So much to lose myself in

It's been awhile since I posted last. I thought about it randomly from time to time. Most of the last year I have experienced my greatest highs and my ultimate lows. I have withdrawn from the step-parent world in order to find myself again and to focus on my own needs. I have stepped back not only from this blog but I also feel like a little from the kids.

I was unhappy and sometimes resentful. It was brought on by our repeated failed attempts to conceive. We have miscarried two times with the most recent time April of 2010. I was devastated and bitter. My world revolved around my cycle and every month more panicked it was never going to happen.

We began fertility testing in November 2010. I began tests of all different kinds. All saying the same thing: I should be pregnant. I wanted answers. I wanted another child. In February of 2011 a small glimpse of hope emerged. A possible cause of the miscarriages with a treatment plan in place but the problem still remained. I was not pregnant. I was using a fertility monitor and testing every morning to check for ovulation. The fertility specialist advised fertility meds and we began the long process of fertility treatments. Two more months passed, more testing, and appointments were being made for IVF. This was our only option. Nothing else worked. I didn't know if I could sacrifice all our savings for a procedure that may or may not work. We were one of the lucky few that insurance covered a portion of the first attempt but that was it. We would have one shot.

The final month before IVF was to start I was scheduled to ovulate while Superman was out of town for training. This was the first month in 16 months I gave up hope. I chalked the month up to a failure and started preparing myself for the upcoming appointments. But they never came.

Easter weekend I saw something I had been praying for years. A little plus sign.

I tell all this not for this to become a infertility blog but to explain my resenting the kids and even their mothers more. I was upset the kids didn't understand my world did not revolve around them all the time and sometimes I admit their prescence reminded me of what I was missing. I was upset their mothers would revel in my sorrow and waste such a precious gift of having their children. I was upset they had the opportunity to stay home when their children were young, however I had to go to work and drop my child off at daycare in order to support their children now. I get upset and frustrated and for the most part this part of my story they will never know. I know what sacrifices I have made for my children. I was willing to do whatever it took to have my family complete... all of it.

I do not ask for gratitude, or recognition. What I discovered along this process was a need for understanding. I am still struggling with the massive changes happening in our lives and with the kids. But I am starting to test the waters to see if I'm ready to jump back in to the mix.