Into the unknown

We all made it through Thanksgiving. It was our year without all the kids so it was definately a smaller affair than last year. We had made plans to travel this year to my husband's niece's house but so close to delivering we decided it was better to stay close to home.

In a matter of weeks I will embark on a new chapter in my life. I will be a stay at home mom. I have never been so nervous and unsure of my ability. I never imagined myself here. I would never have dreamed 6 years ago that no only would I be giving up working but I would be staying home with my kids.

Growing up, I was not very domestic. I was very driven and worked hard to earn my degree. I have worked practically my entire life. I have always been very good at my job and always have held positions of authority. During a job interview 6 years ago, I was asked where I would be at ini 5 years. I told him, I would most likely have his job.

I am preparing myself for an adjustment and hope I can handle this new direction my life has taken me. I know we are in for a fight when we let Krypto know about the upcoming change. I think we have decided to let her in on it in about a week. Here's hoping she accepts it. (I know...I can dream).

For any SAHM....how did you handle the transition and any advice?

Off to the attorney we go

We had our appointment with our attorney. Based on Superman's divorce decree he is required to "provide childcare until it is no longer needed." We had some questions we needed answered before we could ultimately make the decision I could stay home with the boys.

I love our attorney. She comes highly recommended and will tell you point blank if going to court or filing anything is a waste of time and money. She reviewed everything and she told us according to the agreement, I will be able to provide any after school care and not be required to pay for someone else to do it. Yay! Even if Krypto doesn't agree...which of course she will.

She also believes his child support on Lane will end next year when she turns 18. Her mother is currently "homeschooling" her. Which in reality means, Lane is taking courses at the community college and her mother hasn't taught her anything but because her not being enrolled at a high school we didn't know for sure if it would stop. After 16 years Superman will have complete control of his financial contribution to the girls.

So all in all, time well spent. Now we just have to tell Krypto what is about to happen and then see the sparks fly. Our attorney said she can't even file contempt charges until we go to mediation first which is a bonus for us.

I am so excited about being able to stay home with the boys. I feel like I missed so much with Kent. I have spent my days at work and so much mental space on trying to get pregnant that I feel like he grew up before my eyes and I missed it. Hopefully I can make up for lost time.

Baby ? has arrived.

Well Lois's baby arrived at 4:30am on November 1. Superman was informed by text at 10:30am. Along with the fact, she was delivered at her mother's house and the adopted parents had already taken possession. Awesome. Way to respect your father's feelings.

I was floored. She delivered her at her mother's house not by accident. After being sent home yesterday from the hospital, a decision was made to call a midwife "her mother knew". Awesome. This coming from Lois who has had no less than nine ER visits for unexplained pain and problems during this pregnancy. Now she decides at the last minute to have a home birth. Who does this?

And she "thinks" the new parents will take the baby to the doctor. Apparently she really doesn't have any thought to this new child. She finally got rid the of the problem that has been plaguing her for nine months. Within minutes of delivery she was on Faceb**k talking with friends about unrelated nothingness.

I just can't imagine. I was summoned to my doctor's office yesterday after my strong pain meds would not relieve my headache. I was put through a battery of tests and as I sit here, I am on a new pain med in order to function. Apparently a headache is a red flag that causes mass hysteria among OBGYNs. I still don't know the verdict. I do know I left the doctor's office with a fear I thought I was past in this pregnancy: losing my child to yet another unforeseen medical condition. I cried. I cried out of fear, frustration and the unfairness. So as I sit here thinking and praying for the best outcome of whatever is wrong, I can't help but judge a mother with no thought to her child.

Unfortunately my husband can't stop thinking about that same child who will never call him grandpa. His heart is breaking and I don't know what to do.

Upcoming Arrival

Because of my long absence, there are some very large holes in my story. The largest and the most looming over me right now is the birth of Lois's second child. Yes. She got pregnant again in February which only added to my mental status. There is of course drama relating to this pregnancy.

Initially she told everyone she got pregnant with a new guy in the picture, Non...on their first date. But very quickly the numbers didn't add up. Someone dealing with fertility issues, is not the person you lie to about conception dates and things. She managed to know she was pregnant and inform Non before a test would even show positive. I knew something was just not right.

Well fast forward to June of 2011. Non and Lois have big fight, things get physical, and Kara is hurt. Non denies it all and gets arrested for abusing both girls. Protective order gets put in place, which they both violate. Kara gets taken away by the state for about 2 weeks. The police determine Lois's story doesn't make since and now don't know who to believe. They are not sure if it was Lois or Non who hit Kara prior to the fight. All charges are dropped against both except violation of the order of protection which has been extended for a year.

Well after all that mess had died down, Lois announces low and behold the child is not in fact Non's but Otis, Kara's dad. The same person who she swore was crazy and stalking her. Well apparently it's not that bad if she managed get pregnant.

Her due date is in question, because she won't tell anyone the truth. Lexie went to one of the ultrasound appointments and the doctor basically said the due date was incorrect due to the size of the baby. Oops.

Well now Lois has decided to give this child up for adoption. This is the second time she has done this during this pregnancy. The first time was when her and Non were off in May before the big blowup. This adoption has brought up a lot of hurt feelings in the family.

I feel she made the decision to not protect herself so she needs to take responsibility. She still is not working a job. She is living with her mother and "working" for her. Once again she runs from any responsibility in order to not have to take action herself. Superman is devastated and there is nothing he can do. I just can't imagine carrying a child for nine months and giving them away especially knowing a sibling remains behind. The couple adopting the child is the pastor of the "church" Lois and Luther go to. So of course they are supportive of it. They tend to move churches a lot and are somewhat fanatical in there beliefs. Once they created their own church. I am spiritual however I questions someone's motives when they are obviously getting something out of it.

So any day now, Lois will bring a new child into the world and I don't know what that means for my own family. I remember watching an episode of Teen Mom and hearing a statistic that a large portion of teen mothers will have another child within the next year. Damn statistics are right again.

Musical doctor and lesson learned

About two weeks ago, I decided I would take it upon myself to arrange the normal yearly appointments for Clark and Kent. In another stroke of scheduling genius I decided to schedule all the boys', including Superman's, eye doctor's appointments at the same time. Clark and Superman have always gone together so adding another child to the mix should not have been difficult. In my mind, Clark would go first with Superman and Krypto in the room, afterwards she would leave and I would step in with Kent and the process would continue with Kent seeing the doctor examine Superman first so he wouldn't be scared. This is not how it happened.

The front desk took FOREVER to complete the paperwork to insurance even with us arriving early. Instead of sending one completed file back at a time she decided to send all three. Well this made the start time past the appointment time so this in turn, pushed the staff into panic mode. The tech called Clark back and immediately called Kent. We tried to explain our family dynamics and various relationships without the aid of a flowchart but it was too much. Superman ended up running back and forth between rooms and the doctor. He had to kick Krypto out of his appointment twice because staff kept trying to push her in the room. It should not be this hard.

When everything was said and done with glasses ordered. I was informed Clark had left his backpack in our vehicle and since he was going home to Krypto's that night I needed to get it. Clark, Krypto, Kent and I walked to the vehicle. I opened it retrieved the backpack and let the boys say goodbye one more time. Clark runs off with his mother yelling back at me, "Bye, Mom.". I knew I was going to pay for that one later. I didn't see her face but I know it turned to ice.

I go back inside to tell him about the comment and he in turns tells me his funny story. Krytpo wanted to get Clark contacts. I was shocked. This is the child who still get skid marks in his underwear and she thinks he's responsible enough to put something in his eye. This coming from the woman who can't wear contacts for any length because of the problems she had because she didn't take care of her own contacts. This coming from the woman who decided to flush Clark's live fish because the fish bowl was too dirty to clean. Great idea. Superman decided to let her ask the doctor and then say his peace. Apparently the doctor felt he was too young also and the issue would be revisited in 2 years and when both parents agree. Krypto decided to throw Clark under the bus for wanting them against her better judgment. Superman said Krypto was trying her hardest to make sure the doctor understood she was just bringing it up like she promised Clark she would.

So much to lose myself in

It's been awhile since I posted last. I thought about it randomly from time to time. Most of the last year I have experienced my greatest highs and my ultimate lows. I have withdrawn from the step-parent world in order to find myself again and to focus on my own needs. I have stepped back not only from this blog but I also feel like a little from the kids.

I was unhappy and sometimes resentful. It was brought on by our repeated failed attempts to conceive. We have miscarried two times with the most recent time April of 2010. I was devastated and bitter. My world revolved around my cycle and every month more panicked it was never going to happen.

We began fertility testing in November 2010. I began tests of all different kinds. All saying the same thing: I should be pregnant. I wanted answers. I wanted another child. In February of 2011 a small glimpse of hope emerged. A possible cause of the miscarriages with a treatment plan in place but the problem still remained. I was not pregnant. I was using a fertility monitor and testing every morning to check for ovulation. The fertility specialist advised fertility meds and we began the long process of fertility treatments. Two more months passed, more testing, and appointments were being made for IVF. This was our only option. Nothing else worked. I didn't know if I could sacrifice all our savings for a procedure that may or may not work. We were one of the lucky few that insurance covered a portion of the first attempt but that was it. We would have one shot.

The final month before IVF was to start I was scheduled to ovulate while Superman was out of town for training. This was the first month in 16 months I gave up hope. I chalked the month up to a failure and started preparing myself for the upcoming appointments. But they never came.

Easter weekend I saw something I had been praying for years. A little plus sign.

I tell all this not for this to become a infertility blog but to explain my resenting the kids and even their mothers more. I was upset the kids didn't understand my world did not revolve around them all the time and sometimes I admit their prescence reminded me of what I was missing. I was upset their mothers would revel in my sorrow and waste such a precious gift of having their children. I was upset they had the opportunity to stay home when their children were young, however I had to go to work and drop my child off at daycare in order to support their children now. I get upset and frustrated and for the most part this part of my story they will never know. I know what sacrifices I have made for my children. I was willing to do whatever it took to have my family complete... all of it.

I do not ask for gratitude, or recognition. What I discovered along this process was a need for understanding. I am still struggling with the massive changes happening in our lives and with the kids. But I am starting to test the waters to see if I'm ready to jump back in to the mix.

I'm back blogging...I think

I have once again gone an eternity without blogging. I am trying to find the energy to do it. Things around my house have gone from hectic, to frantic and slowly transitioned to a relative calm all of course while day-to-day ex/step drama continues.

In October my husband was involved in a shooting. He is a police officer and he was forced to draw his weapon on a man who wanted to die and made statements he was not going to go alone. He was late getting off work but I had no idea what was going on. I had staying home with a sick Kent and convinced Superman not to take off early that I would stay home all day. I will regret that decision for a long time to come.

I received a text from Superman telling me he was involved in a shooting, he was fine, and he would be interviewed before he could be released. My heart stopped. So as the good officer’s wife, I prepared dinner, put the kids to bed, and sat by the phone and television waiting on news. I replayed the morning events over and over. I have always asked Superman to wake me up before he leaves for work, no matter the time. I know there is always a chance he may not make it home and the least I can do is kiss him, tell him I love him and be careful no matter what time he leaves. I don’t crawl into bed until he is safely home. I racked my brains and could not remember doing that this particular morning.

To make matters worse, dispatch called the house looking for my husband. I was initially panicked which soon turned to livid after the call was ended. The people who should know where he is at are now calling me. I immediately got off the phone with them and called him on his cell phone. He answered almost immediately and then I explained what happened. Dispatch hadn’t tried his personal cell phone or even paged him in the building. Awesome job people. My husband is held to a higher standard by the public because he carries a gun, I hold dispatch to a higher standard because I put his safety in their hands every day. I filed a formal complaint.

Shortly after that I started fertility treatments. The medication is making me crazy I think.

On the stepmother front, Lois is having problems with Krypto. I actually took her home one day, I thanked her because Krypto’s attention is on her and I actually said to her, “I told you so.” But she doesn’t have a whole lot of choices right now because she has burned everyone else in the family.

Thanksgiving went really well. My mother and sister came in along with Superman’s sister. I baked my first pumpkin pie and my first attempt at homemade stuffing went really well. Now I’m gearing up for Christmas where once again we will be playing host to everyone.

Our visitation schedules has Christmas split and every other year we get Christmas morning. This is the first year, Kent will really be able to enjoy it but the other kids won’t get there till 2pm. I’m trying to decide how to do it. Does he open all presents? Only for Santa? Do you spend more on the children who are in the house all the time since they don’t have another house to go to? Any suggestions on it would be great.

Weekend Getaway

As a reward program for Clark, he can earn certain things for behaving and doing his school work. Last year, he completed 15 days of "green days" (he didn't get in any trouble and completed all his work) in a row. He earned a trip to the zoo, which is about four hours away.

This past weekend we were finally able to schedule it and made plans to go. Everyone was excited. We had planned letting the kids stay the night with their cousin who lives in the same city. She was excited to have the kids. We were taking advantage of the time for a much needed break to relax.

Everything was great at the zoo. Hot but good. The kids were having a good time and Kent was enjoying being pushed around all day. We packed everything up and went to go check into the room before dropping the kids off.

Then the sky opened up.

It was raining, wind blowing and baseball size hail falling from the sky on our newly repaired Nissan. I believe I was having a panic attack in the passenger seat. I don't do well in heavy traffic and apparently, do even worse with hail denting the car. I was sure any minute the windshield was going to bust. We made it to the hotel and of course their was a shuttle parked under the awning. We ran for the door. After numerous trips back and forth and about 3 gallons of water in Superman's shoes, the needed luggage was brought to the room. The room we had reserved had one king side bed. Awesome.

After about 2 hours the storm let up so we packed the kids up and took them over to her house to continue with the original plans. Little did we know the storm had other plans. On the way back to the hotel, more rain, hail and wind came our way.

We made it back to the room only to have the awning full of motorcycles. I went to the room and promptly called the front desk. I asked if I could park my car under the awning since they could and prevent other people from using it to drop off. I was upset to say the least. The night didn't get any better. Our room was by a very popular exit which woke us up every time the door opened.

We got up on Sunday, exhausted. We packed, got the kids, and headed home. We pulled into the driveway and I was never so happy to see my house. Don't get me wrong the day with the kids was great but COME ON!!!

We have to go back in 3 weeks for a birthday party. I will making my reservations early and with directions on what room I want. Wish us luck.

As My World Turns.....

I am learning to navigate a previously unexplored territory for my family. Since Lois's baby, Kara, arrival I have been attempting to figure out how all this is supposed to work. This entire situation is only made worse by the fact, Lois continues to reside with Krypto.

I have made my plans known to Superman and he seems supportive, which I'm thankful for. I have decided I will not be watching Kara or picking her up. I will also not be providing any unsolicited information to Lois unless asked directly (more info on that later). No more will Superman be the messenger. I have not set any limits on when Lois and Kara can come over. I have requested Superman not watch Kara on every weekend. Lois having a child and needing a babysitter does not take priority over the children getting to participate in activities. So far it's working out but it is still very early and only to get more complicated.

Now, Kara's daddy, Otis, enlisted in the Marines and went to basic training in May of this year. He finished his 12 weeks and managed to get 30 day hardship pass to come home to see Kara. Superman and I were both were surprised he finished basic. We both knew this was a good thing for Lois and Kara since the military would force him to support his child.

While on the leave, he signed support papers for his first daughter. She is just 8 months older than Kara. I know, he's a winner. Now this support amount was based on what is making in the military so he's going to be paying about $425 monthly for his first child. He however did not sign any support paperwork for Lois.

Well a new development happened last week. Otis is getting Other Than Honorable discharged from the Marines. Awesome. Now Lois is trying to figure out what to do and how this will effect her support. (She doesn't know it yet, but based on his projected income she will be getting about $165 monthly which doesn't even cover child care) She has been trying to get information from me by way of Superman. I'm tired of playing this game of telephone. I told Superman she can now call me if she needs information. As I have mentioned I work at my state's child support enforcement unit. I could provide her with a great deal of useful information but it has been a week and still no call. Lots of "oh gosh. What am I going to do?" to Superman but not once has she taken the energy to pick up the phone.

This is a continuing problem with Lois. She wants everyone to do things for her. She failed to turn in her Medicaid paperwork when she was pregnant so as of today, she owes about $1300 for her pregnancy and about $6500 for Kara's birth. I still don't know if she has applied. If she doesn't do it in the next 30 days the state will not cover the Kara's bills for the birth. Lexie and Luther are planning on giving her a car once a suitable car can be found that fits into their budget. While at our house, Lois was complaining she hadn't gotten it yet. I bit my tongue. Nearly off. Thank god Superman spoke up about being grateful instead of so self-absorbed.

She wanted me to get the paperwork from work for her to fill out. After the fiasco with the Medicaid, when she basically ignored by advice, I decided I would no longer be offering any more help. I was done. It took her 6 weeks to call and get the application sent to her. And she still hasn't sent it back. And even Krypto has gotten into the mix. She text Superman last week "concerned" about Otis's child support.

Now how does my husband's ex wife's roommate's baby daddy's first baby's momma's child support matters any of her business? I know it's difficult to follow but welcome to my world. She assumes because she works in a payroll office she knows that child support goes back to birth (which it doesn't), and people get arrested after $5000 (which they don't). I honestly don't know if Krypto is so concerned because she might be losing the guaranteed money from Lois or if she is worried Otis will have to hide out at her house.

The relationship status between Lois and Otis changes daily if not hourly. She tells us they are not together but then she gets flowers at work from him. I give up. Otis sent Lois a letter during basic that was intended for another girl. Dumbass put it in the wrong envelope. If she's willing to keep him around after that anything that happens after that is her own fault. Unfortunatly Kara will have to suffer the consequences of this back and forth.

I am part of a complicated clusterf%#@!!! I need a vacation and a cocktail.

My 10s

I saw this on a friend's facebook and really got me thinking. I need to focus on more positive things and why I continue stay even with all the turmoil around me. So here is my first set of 10s.

10 things...

that make me smile.

1. When Superman sends me a text "I miss you" just because he does.
2. My beautiful, energetic and lovable 17 month old playing peek-a-boo in his crib at the video monitor when he is supposed to be sleeping. He can entertain himself for an hour with his hands, a blanket and his pillow.
3. My best friend in the entire world having a healthy baby boy after trying for 6 years to get pregnant.
4. Clark and Kent holding hands as they walk into school.
5. Superman's voice as he talks so softly to his granddaughter.
6. Lane listing me as her mother on Facebook and Lexie who is secure enough to know that doesn't take anything away from her relationship with her daughter.
7. My life. Five years ago I was working at a job I hated, living in a city away from all my family and friends, and just broke up with my boyfriend to taking a big leap of faith and changing jobs, moving to a new city and meeting the man who would become my husband on my third day of work.
8. My husband snuggled up next to me as I sleep.
9. Superman's giggle. When he gets really tickled by something he gets an out of character giggle. This in turn sets me off. I can not control my laughter. This creates a vicious cycle of one person regaining control only to lose it again when the other person giggles. The most memorable incident was during my birthing class's breathing exercises. I'm surprised we didn't get thrown out.
10. When ALL my children are together happily playing together. It doesn't happen very often but when it does, for that moment I know all the pain and heartache has been worth it.

D Day

I'm sitting in my office with the door closed. Today is the day. Superman just called to tell me they are inducing Lois. Today is delivery day.

And here I sit. In my office. Alone. Crying.

I am crying for the babies I have lost. I am crying for yet another family event I feel excluded from. I am crying for the impact this will certainly have on my marriage.

I have not wanted to imagine her giving birth. I knew it would eventually happen of course but I didn't want to even think about the consequences it would bring with it. We have survived the pregnancy it seems but will we all fair as well after the birth.

I feel so guilty about a lot of things the last few months. I have come to a realization that I don't like my oldest stepdaughter. There is said it. She has turned into someone I don't know anymore and if it wasn't for my husband, she would never step foot in my home. She has lied, stolen, and deceived every member of her family. I do not have the parental blindness that seems to effect her Lexie and Superman. They are all in agreement she is spiraling out of control. But I do not have the luxury or misfortune of having this blindness.

I know I do not have the right to put restrictions on my husband's relationship with Lois. I would never make him choose between us. He knows where my relationship stands with her. He has tried his best to ask if I can handle her coming over and working with me. He is also trying not to cater to her. But will all this change with a grandbaby? Will this new arrival erase the memory of everything she has done? Will she continue to take advantage of everyone and scheme and lie or will this force maturity on her?

So I will be home tonight with Kyle and Kent. Trying not to think about what is happening at the hospital.

I know my writing has been sporadic. But just to do a quick update. Lois left our house, moved in with her mother, left her house, and moved in with Krypto and Krypto's parents. Yes, you read that right. Well last month, Krypto and Lois moved into an apartment. FOUR blocks from our house. Fucking awesome.

Hiatus from the Blog

I have not posted in over two months. A lot has happened. Some good, some bad, mostly just complicated. I have not had the energy. I have felt defeated and detached from everyone lately. No ones fault really. Just taking a hard look at myself and the situation I find myself in. Summer visitation is done until next year and my house and schedule are once again my own.

I have been reading everyone's blogs and find myself wishing I could find the peace I have read about. Or at least the ability to handle the everyday drama and not let it effect me. I know I should not let it bother me but HOW do you actually learn to do that? In my mind I equate that with telling me to become Asian. That's not going to happen no matter how hard I try. And that's what I feel I am up against most days.

We are trying to get pregnant which brings up an entirely different set of emotions. Especially since I find myself completely surrounded by pregnant women.

Superman read an email last night I accidentally sent to the house about a blog I follow. He asked about it. Apparently I will never join the CIA or go deep undercover because I was about as graceful as an elephant on roller skates trying to explain it without revealing my own blog. I gave up. I didn't want to give the impression I was hiding something from him. So I explained to him what I had been doing for the last 18 months. He read my first entry, teared up, looked at me and said "I'm sorry". He read a couple more random posts and logged out.

He told me it could still be my secret if I wanted it to be. If I needed this then to continue doing it. He seemed to understand I needed confirmation outside of my own little world that I'm not crazy and get some understanding without judgement.

Week in Review

My life has carried on. Mother's Day has come and gone. My role as wife and mother was celebrated by my husband and Kent. The other kids were with their own mothers. I was pampered and got to take a day off from diaper duty.

I was fine until late that night when I cried. I cried for what should have been, for our loss and for possible future heartbreak. I was supposed to be entering my second trimester not coping with the loss of yet another child.

Trying to get pregnant is not fun. Worrying about cycles, timing, temperatures, injections, not to mention all the worries about what might happen. The more you learn about how to get pregnant the more you wonder how anyone every manages to do it by accident. I know Superman wanted to be done by his next birthday. His dad died when he was very young and he decided a long time ago he would not put his kids through that. He wants to be able to enjoy his kids while they are still young. I have always agreed with him. This time table has added to my stress level. I haven't had the courage to ask him how the recent events might effect that timeline. I'm not ready for an answer.

On a different note, Mr. Wonderful, Lois's boyfriend/baby daddy has officially left for Marine basic training. My prediction: he gets discharged for "medical reasons". She has been talking more to Superman. She says she misses Kent. She hasn't seen him in 2 months. He told her she could come by the house at anytime. She asked if I was still mad at her. She made it sound like I refused to let her come over. I am not the one who made the declaration about not coming over unless I wasn't home. She did that all on her own.

Her graduation is this Saturday. Superman has asked if I am coming. I told him I will not be attending unless I know she wants me there. He has asked if he can invite her over for dinner this week. I was on the fence. Then something happened. She sent me a text on Mother's Day. A simple Happy Mother's Day. I was shocked. So was Superman. I told him to invite her over. I guess we both can give a little.

Mother's Day

As a stepmother I have found I never get to make a decision based solely on what I want to do. I can't just answer a simple question. I find myself playing out scenarios in my head of the possible consequences of even a simple decision.

I was helping Clark with his homework on Wednesday. In the middle of reading his book he looks at me and begins to tell me about the Mother's Day tea at school. He asked me if I was going to it. He says, "It's for mothers, stepmom, and everything." I started to tear up. I couldn't help it. He was looking up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. The eyes of my husband and my own son. I knew I was walking in a minefield. How could I possibly go? This would be the first shot fired in World War III. I tried my best to explain to Clark that his mother was going to be going and she probably would want to spend some special time at school with him. I told him I would so happy he asked me.

He finished his work and went to his room. Superman tells me Clark talked to him on Monday about asking me to go. He also told Superman he had made me something special at school. During school the classes have been making something for the tea party. His teacher apparently asked Clark and another little boy if they wanted to make another one for their stepmothers. She explained to the class some people have more than one mom or dad. Clark was really excited he got to make another one for me. She also explained all different kinds of mothers could come to the tea. (I love this woman!!!)

I thought the subject was settled until this morning. As I was fixing to leave, Clark asked me if I was going to be able to make it to the tea. I told him I would love to go but I think his mom really wants to spend some time with him alone. He responds, "I spend time with my mom alone all the time." Ok. I have no response to that. So I try again. I say, "I don't want your mom to be..." I can't find the right words. I can't tell him his mother is a vengeful hateful bitch whose mere existence is meant to torment me and who will not rest until I have been eliminated from his life. As I pause to find the right word Clark simply says "Mad".

He knows. I know. She will be mad. I try to cover and say, "I don't want her feelings to be hurt or her to be uncomfortable." He then says, "But I'm going to sing two songs." Seriously. Is he trying to break my heart?? I tell him he can sing them for me on Tuesday. He seems disappointed and hurt. I tell him I would love to go. Over. And. Over. Superman steps in a attempts to help. Clark seems to understand.

Am I making the right decision? Should I just say screw the undeclared peace treaty and take a chance this won't be as bad as I imagine? Or am I stepping on "Real" Mommy toes here?

Talking About Loss

We told Clark on Sunday. After researching lots of different ways to explain what miscarriage is we decided to stick with a simple approach. We didn't really discuss the medical aspects or terminology. We explained sometimes when a woman gets pregnant God knows that something is wrong with the baby. He decides it would be best to take the baby back to heaven to fix them. When the time is right he would send us another baby to love just as much as him, Kent and the baby we lost.

We were trying to make sure he wasn't scared God was going around snatching babies or that something would happen to Lois's baby. He seemed to understand. He asked a few questions. I did start to cry which confused Clark. Superman tried to explain it was sad day for us. He then said, "It's a sad day for all of us." It broke my heart.

After going through this again I have realized that many women have miscarriages but no one discusses them. It's not a comfortable subject for the person who suffered the loss or anyone around them. It's hard to know what to say to someone. I know this is not my fault and I couldn't have done anything different but you can't help but feel somehow it is. Will people think I deserve this or somehow I caused this? So instead of taking the chance of being judge harshly or unfairly it is hidden.

Many women have discussed their own story with me after they realize I too have suffered the same agonizing loss. The code of silence is breached and a flood of information and emotion comes to the surface. A person has to be initiated before you can openly discuss it.

I am slowly getting back to enjoying life. I have my moments but I think I am doing better than the last time. The last time I was in bed for two weeks and couldn't function. I was devastated and broken. This time I refused to suffer the same agony again. Sheer will got me through the first few days. I will be forever grateful the kids were with their respective mothers during that week. It did make it easier to experience without watchful eyes.

Now if I could get the picture of the heartbeat out of my head I would be great....

My Loss

The news wasn't good on Monday but not totally unexpected. I had a miscarriage. The doctor thinks it was Friday morning from everything I have told him. I keep telling myself it wasn't meant to be but right now that is just not good enough. I go to the doctor in June to run further tests so we can see if there is a reason I continue to miscarriage. Getting pregnant is not the problem carrying to term seems to be where the problem lies.

My heart is broken and my spirit crushed. Once again life has proven to be unfair. And the quesiton of Why Me? still remains unanswered. I have been down this road before. When Superman and I were married we immediately starting trying to get pregnant. Just a few months of trying and we were pregnant. For a few weeks everything felt right in my world. Then it was shattered by the loss of the baby.

I am trying to stay positive and not let this drag me into a depression like the last time. Superman believes I had not truly recovered from it until Kent was born.

I am not looking forward to Krypto finding out about the miscarriage. Her being joyful in my sorrow will be too hard to take. We also have not told the kids yet. They are with their mothers and we wanted to tell them in person. Clark was never aware of the first miscarriage. I don't even know how to begin to tell a 7 year old about this...any ideas would be appreciated.

Prayers for my baby

We told the kids this weekend. They were excited. We then told the rest of the family. But the news may have been told too soon.

I started to bleed yesterday afternoon. The doctor was unwilling to commit to anything until after the blood work and ultrasound was completed.

I had a miscarriage before Kent was born. My heart is breaking and I fear the worst.

We had the ultrasound this morning. We saw a normal heartbeat. The doctor said this was best we could hope for. Now I'm waiting to hear from the doctor about the radiologist report and blood work.

My fingers are crossed but my heart is heavy.

It's a Secret

A lot has been happening in the last few days and I haven't been able to bring myself to blog about it. I find myself more negative than I would like to be in my posts. I have been so tired and trying to look for this silver lining I've heard so much about. No catastrophes have happened lately and for that I am thankful.

The meeting went well last Friday at Clark's school. No major drama. When the meeting was over the the principal asked everyone to sign a letter of agreement I politely passed the paper by so Superman could sign. I know when it comes to the school my signature means nothing and I'm okay with that. Not to mention I don't want to cause trouble just to cause trouble.

Apparently Luther has issued an ultimatum to Lois. She is either going to stop this yo-yo dating with Mr. Wonderful or she needs to live somewhere else. He is treating her badly and it has become an everyday drama. Off and then on again relationship drama. Luther told her she can give him information on the baby but the other stuff has got to stop. They are tired of dealing with the aftermath of every fight. If she can't have a stable relationship with him then she shouldn't have one. She has no options right now so I don't know what she will decide.

On a completely different note last night we found out some great news.

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

We were both shocked. Still are in fact. I have always in the past made Superman look at the test first because of all the disappointments in our history. Last night I took one just so I could stop thinking about it. I was floored when it was positive. So after telling Superman of course the first thing we did was go get another one to take. Silly girl.

Come December another member will be added to our little family. We are trying to decide when to tell the kids. They have always known another addition was possible so I don't know how they will react. We are thinking about telling them Easter weekend. That is the next time all the kids will be together for any length of time.

So in this moment of pure joy I have to consider how Krypto is going to take the news. Is hoping she will not react badly to much to ask for???

Karma

I honestly thought when karma reared its head on Lois I would feel happy or at least that all is right in the universe.

I was wrong.

Mr. Wonderful and Lois have broken up. He apparently was telling the first baby momma he still missed her among other things he was doing.

He then told Lois he was still going to need rides to school. HUGE BALLS.

No one deserves to be alone and pregnant. She is going to face so many struggles in the future. I wish they wouldn't have started so early.

No matter what she's done to me or our family she still deserves our support and good wishes. I'm sorry I didn't always show her that.

Week in Review

Lois has a new BFF...Krypto. They hang out and text all the time. I'm slowly learning not to let it bother me anymore. I know what is going to happen ultimately. One or the other will stab the other in the back when it suits their own needs. Some of the other family has expressed some concern with them hanging out. They don't understand it anymore than I do.

She texted Superman last week to let him know she was having a little girl. I'm glad she told him. At least the lines of communication are still open.

Kent is officially one years old. We had a party for him and all the family came, minus Lois. She decided to go to the movies with Krypto instead. Lane sent a text to Lois with a picture of Kent in his birthday. Superman asked her not to send anymore. If she wants to see him she can stop by at anytime but otherwise she is not allowed to get electronic copies of any pictures. She was upset and doesn't think we should be doing that. We tried to explain that Lois is an adult and gets to make her own decisions however those decision do not include Kent.

Our parent teacher conference is causing issues on both sides. The school requested we have combined conferences so we can discuss Clark's physical therapy and school info in one meeting instead of two. We have had separate conference since he was in preschool. Krypto was all excited. She has been trying to get combined conference since he was in preschool. She thinks I don't have a right to be there. We discussed it and since the school is mandating combined conferences we decided I would still attend. Krypto apparently figured I would and attempted to contact the principal. She told him that I was not allowed to go per the court order and she just now found out I had been going (OK can anyone say LIAR.)

I was very surprised the school told her that I would be allowed to attend because the court order did not include any of the language she referred to. When that failed she sent a text to Superman telling him the conference will only include her and him. That she is tired of me and I should mind my own business.

The order states the communication is to take place between mom and dad and not third parties. All communication is to be carried out by phone or email. Basically I am not the messenger or is Clark. That doesn't me I can't be involved at all. As usual she is trying to read more into the order than is there.

On a positive note for me, Clark brought home some fundraising items from school. It is his artwork turned into a magnet. He drew our family. It was soooo sweet. At first we didn't ask him about it because I was afraid it was going to be Krypto in the picture with Superman, Clark, and Kent. Clark eventually saw the magnet on the table and started telling Superman about it. It's ME!! I guess the little things can make my day.