Perspective

I don't like what I have become. I don't like what I have let myself be turned into. So I am trying to change. To get back to the person I used to be before I allowed my current situation get the best of me.

I believe my husband fell in love with a strong, happy, fun-loving woman who was able to show compassion. I no longer am that person on a daily basis. I am too focused on the scorecards. I feel like my life consists of keeping track of the wrongs that have been done to me, Superman, and the kids. I focus on the details, squabbles, and how unfair the situation is to me instead of the children that are right in front of me.

I am in a rut and my pity party is coming to an end.

I was reading Amour Fati Love Your Fate when I realized how selfish I was being and how I had to change my perspective. She reminded me of something very important in her post.

Really, so much of making a stepfamily work is all about the marriage. The further my husband and I journey together on this path, the more and more I believe this. And furthermore, its about finding ways to make it easier for both of us. It has it's challenges both ways.

As much as I have days when I feel that its an impossible journey, I look at my son, and I know that every night, I get to tuck him in and he goes to sleep in our house. My husband doesn't have that peace with his 2 older sons. Half the time, his boys are sleeping somewhere else. Experiencing another part of their life somewhere else. And when I imagine for one split second what that must feel like, I become convinced that stepmothering is a breeze compared to what it must feel like for him.

In many ways Superman will never understand where I come from and I hopefully will never understand the difficulties of having your child away from you. It is also difficult for Lexie and Krypto. I need to remember that when they react out of anger. To hand over your child to someone you did not choose must be difficult. I cannot expect compassion or understanding if I am unwilling to show it.

Tonight when I kiss my son goodnight I will not take it for granted.

He Called Me Mom

We have always let Clark decide what to call me. He calls me by my first name. No big deal. It's his decision.

Now that I've said that I can tell you deep down inside, where there are things I don't share with Superman or anyone else, it does matter to me. I would love for him to call me mom. I need validation from a 6 year old that I matter. I don't like the looks from strangers in public who realize I'm the stepmother and I instantly feel judged. I doubt the clerk at Walmart is going to start yelling at me that I'm a home wrecker but still the fact remains. I would love for people to see my family and not think a second thought. Mom, dad, kids. No big deal. Yes, a part of me wants to prove a point to Krypto. I would love for her to know in Clark's eyes I am a mother at his dad's house. I know it's petty.

My 3rd anniversary of my 28th birthday was last week. (I've decided to not celebrate birthdays but rather anniversaries. I always did like being 28.) My husband and the kids got me flowers and a card. Clark and Kent picked one out and he gave it to me. It said world's greatest mom. No big deal. Clark always calls me mom when he is talking to Kent. He knows Kent will call me mom.

However, during the middle of dinner we all were discussing the upcoming birthday party for Clark. We were trying to decide what kind of games would be fun and somehow we kept trying to top each others' ideas with more outrageous ones. Then Clark says, "My friends would be like, your mom is funny." He took a minute and then said "I mean stepmom." He looked at me and looked at Superman, trying to gage our reaction. I tried not to react. I did. Really. But I couldn't stop. I started to cry. Not the big ugly cry just the I've got something in my eye. I recovered quickly and nothing more was said.

I know it's small. It may not have meant anything to anyone else but to me it means the world. Maybe, just maybe, I am slowly making progress.

A Real Mommy?

Kent is turning 6 months old tomorrow. Superman has asked me several times since he was born if I felt like a "real" mommy now. I don't know if Kent being born was supposed to somehow bestow upon me an overwhelming sense of motherhood that was lacking prior to his birth or a profound knowledge that come only with giving birth to a child. To be honest, I don't' feel like a "real" mommy. I don't feel different at all.

I admit I do have different feelings for Kent. But I have different feelings about all the kids. I don't think admitting that makes me a bad pretend mommy or a better real mommy. I think I can admit I have a connection with Kent that I will never be able to have with Lois, Lane, or Clark. But we also share something Kent will never experience. My relationship is different with everyone. Not better. Not worse. Just different and that's ok.

My perception of my standing in the family and with Lexie and Krypto has changed. I always felt somewhat on the outside. My only real connection to the family was Superman. I had a relationship with all the kids but somehow always felt I could easily be taken out of the equation. I was tied to this family but not bound.
With Kent's birth I now feel that my connection is stronger. A bond has been found that can not be broken and is tangible. I am somebody's mother and my opinion does matter. My opinion matters because my child is a part of this household and I do have a right to changes things that effect him.

The hurtful phrases no longer can be used to make me feel like I am somehow lacking.

If you were a mother you would understand.

You don't know what you are talking about because you don't have kids.

I am a real mommy and yes, a pretend mommy. Maybe one day I will be just mommy.

Not the Mommy

I am a pretend mother. I am not the real mommy. I know this because I have been told countless times. I am responsible for getting the kids dressed, to school on time, help with homework, and fix life's bumps and bruises whether real or imaginary.

But, I can not stress this point enough. I am the pretend mommy.

I did not give birth to these children. I was not there in the beginning. I do not remember the first steps or the look on my husband's face when they were born. I came into the picture later. Apparently too late to be anything but the pretend mommy.

I begin this with a hope I can come to terms with being a pretend mommy. I want to be able to rise above the disagreements, hurt feelings, and selfishness that comes so often with the blending of families. I want to be a better pretend mommy. I want to count, to have my opinion mean something.