Thursday, July 29, 2010

D Day

I'm sitting in my office with the door closed. Today is the day. Superman just called to tell me they are inducing Lois. Today is delivery day.

And here I sit. In my office. Alone. Crying.

I am crying for the babies I have lost. I am crying for yet another family event I feel excluded from. I am crying for the impact this will certainly have on my marriage.

I have not wanted to imagine her giving birth. I knew it would eventually happen of course but I didn't want to even think about the consequences it would bring with it. We have survived the pregnancy it seems but will we all fair as well after the birth.

I feel so guilty about a lot of things the last few months. I have come to a realization that I don't like my oldest stepdaughter. There is said it. She has turned into someone I don't know anymore and if it wasn't for my husband, she would never step foot in my home. She has lied, stolen, and deceived every member of her family. I do not have the parental blindness that seems to effect her Lexie and Superman. They are all in agreement she is spiraling out of control. But I do not have the luxury or misfortune of having this blindness.

I know I do not have the right to put restrictions on my husband's relationship with Lois. I would never make him choose between us. He knows where my relationship stands with her. He has tried his best to ask if I can handle her coming over and working with me. He is also trying not to cater to her. But will all this change with a grandbaby? Will this new arrival erase the memory of everything she has done? Will she continue to take advantage of everyone and scheme and lie or will this force maturity on her?

So I will be home tonight with Kyle and Kent. Trying not to think about what is happening at the hospital.

I know my writing has been sporadic. But just to do a quick update. Lois left our house, moved in with her mother, left her house, and moved in with Krypto and Krypto's parents. Yes, you read that right. Well last month, Krypto and Lois moved into an apartment. FOUR blocks from our house. Fucking awesome.

2 comments:

Life of a Stepmama said...

Only time will tell what ends up happening with Lois. I CANNOT believe she moved in with Krypto????? WHAT? I feel for you I really do, there is nothing that could make you feel better right now. Just focus on you and your family and hope for the best.

Lori G. said...

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how sad you are with this new baby and all of your losses and the feeling of being excluded.

Who knows how being a "mom" will change Lois. Certainly a baby is more responsibility for her and Krypto and a lot of stress. Just keep setting limits on the things that you can control -- like the house you SHARE with your husband (I hope he would not make unilateral decisions without your consent).

You do not have to like your SD. That's okay too.