D Day

I'm sitting in my office with the door closed. Today is the day. Superman just called to tell me they are inducing Lois. Today is delivery day.

And here I sit. In my office. Alone. Crying.

I am crying for the babies I have lost. I am crying for yet another family event I feel excluded from. I am crying for the impact this will certainly have on my marriage.

I have not wanted to imagine her giving birth. I knew it would eventually happen of course but I didn't want to even think about the consequences it would bring with it. We have survived the pregnancy it seems but will we all fair as well after the birth.

I feel so guilty about a lot of things the last few months. I have come to a realization that I don't like my oldest stepdaughter. There is said it. She has turned into someone I don't know anymore and if it wasn't for my husband, she would never step foot in my home. She has lied, stolen, and deceived every member of her family. I do not have the parental blindness that seems to effect her Lexie and Superman. They are all in agreement she is spiraling out of control. But I do not have the luxury or misfortune of having this blindness.

I know I do not have the right to put restrictions on my husband's relationship with Lois. I would never make him choose between us. He knows where my relationship stands with her. He has tried his best to ask if I can handle her coming over and working with me. He is also trying not to cater to her. But will all this change with a grandbaby? Will this new arrival erase the memory of everything she has done? Will she continue to take advantage of everyone and scheme and lie or will this force maturity on her?

So I will be home tonight with Kyle and Kent. Trying not to think about what is happening at the hospital.

I know my writing has been sporadic. But just to do a quick update. Lois left our house, moved in with her mother, left her house, and moved in with Krypto and Krypto's parents. Yes, you read that right. Well last month, Krypto and Lois moved into an apartment. FOUR blocks from our house. Fucking awesome.

Hiatus from the Blog

I have not posted in over two months. A lot has happened. Some good, some bad, mostly just complicated. I have not had the energy. I have felt defeated and detached from everyone lately. No ones fault really. Just taking a hard look at myself and the situation I find myself in. Summer visitation is done until next year and my house and schedule are once again my own.

I have been reading everyone's blogs and find myself wishing I could find the peace I have read about. Or at least the ability to handle the everyday drama and not let it effect me. I know I should not let it bother me but HOW do you actually learn to do that? In my mind I equate that with telling me to become Asian. That's not going to happen no matter how hard I try. And that's what I feel I am up against most days.

We are trying to get pregnant which brings up an entirely different set of emotions. Especially since I find myself completely surrounded by pregnant women.

Superman read an email last night I accidentally sent to the house about a blog I follow. He asked about it. Apparently I will never join the CIA or go deep undercover because I was about as graceful as an elephant on roller skates trying to explain it without revealing my own blog. I gave up. I didn't want to give the impression I was hiding something from him. So I explained to him what I had been doing for the last 18 months. He read my first entry, teared up, looked at me and said "I'm sorry". He read a couple more random posts and logged out.

He told me it could still be my secret if I wanted it to be. If I needed this then to continue doing it. He seemed to understand I needed confirmation outside of my own little world that I'm not crazy and get some understanding without judgement.