term seems to be where the problem lies.

My heart is broken and my spirit crushed. Once again life has proven to be unfair. And the quesiton of Why Me? still remains unanswered. I have been down this road before. When Superman and I were married we immediately starting trying to get pregnant. Just a few months of trying and we were pregnant. For a few weeks everything felt right in my world. Then it was shattered by the loss of the baby.

I am trying to stay positive and not let this drag me into a depression like the last time. Superman believes I had not truly recovered from it until Kent was born.

I am not looking forward to Krypto finding out about the miscarriage. Her being joyful in my sorrow will be too hard to take. We also have not told the kids yet. They are with their mothers and we wanted to tell them in person. Clark was never aware of the first miscarriage. I don't even know how to begin to tell a 7 year old about this...any ideas would be appreciated.

Prayers for my baby

We told the kids this weekend. They were excited. We then told the rest of the family. But the news may have been told too soon.

I started to bleed yesterday afternoon. The doctor was unwilling to commit to anything until after the blood work and ultrasound was completed.

I had a miscarriage before Kent was born. My heart is breaking and I fear the worst.

We had the ultrasound this morning. We saw a normal heartbeat. The doctor said this was best we could hope for. Now I'm waiting to hear from the doctor about the radiologist report and blood work.

My fingers are crossed but my heart is heavy.

It's a Secret

A lot has been happening in the last few days and I haven't been able to bring myself to blog about it. I find myself more negative than I would like to be in my posts. I have been so tired and trying to look for this silver lining I've heard so much about. No catastrophes have happened lately and for that I am thankful.

The meeting went well last Friday at Clark's school. No major drama. When the meeting was over the the principal asked everyone to sign a letter of agreement I politely passed the paper by so Superman could sign. I know when it comes to the school my signature means nothing and I'm okay with that. Not to mention I don't want to cause trouble just to cause trouble.

Apparently Luther has issued an ultimatum to Lois. She is either going to stop this yo-yo dating with Mr. Wonderful or she needs to live somewhere else. He is treating her badly and it has become an everyday drama. Off and then on again relationship drama. Luther told her she can give him information on the baby but the other stuff has got to stop. They are tired of dealing with the aftermath of every fight. If she can't have a stable relationship with him then she shouldn't have one. She has no options right now so I don't know what she will decide.

On a completely different note last night we found out some great news.

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

We were both shocked. Still are in fact. I have always in the past made Superman look at the test first because of all the disappointments in our history. Last night I took one just so I could stop thinking about it. I was floored when it was positive. So after telling Superman of course the first thing we did was go get another one to take. Silly girl.

Come December another member will be added to our little family. We are trying to decide when to tell the kids. They have always known another addition was possible so I don't know how they will react. We are thinking about telling them Easter weekend. That is the next time all the kids will be together for any length of time.

So in this moment of pure joy I have to consider how Krypto is going to take the news. Is hoping she will not react badly to much to ask for???

Karma

I honestly thought when karma reared its head on Lois I would feel happy or at least that all is right in the universe.

I was wrong.

Mr. Wonderful and Lois have broken up. He apparently was telling the first baby momma he still missed her among other things he was doing.

He then told Lois he was still going to need rides to school. HUGE BALLS.

No one deserves to be alone and pregnant. She is going to face so many struggles in the future. I wish they wouldn't have started so early.

No matter what she's done to me or our family she still deserves our support and good wishes. I'm sorry I didn't always show her that.

Week in Review

Lois has a new BFF...Krypto. They hang out and text all the time. I'm slowly learning not to let it bother me anymore. I know what is going to happen ultimately. One or the other will stab the other in the back when it suits their own needs. Some of the other family has expressed some concern with them hanging out. They don't understand it anymore than I do.

She texted Superman last week to let him know she was having a little girl. I'm glad she told him. At least the lines of communication are still open.

Kent is officially one years old. We had a party for him and all the family came, minus Lois. She decided to go to the movies with Krypto instead. Lane sent a text to Lois with a picture of Kent in his birthday. Superman asked her not to send anymore. If she wants to see him she can stop by at anytime but otherwise she is not allowed to get electronic copies of any pictures. She was upset and doesn't think we should be doing that. We tried to explain that Lois is an adult and gets to make her own decisions however those decision do not include Kent.

Our parent teacher conference is causing issues on both sides. The school requested we have combined conferences so we can discuss Clark's physical therapy and school info in one meeting instead of two. We have had separate conference since he was in preschool. Krypto was all excited. She has been trying to get combined conference since he was in preschool. She thinks I don't have a right to be there. We discussed it and since the school is mandating combined conferences we decided I would still attend. Krypto apparently figured I would and attempted to contact the principal. She told him that I was not allowed to go per the court order and she just now found out I had been going (OK can anyone say LIAR.)

I was very surprised the school told her that I would be allowed to attend because the court order did not include any of the language she referred to. When that failed she sent a text to Superman telling him the conference will only include her and him. That she is tired of me and I should mind my own business.

The order states the communication is to take place between mom and dad and not third parties. All communication is to be carried out by phone or email. Basically I am not the messenger or is Clark. That doesn't me I can't be involved at all. As usual she is trying to read more into the order than is there.

On a positive note for me, Clark brought home some fundraising items from school. It is his artwork turned into a magnet. He drew our family. It was soooo sweet. At first we didn't ask him about it because I was afraid it was going to be Krypto in the picture with Superman, Clark, and Kent. Clark eventually saw the magnet on the table and started telling Superman about it. It's ME!! I guess the little things can make my day.

Drastic Measures

A simple request turned into a HUGE ordeal.

On Saturday night, I noticed Lois had friended Krypto on Facebo*k. She's an adult. She can do what she wants I guess. We already knew she had been talking with her and hanging out with her recently.

While she was living with us we allowed her to upload some pictures of Kent onto her Faceb**k with very specific directions. She was to keep her privacy settings so no one else could see and she could not have Krypto as a friend.

Because of her recent decisions we asked her to take down the pictures of her brother. Krypto already had a picture of my son on her phone and I didn't want her accessing all of his newborn pictures we had taken. Little did we know this request would become such a cluster.

She basically told us she was not taking the pictures down because we didn't have a good enough reason and he is her brother. WTF!!!! Oh HELL no. In what universe did she think that was going to end the debate. Sister does not trump mommy and daddy. EVER.

So I took matters into my own hands. I contacted the photographer and asked if I could make a request to have the pictures removed on her behalf by Faceb**k. She agreed. I then proceeded to contact the local police and ask if they would make contact with her. Which they did.

She was furious and talking in circles. She thought we were being childish and our reasons weren't valid. She thinks Krypto is trying to be nice and the relationship would be better if I wasn't causing all these problems. Of course. It always comes back to me. It was like listening to Krypto talk about how everything was better before I came along.

Superman got off the phone upset and hurt.

This morning I found Lois had defriended me and set her privacy setting so I couldn't see the album. Does she think I'm stupid?

Well her scheme didn't work because a few hours later I got an email from Faceb**k. The pictures have been removed for copyright violations.

I understand she is my husband's daughter. But who the fuck does she think she is telling me what and who can have access to my son? I have been told countless times I am not the mommy so I don't get to make the decisions regarding the steps. But guess what bitch, I am the mommy now. For real. She has no idea who she is messing with. Now I'm just waiting to see what her response is once Faceb**k tells her the pictures were removed.

Happy Anniversary

To my husband

I never thought I could find a man who had everything I was looking for: a sense of humor, a loving heart, and a faithful soul. Someone who could be my friend and the father of my children. I never thought I would find the man of my dreams...until I met you.

We have been through hard times but I wouldn't change a thing. I could not be on this journey without you. I love doing life with you.

Happy Anniversary.

The Control is Lost

I came home last night from a long work day and an unexpected trip to the grocery store to find out the Lois had gone over to Krypto's house with Mr. Wonderful. I was upset. After all Krypto has said and done to our family why would she do that? She walks up behind me and tells me it's up to her to make that decision.

I am hurt. I have been thinking about it since. I think my biggest problem is I feel like I have been stabbed in the back. Shouldn't there be some kind of loyalty to me? I get she wants to see her brother but HELLO he is here half the time. I also don't trust Lois not to get around her and give Krypto information about us. Lois tends to follow the company she keeps.

I am the one who gets held to a higher standard than everyone else. If I have a bad day then I must hate the kids and ultimately will cause the severe emotional problems for life. I get the eye rolls that are not given to anyone else of authority in their lives. When we discuss things and I cry because my feelings are hurt then I am trying to somehow manipulate the situation to my advantage.

I am tired. I am tired of having to protect myself from people I should consider my family. I am tired of being held to an unrealistic standard. I am tired.

So I have decided to take control of the areas that I can. I asked Superman to have the girls take all pictures of me and Kent off their facebooks. Their cousin is now their friend and she is currently living with Krypto. I will not allow someone I do not trust access to pictures of my son. If they refuse to do it I have decided I will contact Facebook itself.

I have contacted Kent's daycare and taken Lois off the pick up list. If I do not trust her judgement how can I allow her unfettered access to my son along with anyone she wants to bring.

I know this may be an overreaction but I need to feel like I am doing something and don't have any other way to handle it. How do I stop this feeling that I need to protect myself from everybody around me now? I don't think everyone should have to choose but I'm not going around befriending all their ex-counterparts either. God knows if I did that I would be crucified.

I know this latest development will have repercussions for us. Krypto will use Lois until she no longer has a use for her. She will then step all over her to get what she wants. They will be our consequences and once again she will not have to suffer for her decisions.

Attorney Visit

We had our meeting with the attorney on Wednesday. It was a double edged sword. We both walked out feeling relieved and frustrated. The attorney listened to all we had to say. She agreed some of the things were a little "weird" and sometimes her judgement was questionable. After Superman poured over the most recent events she stopped and asked how this is effecting Clark.

We both were caught a little of guard by the question. After everything we told her we both realized Clark is a resilient little boy who may have parents that fight and sometimes hate each other but like we have been saying all along. He is a normal healthy happy boy.

We don't have anything to show a judge Clark is suffering in any way. We are but that doesn't count. You can be crazy parent as long as you don't make the kids crazy. So ending joint custody is not an option right now. For either of us.

So while we may have to deal with the situation for some time to come she is going to have to deal with it also. Which is a little comforting. No surprise attacks that we have to be on edge about. The frustration comes in knowing Clark will have to be hurt or suffering in some way in order to do anything. We can't prevent it just repair the damage after it's done.

So we are setting up another mediation appointment with Krypto. To help resolve the issues we are having and try to put some boundaries on her with the court.

Tuesday at Dad's

Lois will be coming over tonight for dinner. It is also the midweeks visits with Lane and Clark. Once again Superman will have all his kids under one roof. And that make me happy.

This will be the first time she's seen her room since she left. It's in the process of being painted blue by Superman and Clark. Hopefully this doesn't hurt her feelings.

After dropping Clark off tonight we are going to swing by and see the Cousin. Because of all the bad weather here recently he didn't get a chance last week. We have the appointment tomorrow with the attorney tomorrow so tonight is our last chance to get it done.

I asked Superman if I could go to the attorney. He said sure. I tried to ask in a no-big-deal-you-won't-upset-me-and/or-this-is-not-a-trap-if-you-say-no-manner. I wanted to go but I didn't want to feel like I was pushing it on him. I, of course, didn't think he thought about it long enough. So I spent the next ten minutes trying to convince him by text he could tell me no if he wanted and he could take time if he needed. He responded, "The appointment with our attorney is at 3."

I know it's stupid but the simple phrase of "our attorney" made me smile. Fingers crossed only good news comes from the attorney.

Tangled Webs

Well last night went better than I expected. Superman talked to Lane. He explained what Krypto was claiming. She sorted out what was a half-truth, what was a misinterpretation and what was a blatant lies.

She did admit she did express some concerns to her mother about Clark. She is noticing he is not getting the same amount of attention since Kent has been born. She said she remembers when Clark was born and she felt the same way.

Ok. I can see her concern. This is a big issue with Superman. Superman has many regrets in his life. This is a major one for him. He wishes he had done things differently or could make it up to her now. It broke his heart that she is worried about Clark having the same feelings. He explained we have done everything to try make the transition easier on him. We took him to sibling classes and Superman makes its a point to spend one-on-one time with him. But there will be a little bit of those feelings no matter what we do. Things have changed. He is no longer an only child most of the time.

After talking to her Superman he then talked to Lois. Her statements were in line with what Lane had said. Her concern was Clark has gotten used to her being there and now she wasn't. Which is completely true. Superman told her again not to let them money issue stand in the way of her coming over. We have not mentioned money to her since she moved out.

While talking to Lois, Lexie and Luther came outside. Lexie admitted talking to her but she said Krypto carried most of the conversation. Lexie said she was very short with her answers and did not imply in any way she was concerned for the girls or Clark or Kent. She said the girls did have concerns about Clark but they were not anything like that. Krypto was obviously digging for information and she had manipulated the information she was given into what she wanted to hear.

It's far from over but at least I don't feel like we are getting stabbed in the back by our family. So now he just has to talk to the cousin. Once that is done there is no doubt Krypto will know we know everything.

Now Who's Mad? Oh The Irony

Well things went from bad to worse and then a slight glow started to appear at the end of the tunnel.

On Friday we decided to lay low for a little bit. See what developed and then talk to the girls. He was going to Lane out to lunch and see if she had any concerns. That didn't work out because Superman got a migraine so it put our plans on hold.

Come Monday, Krypto takes it up a notch. She tells Clark's teacher she is concerned because we wouldn't let his sister eat and she was almost hospitalized. I was furious. We can't say anything too specific because of who we are getting our info from. Krypto knows her extremely well. So we decide he needs to make contact with the school. He advises the teacher Krypto is making allegations about him and would like to know if she's made contact. He told Clark doesn't know what is going on to his knowledge and would like it kept that way. The teacher does not confirm anything but does advise him she will discuss it with the counselor and principal.

At the end of the day an email was sent. To. Both. Parents. It basically said all communication would be kept confidential and no emails would be forwarded. If there is a problem it would need to be worked out without involving the school. They are a neutral party.

Now keep in mind we know she contacted the school. She doesn't know we did. She is furious. She believes her cover is blown. Little did she know we already knew everything. She is telling her friends the school is refusing to do anything and she's pissed off because they broke the confidentiality by sending it to Superman too.

We respond to the teacher with a simple thank you for looking into it. I think the responses speak volumes about what each party was attempting to get accomplished.

Tonight he is going to talk to Lane during his midweek visit and then Lois after that hopefully. Depending on what is said will determine if the cousin is going to be confronted tonight. Hope everything works out.

Mad As Hell

I just got off the phone with Superman and I am spitting fire. His niece called him earlier and told him Krypto was asking about problems at our house and Lane wanting to come over to our house more to watch over Clark. If she knew anything. She told her she had no idea what she was talking about.

I then get a copy of an email Kryto wrote to someone else...I would post it in it's entirety but I'm afraid it would come up on a search so here the gist of it.

I talked to Superman' s ex Lexie today and she was telling me that the girls ( Clark' s sisters) are concerned for Clark when he is over at their at Superman's...his wife is not very nice to him or them...she proceeded to also tell me that the oldest ( Lois ) since she got pregnant and she was living with Superman that he made her rent their car from them , pay rent, also they would ask her what she needed from the store and they would not buy food for her so she lost 15 to 20 pounds because of them not allowing her to eat much of anything...Lane now has a mid week visit with Superman on Tuesday's because she asked to because knew Clark was there every other Tuesday and she wanted to keep and eye on him....Clark got sent home from after school care on Monday because he was throwing up ...when I got home with him he asked me what day it was and I told him it was Monday and he said he thought it was Friday and that he was going to his dad's...I have contacted the school counselor ...I didn't know if that since there is concern for Clark when hes there by his sisters that see what's going on if there was anything else I needed to be doing besides getting the counseling started back up..

What load of bull shit is that??? There is just enough truth to that conversation that it led me to believe Lois is telling lies to her cousin who is still in contact with Krypto. (Yes, the same cousin who gave Krypto pictures of Kent)

I think this email is a combination of 3 liars converging in one place and playing a bad game of liar telephone. One person tells the person next to them and then that person tells the next but instead of repeating it, it is made worse, so on and so forth.

Yes, Lois was required to pay for a set amount for food, car insurance, and the difference in utilities, and her own phone bill. All that added up $200.00. Oh my gosh someone call social services.

If that girl lost 20 lbs out our house I would like to know where it went because the girl was asking to borrow my maternity pants before she even made it to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy.

The idea of a midweek was by court order that Superman fought hard for. It was hardly Lane's idea approved by her mother.

She's so concerned for Clark she asked to spend the night with a friend tomorrow.

Clark is in a horrible position. His parents don't get along. His loyalties are divided I'm sure. But I don't think he says bad things about our house. Just like he doesn't bad mouth his mother over at ours. He does make comments about certain things but we don't read to much into it. When he mentioned he wished he had his own room at his mom's that doesn't mean he hates being at his mom's. He's seven and dealing with a crazy situation. He loves his parents. Both of them. He needs them. Both of them.

I called Superman and told him if him he needed to get to the bottom of the situation. If we confirm this is coming from Lois and her lies she is not welcome in my home. She needed to confronted in front of her mother. She thinks she can play both sides and have no consequences. Well guess what? Consequences just met Karma and they are getting ready to whoop some ass!!

Moving Things

We decided after some long discussions that Lois's room should not sit vacant waiting on the chance she might decide to come spend the night. At first, Superman was hesitant about changing the rooms around. He was concerned she would think we were pushing her even farther away. I tried to express to him the unfairness of the situation. Our son, who is the only child here 24/7, did not have a room and would soon be turning a year old. Was it really fair to ask Clark, who is here half the time, to share with his brother while a room sits empty?

We decided before Kent was born we would leave the kids in their rooms. It wasn't worth moving everyone around. Kent would be in our room for some time anyways. I compromised on having a cute nursery for the time being. It was more important to make the transition easier. But now I can not imagine the reason for leaving half of the bedrooms sit empty except for 4 nights a month.

Lois was told it was not a revolving door when she decided to leave. She could not bounce from one house to the other if she was upset with the rules. She was told she would always have a bed to stay if she wanted to visit. And she does, just like any other family that stays with us. Its the bottom bunk. It sleeps quite nice I'm told.

Clark is excited about the move. We are transitioning him to Lois's room since it is farther away than his old room. Kent will be moving in Clark's old room. Clark showed her what was going on when she was over last night. She apparently asked Superman about the move before I got home. She asked why he was moving. He tried to explain the boys deserved to have their own rooms since Lois was no longer living here. He explained the room shouldn't sit empty. She was surprised and said Lois was going to come over on weekends. (Which she hasn't.) Superman told her she hadn't come over since she left and enough time had passed to show she wasn't going to be coming over enough to make it fair to leave it.

What are we supposed to do? Make a shrine to her. Honestly.

When Luther's daughter was asked to leave their house, I mean, when it was mutually agreed it would be best if she left the house, the rooms were reassigned the same night. But I guess there are different standards that we are being judged by.

New Year so Far

I have been MIA for some time now. I needed a little break to put my life in perspective and think about the changes in the last few months. I'm back in the groove and I think I may have found my sanity along the way.

We started the New Year with one less person in the house. Lois moved out right before the new year. We weren't home and we had moved all her things into the garage so Mr. Wonderful and Luther could help her without having to come into the house.


We provided her the bills she has accumulated since she moved in with us. Superman asked that she pay the phone bill since it was due soon. She told us she would definitely would have the money. She asked if she could keep the SIM card until she got paid on Friday. Superman agreed. I was under the assumption she would stop using the phone on that day. I was mistaken.


On Friday she didn't make contact and Superman texted her. She said she couldn't cash her check because of the holiday. Fair enough. Saturday came and went and nothing. She was still using the phone. On Sunday Superman finally called her. She gave excuses about how she was at her grandparents house and thought he was going to call her. Ok. When he asked her why she was still using the phone when she had no intention of paying for it she said once again she was going to. Eventually she started crying . I listened to the entire conversation. He was not mean. He was not rude. He never even raised his voice. He ended the conversation telling her he did not want to money to come between there relationship.

Two minutes after getting off the phone. Superman received a text from Lexie.

"Your key and SIM card will be on your door tomorrow. When she gets a better job she will start making payments."

First of all why don't you put a sign on our door that say "HOUSE KEY TAPED TO DOOR. PLEASE ROB US!!" Superman text back asking it not be put on the door and if the money for the phone would be included. No response to money but he was told it would be dropped off at his work instead.

The next day came and went. The key and SIM card were returned. The bill was not paid.

I expected more from her. I want for at least one time for Lois to put someone else first and not take the easy way out. Superman deserves not to be used by his own daughter.

She returned to her mothers so she could avoid taking responsibility at our house. Karma is a bitch and one of these days she's going to meet her.

The last time I talked about the situation with my sister she told me something she had figured out. When Kent was born and was giving me fits she would tell me he was my karma for how I acted as a child. She realizes now Kent is not my Karma. Lois is. When I think back to the hell I put my mother thru I cringe. I turned out ok. Maybe Lois will too.

The Discussion

We sat down with Lois last night. My stomach was tied in knots and I was repeating in my head over and over again. Stay calm. Come from a place of love not accusations. This is not a battle. It seemed to work. I kept unneeded comments to myself and tried interject when I felt strongly.

Superman asked her what her plans were. She began by saying very general things without any thought to time frames. I'm gonna get a better job and try to work in a daycare. Superman then told her the original agreement with us still stood. She is still required to pay the expenses attributed to her. She then told us she was moving in with her mother.

I was kind of shocked. I thought she would down the line once she realized this wasn't going to be a free ride and she couldn't play the "I'm pregnant" card at our house. She had already made plans to move her stuff out. I was also kind of upset because she failed to at least mention the idea to us before making all these plans.

Most of our discussion with her was not even said. There was no need to lecture her about taking responsibility now. If her mother is willing to support her then Superman would just look like the bad guy. He did however tell her to think about her decision. She is always welcome in our home but it does not have a revolving door. She can't ask to come back in a couple months when she doesn't like the setup at the other house.

I hope everything works out. I really do for everyone sake. But I do think Superman will be able to recover from all this without her being in the house and being confronted by it everyday. I want him to be able to have the relationship with his daughter restored at least mended.

I am however feeling very very guilty. I felt a wave of relief when she said she was moving out. I know I shouldn't and I will never share this with Superman. I feel like I'm about to get my home back. I will no longer be on edge when she is home. I won't have to worry if she brought her boyfriend to the house while we are at work. I won't have to worry about what other decisions could do to us financially or emotionally.

I don't like feeling I have to protect myself and my family from her. I don't know if this tumultuous relationship between her and I will ever improve. I hold her responsible for what she has done to Superman the last few years. I can't let it go. How do you forgive someone who hurt someone you love more than anyone in the world when they show no remorse?

This quote has been going through my head.

Forgiveness is giving up on the hope that things could have been different.

Maybe with time.

On our path

We were sitting in the parking lot of Walmart, discussing if we were going to have more kids. It felt safer than discussing it at home. Most of our important conversations lately have been in the car. I think it takes the pressure off. He doesn't have to look at me and I have to remain controlled or he could swerve into a ditch.

We had decided before the bomb was dropped we were going to have one more. We were going to be done before he turned 41. He didn't want anymore after that. I was ok with that. But then the news of his oldest daughter having a child changed everything in our universe. Was second child even up for discussion anymore? Did he want his wife and daughter pregnant at the same time? All valid questions and concerns.

He told Lois in their discussion we were on path and we weren't going to deviate from it but that didn't reassure me until he said the words. So that is why we ultimately ended up in the parking lot of Walmart. I asked if I needed to buy the fertility monitor test sticks we had to use the last time to get pregnant.

We discussed it. Rationally. I didn't cry. He didn't try to postpone the discussion. We discussed it like two mature adults. He told me the thought crossed his mind about not having anymore but he didn't want his daughter's decision effecting his marriage or his plans with me. I told him if we didn't have anymore now I would forever hold her responsible. I didn't say it negatively (somehow) and he understood my point of view.

I think we decided to start trying after the new year. Even after all the talking he wouldn't say he wanted another child. I believe him when he says he doesn't want to stray from our path we planned but a part of me thinks he is not 100% behind the plan still.

Things between us are still up and down. We talked on Christmas eve after we played Santa for the kids. We laid on the floor in front of the lit Christmas tree and laid everything out. I tried to explain where I was coming from. I tried to explain the loss of control over my house and son's future. I tried to explain how little control I have and to lose what little control I have is going to drive me to the edge. I apologized for making him choose me over his daughter. I told him where I stood and my feelings for the last week.

He explained his anger over the situation. He explained his frustration with his daughter. He explained his fear for his daughter and for the other kids. He apologized for not understanding how this affects me. But mostly he told me our marriage was important and something he is willing to fight for. He told me he loved me and would do everything in his power to get thru this together.

We set rules of for discussing things so we don't fight unfairly. I feel better but I know there is still a lot of work ahead. But every morning I will get up and will try another day because that's what I promised I would do and I can't imagine getting up and not having that man beside me.

The Line

I left last night. Superman and I had been bickering most of the day on the phone and thru text. Lois went to the doctor today and Superman passed the information along to me. It didn't add up. The due date didn't match the number of weeks she was.

I wanted to know why and Superman was upset because I always think she's lying. That's mainly because I always think she's lying. Superman is willing to look over a lot. I'm not able to do that. So we fight. We each stand in our corners, waiting to see what the other person is going to do. Protecting ourselves but not willing to throw the first punch.

So in the middle of dinner, trying to feed Kent, and attempting to fix the computer/iPod issues he asks me a question and I simply tell him I can't do it all. He responds "You can't answer a question?" That was the proverbial straw.

I calmly got up, put Kent's bowl down and said I have to leave. I grabbed my purse and walked out. I drove and cried. I called my friend and cried to her. Not once did Superman attempt to call. While talking to my friend the realization of what I was asking of him hit me.

I am asking him to pick me over his daughter. I want to be the one he chooses. And I'm afraid of what his choice would be. I want this man so badly and can't imagine my life without him in it. The natural order of things would be the child always wins. And my heart is breaking.

I came to realize it is not about his choice. It's about mine. I need to know where my line is and what my terms are. If my needs are not being met and the situation violates the conditions I set then ultimately the decision is mine. I can not ask him to choose me over his daughter. He needs to find his own line. His own path. I can not sacrifice who I am to be with this man. No matter how much I would want to. I will not play the role as martyr because that will be just as destructive.

My decision made I went back home. We did not speak. We went to bed. I cried myself to sleep. I can not lose this man but what will this cost me?

Fraud

Superman had a short conversation with Lois. She approached him and he didn't want to cut her off. He was being very upfront with her and told her how he felt. He told her he wasn't happy about the situation. He asked her questions that she hadn't thought about yet.

Who is going to watch the baby while she works?
How much is Mr. Wonderful going to be involved?
How is she going to pay for it?

He told me when he was asking her questions she kept saying. "You sound like I ruined everyone's lives." He explained to her she didn't understand what an impact this decision will have on her life and everyone else's. He told her we (Superman and I) have path we have decided to go down and plans have been made. We are not going to alter our plans because of her decisions. She is an adult and it is her responsibility to deal with the consequences.

By the conversation I think she was expecting us to be happy about it just like her mom.

We also learned one more piece of interesting information. Lois was asking about how much the insurance would cover and how much she would have to pay when she told Superman Lexie had signed the kids up for the state medicaid program while she was still living there. Lexie gave her the card the last time she was over there.

Superman has provided insurance on the girls for the last 15 years. Not just insurance. Great insurance. This is the best policy I have ever seen. We even have dental rollover dollars! (That's at least amazing to me.) So why the fuck is Lexie signing the girls up? Not to mention she has been on it for over a year and never mentioned it to Superman. And here's the best part. She asked to be reimbursed for medical expenses that we now know that state has picked up. That conniving little bitch.

With my job I know how the program works. Lois is not able to use the medicaid ID number for her mother's case unless she is living there. Her mother had 5 days to report the change. Income and household size determine eligibility. If she failed to report it, anything filed after would be considered medicaid fraud.

We have to tell Lois she either uses the cards and moves back in with her mother or she opens her own case. Either way in 5 days if something is not done I am reporting the fraud. My job and my husband's job could be in jeopardy if it looks like we knew and did nothing.

PI Wanted

If I ever wanted to be a private investigator, the events of today should clearly show why I am never going to make millions spying on people.

I got on my facebook and notice Lois posted she had gone home early from work. I was upset. She was fine this morning. Not to mention I went to work everyday and was sick at work everyday for 6 months. I had bills to pay and so does she.

I went to the online phone account and check her texts for the past few hours. Currently she has 22000 for this month. That is not a typo. So you can definately tell when she is at work, in the shower or even sleeping.

What do you know? Not a single break. I am pissed.

Staring at me in the face is an ad for GPS locate. It advertises you can know where your kids are and have peace of mind. Track your kids with their cell phone. Well. I could use some of that.

I sign up. On the wrong telephone number.

Guess who gets a text about it? It gives her a password and the website to start tracking. Wait for it. Me.

Ok. It could be worse. It somewhat looks like a promotional text. Maybe she won't notice. I immediately cancel it on her phone, add it to mine and then go to the website and register. Now we are tracking. And low and behold she is not at our house. She's at her mother's.

But wait my utter failure as a PI is not yet complete.

Lois sends me a text. What is family tracking? Oh shit. She sends another. I just got another one that you are tracking me??? Oh fuck! The only thing that is working today is my quick thinking. I let her know I got a similar text and I am already online looking at the account. Which is entirely true. I go on for about the next hour back and forth with her. Asking all kinds of stupid but official sounding questions. Then I had to call Superman and tell him what I had done and ask him to help make this seem even more official. I explained what I had done and asked him to contact Lois and ask why she was tracking his phone. Which is entirely false. By this time I had cancelled the account on Lois and began one on myself so now I can have the text from the wireless company. Then I have to cancel that.

It wasn't worth all the hassle and drama just to find out where she was at one time. I was on pins and needles not knowing if she believed me. When I got home she kept going on about how she thinks Mr. Wonderful did something to the account so he would know where she was. Ok. I admit I was wrong for not correcting her but at least I gave her the impression to hack into someone's account is not something anyone can do.

I have learned my lesson.

But seriously what kind of genius sells a product to track your kids but then notifies your kids they are being tracked with their cell phone? Hello! Big red truck!!! (If you don't know what that means I be glad to fill you in on a little southern humor)

On Purpose

I think she planned this pregnancy. She is not reacting at all like I thought she would. She is not acting sad or depressed as a matter of fact she seems excited and happy.

And that is making this more difficult for me to deal with.

That and she asked to wear some of my maternity clothes. After her mother bought her some freaking maternity clothes and baby gifts.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I think she thought her boyfriend and her would live happily ever after.

Here is the background on Mr. Wonderful. He just had a baby with his last girlfriend. On Monday. He is a senior in high school. And he almost 20.

She can pick a winner.

I am trying to let go of my anger but I can't get over it right now. I have to admit this is bringing back painful memories from my own youth. Only a handful of people on the planet know about it but I too had to deal with an unplanned pregnancy at almost her age. I am still dealing with my decision.

I am angry she might have made this decision expecting our complete financial support.

We have decided to take most of her Christmas gifts back to help offsets some of the expenses she has caused us so the other kids don't suffer.

I still have yet to make eye contact with her.

A Strange Thing Happened

A major concern I had with news of the pregnancy was how it would effect my relationship with my husband. I know he has a deep love for his children and I'm sure after some time healing it would extend to any grandchildren. He is willing to do just about anything for them even at his own personal happiness.

I had my doubts if we were going to be able to agree on what we were willing to do and not able to. I fully expected this to pull us apart. I imagined that day as the specific day my marriage began to unravel. I was heartbroken.

We have been fighting more recently than ever before. Between lack of sleep taking care of Kent, Lois moving in, court, not to mention everyday life of a blended family, we had begun to take it out on each other. Not bad fights. Just little skirmishes. No one wins but both are hurt.

Amid all the turmoil, chaos and hurt feelings in the house we have found each other again. The last few days instead of driving us apart we have remembered the other is our rock during hard times.

We have talked and decided things about our future. I have no doubt disagreements are inevitable but I have a renewed since of confidence in my marriage. We are strong enough to endure whatever comes.

Too Much

I never thought I would be writing this. I am overwhelmed and so is Superman.

Lois told Superman she is pregnant. By text message. Her boyfriend has now left her and that's about all we know.

How do you come to terms with something like this. She has no idea what her choices have done to her life and our family.

Why can't I stop thinking about how this effects me? I didn't say anything to Superman because I know this is not the time.

This is the first time as a stepmother I have felt this way towards her. I don't want her actions to hurt me. I don't want to raise her child or my resources to go to the situation of her own making. And I feel so guilty about that.

Dear god. How are we going to get thru this?

But I can't be angry

Superman got a call from Lois tonight.

"hey dad, just wanted to let you know I hit a curb but no damage."

Now keep in mind this is our car that we have been letting her use. It is paid for and it only has liability insurance. Ironically just today we had a conversation about how she doesn't appreciate what we have be doing for her since she moved in. She asked to keep the car all night and was upset when she was told it had to be home by her curfew. She wanted to know why and she was immediately told because it wasn't hers.

Then Superman gets a second phone call.

"Hey dad. The car is leaking. I think it is oil and I'm going to stop and get some."
"You need to come home right now."
"But I have to take dirt bag boyfriend home first"
"I don't think you understand what is going on. He needs to find a ride. He can sit in the garage while he waits."

Third call.

"Dad. The car won't move at all"

Superman talks to her for a little while and goes to go pick her up and have the car towed. As of right now I'm not believing the story we are getting.

We don't have the money to replace the car not to
mention have it worked on. So now we are out of our second vehicle that my husband depends on to do everything outside of work. Thank god he has a vehicle to use on company time but he can't have passengers so of course. I'll be doing it all. By my self.

I am furious but I apparently don't get to be mad. I don't get to say how this effects me. I am mad at both of them. Her for being irresponsible with property that is not hers. And him for letting her have it when we depend on that car and knowing she couldn't afford to repair or replace it.

I want to return her presents to help pay for the damages. And make her walk to work bit I probably can't get both of those without really seeming like the bitch. I'm sure I'll calm down to only slightly angry within the next few days, ok maybe weeks ok maybe months. Ok definately in the next year.

Do stupid people know they are?

This is the email we got today. Word for word.

Superman,
Yesterday Tuesday Dec. 1st when I was at your house you made a comment that Clark's Dr. Appointment had been changed from Dec. X at 3:45pm to this Friday Dec. Xth at 4:00pm, I was just wondering when you were planning on informing me of this change in date and time...after it was over....due to the fact that this appointment is during my visitation and for all you know I could have gotten off of work early to pick him up right at 3:00...
I would appreciate it from now on that if you go and make an appointment or change an appointment then you notify me the same day it was made or changed..I have done this with you for every appointment I have made for Clark and the ones that I have had to change or the Dr. has changed. This is just common courtesy.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you know of any reason as to why this can not be done.

Crazy Krypto

Well let me see. I think he planned to mention it to you when you were at our house and he mentioned it to you. This appointment originally had to be rescheduled because she had the original appointment cancelled.

And yea she has told him about the appointments she makes. Of course the last three she has provided the wrong time and the one before that she scheduled to have a tooth capped on my birthday during our visitation week.

God must love stupid people because he made so many of them.

Surviving the holidays

This year the kids were with their mothers. It didn't feel like Thanksgiving. I feel bad that it was Kent's first and I didn't go all out. My sister-in-law and her son came over but it was missing a very important element to make it a true holiday...the rest of our family.

After everything was said and done we both decided we will be traveling in future years when we don't have all the kids. We can make our own traditions with Kent. Maybe see my sister or his brother who we never see because of the distance and the time contraints placed on us by visitation schedules.

This year we have all the kids for Christmas morning which I can't wait for. Hopefully the Christmas spirit will hit me soon.

Giving thanks

If you were to read this blog you would assume I was not happy with my situation and on the verge of running away to a desserted island. That is far from the truth.... 99% of the time.

I do have a lot to be thankful for

1. I have a roof over my head, and job to go to.
2. A husband who loves me not despite my flaws but because of them.
3. Three wonderful stepkids who have taught me restraint, compassion, and patience.
4. An amazing little boy I get to call my own. The wonders of motherhood cannot be matched.
5. Extended family who support us in our quest to strengthen our pieced together family.

Without the trials and tribulations of the last 4 years I don't think I would understand the true value of those things. And for that I am most thankful for.

Learning to trust

A couple of weeks ago we began to suspect Lois was having her boyfriend over while we weren't home. This was the only rule that I felt very strongly about. I want to have total control over who is in my house.

Superman told me he had found oil stains on our driveway. He said he's been watching and her boyfriend's car is leaking oil. The spots are in the middle of the driveway and Superman parks his car on the right side so for those marks to be there he couldn't have been home.

There is also the matter of the mysterious coke can. When she was home sick for a few days a can of coke appeared in the kitchen. We did not buy it and she didn't go anywhere. So how did it appear on the house?

I had been on Superman to sit her down and talk to her. It had been over a week and still nothing. Finally I had it. I told him very directly that I may not be able to control what happens to the kids, be able to control crazy exwives or even defend myself when I have been talked bad about but as god as my witness I will control what happens in my own fucking house.

Now maybe the language wasn't needed and I know my tone could have been better but it made my point. He called Lois and told her to make some time to talk.

She denied it all. I don't believe her. He does. He is trained to detect deception. I think he's blind with regards to his daughter.

Should I setup a camera or just let it be? She now knows we are looking so will she just improve her techniques or will she stop. I need to learn to trust but she has burned me too many times.

Recharge

Superman and I had a date on Wednesday night. It was the first time in four years we went and had the kids stay with someone. In the past we always would wait and go out on the weeks Clark was with Krypto. I arranged the whole thing and I think Superman was a little surprised We had a good time. There has been a lot going on with Lois and it has put me on edge.

Sometimes it's nice to have those quiet times to remind you why you put up with everything else.

On Friday Lane confirmed Lexie had lost the baby. This is the second one in 9 months. Having one miscarriage nearly killed me. I don't if they have plans to continue trying. I hope with the support of her family she is able to make it through this difficult time.

Would it be inappropriate to send an email to her expressing my condolences?

Two weeks ago I got my haircut. The hairdresser was new and I was pleasantly surprised that she also had curly hair. I assume if she can fix her own hair then I think she should be able to manage my own curly mop. It began like an other appointment. A few questions about what I wanted done, what my hair was like, etc. She began cutting and then apparently she felt we had some magical bond or she had verbal diarrhea not hampered by any professionalism standards.


She began to tell me about her ex and his new girlfriend. How much she hated him and how he did not support the kids. He refused to see the kids at her house and he insisted he be able to have them overnight. She went on to comment on the girlfriend. Explaining to me, her kids were not going to have a new mom. This went on and on. Forever.


If I closed my eyes I could have sworn my hair was being cut by Krypto.


My family shows up towards the end and she notices them in the background. She asks me how old all the kids are. I quickly give ages and wish I could sneak out of the chair. She asks if they are all mine. I respond, "Yes they are all mine but I do share them with their mother." She asks if I get along with their mother and I tell her it's a work in progress like everything else.


I was relieved to get out of the salon. Even my time to relax gets interrupted.

Back from the Brink

Once again sickness has kept me out. However this time it was not for me. Kent was diagnosed with H1N1. He is only 8 months old and I have never been so scared. On Tuesday, Lois called Superman after her doctor's appointment. She told him the doctor confirmed she had the flu and most likely H1N1. Superman then called me. Of course, my first reaction is fear. You can't turn on the news without hearing about another death and how horrible it is for young children to get. I ask a million questions and none of the answers made me feel better. When was she contagious? How long until someone else develops symptoms?


Lois was contagious and without symptoms during our family pictures on Sunday. Great, the one day we are all trapped in a vehicle going to the location to have family pictures made. The only thing that was better than that was she was sitting next to Kent the entire way. I immediately call his pediatrician and her nurse describes the symptoms we should be looking for. Kent has really bad allergies and has all the symptoms all the time. We decide to play it safe and make an appointment for the Wednesday.

On Tuesday Superman made sure Lexie was notified since she is pregnant and Lane could have carried it back to their house after the weekend with us. Superman then called Krypto. We were expecting a blowup. Clark had shown no signs up to this point and the doctor advised to keep him home if symptoms developed. At his age, she felt he would recover on his own. Krypto didn't even blink an eye. She did not express anything. It was like she was being told the weather report. No big deal.

Wednesday comes and Kent is running a fever and is fussy. The doctor confirms he does have the flu and since he has already received his seasonal flu shot more than likely it is H1N1. My heart drops. Worst case scenarios are running through my head. Oh my god, not my child. He was put on Tamiflu and we all hoped for the best.

When Krypto called on Thursday to check on Clark she was told Kent had contracted it. Apparently this caused her concern and it sounded like she didn't want to have Clark come to her house if he might have it. He told her of the symptoms he should be having and the symptoms should appear before Monday if he was going to get it.

By the weekend Kent was doing better and besides being cranky and unable to sleep it wasn't too bad. Saturday we were even able to attend Lane's choir concert. Crisis averted.