As a stepmother I have found I never get to make a decision based solely on what I want to do. I can't just answer a simple question. I find myself playing out scenarios in my head of the possible consequences of even a simple decision.
I was helping Clark with his homework on Wednesday. In the middle of reading his book he looks at me and begins to tell me about the Mother's Day tea at school. He asked me if I was going to it. He says, "It's for mothers, stepmom, and everything." I started to tear up. I couldn't help it. He was looking up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. The eyes of my husband and my own son. I knew I was walking in a minefield. How could I possibly go? This would be the first shot fired in World War III. I tried my best to explain to Clark that his mother was going to be going and she probably would want to spend some special time at school with him. I told him I would so happy he asked me.
He finished his work and went to his room. Superman tells me Clark talked to him on Monday about asking me to go. He also told Superman he had made me something special at school. During school the classes have been making something for the tea party. His teacher apparently asked Clark and another little boy if they wanted to make another one for their stepmothers. She explained to the class some people have more than one mom or dad. Clark was really excited he got to make another one for me. She also explained all different kinds of mothers could come to the tea. (I love this woman!!!)
I thought the subject was settled until this morning. As I was fixing to leave, Clark asked me if I was going to be able to make it to the tea. I told him I would love to go but I think his mom really wants to spend some time with him alone. He responds, "I spend time with my mom alone all the time." Ok. I have no response to that. So I try again. I say, "I don't want your mom to be..." I can't find the right words. I can't tell him his mother is a vengeful hateful bitch whose mere existence is meant to torment me and who will not rest until I have been eliminated from his life. As I pause to find the right word Clark simply says "Mad".
He knows. I know. She will be mad. I try to cover and say, "I don't want her feelings to be hurt or her to be uncomfortable." He then says, "But I'm going to sing two songs." Seriously. Is he trying to break my heart?? I tell him he can sing them for me on Tuesday. He seems disappointed and hurt. I tell him I would love to go. Over. And. Over. Superman steps in a attempts to help. Clark seems to understand.
Am I making the right decision? Should I just say screw the undeclared peace treaty and take a chance this won't be as bad as I imagine? Or am I stepping on "Real" Mommy toes here?
7 comments:
Wow, tough situation. At lest he is sensitive enough to semi-understand the situation... that his Mom might be mad, on the other hand, he obviously cares for you a lot.
I don't know your BM, but I probably would have gone. I would have mentioned it to BM first though. You two are going to need to be able to go out in public together a lot for functions, so it would be better for everyone if you/her got use to it now. You don't have to be best friends, but being civil is a good thing.
Since you didn't go, maybe you could go to something else. My SS has honor roll breakfast every quarter before school, so if we have him, he asks me to go. I also took him the art/talent show after school one day.
I would be just as hesitant as you...I always think how I would feel if my children had a step-mother and how a day like mother's day and spending it with her, would just kill me...but there comes a time when you look in your step-childs face and see that they want to include you in something special like that, and I would have all I could do to NOT go. I think with all the times that he mentioned it to you, and wanted you to go, you should have went...but you're the one that has to deal with it all. Good to hear that he understands it (somewhat) though!
I understand the feeling of not being able to make any decisions without running through all of the implications! I can’t just do something. I have to consider DH. Then I have to consider SS and what if his mom finds out…you see where I’m going with this. The bottom line is that it’s your life. Whether Kryptonite likes it or not, you are his stepmom and he wants you there. Don’t let other people hold you prisoner. (This pep talk is starting to sound like I’m talking to myself haha!)
Maybe I'm feeling feisty because it's Friday, but I say go for it. It sounds like it’s what both you and Clark really want. I know you don't want to rock the boat, but you were specifically invited to something that was meant to include “all different kinds of mothers.” You could contact the teacher to make sure this is true and then contact Kryptonite to let her know you’ll be there so she won’t be shocked.
In the end, it’s a simple matter of cost/benefit analysis. Is the (possible) cost of you attending going to outweigh the benefit to you and Clark? Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. Either way, he loves you and knows that you love him and that’s what matter more than anything else.
Perhaps have DH come if possible for running interference. Good luck!
This is an event at the school so chances are she isn't going to make a scene while there - it would blow the 'good mommy' cover. Go - would be my suggestion. I don't say that lightly - I understand the implications. But - the longer that you are her emotional caretaker, the longer you will have to be.
If your little one wants you to go, then go. If they see their 'mother' flip out for no reason because they invited you, then they will understand more fully what is going on. I have been in this situation many times of whether to not to go to parent teacher conferences, concerts, etc. The more she sees you, the more she will realize that you are there for good. Don't let her rile you while you are there and maybe, just maybe things will ease up over time.
Bottom line - the little one wants you to go, planned for you to be there (including preparing a song for you, IN FRONT OF OTHER PARENTS!, etc) it would be a sad thing for that effort to go to waste. And then, she wins again because now she can make it seem like you don't care enough to go - and act as if she wouldn't have dreamed of being upset you would have been there. We all know the game they play. YOu are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Whatever you decide, fawn over the kid for wanting to include you and let them know how much you appreciate him and wished you could have gone. But if you made the decision because of the mother - be straight forward. Tell them that this was a big day for him and you didn't want that to be ruined if she got upset or whatever. I wouldn't say you didn't want to hurt her feelings... this really doesn't have anything to do with her. At least, the little one doesn't think so. They just wanted to honor your place in their life. Her feelings shouldn't have ANYTHING to do with it, his should. So be honest that you are making the call for them. Then tell them that the next time that this comes up you'll discuss it with them first and together you can make a decision.
Wow what a sweetheart! I love his teacher too by the way, what a wonderful woman to have such an open mind..makes me wonder if she is a stepmom, or had a stepmom. How lovely of him to ask you.
I assume you didn't go but I think maybe you should have. Sure BM might have gotten upset but its not like you invited yourself. Maybe you could have even given her the heads up, Clark has asked me to attend and I would love to join, I am there for him, blah blah blah. Its a very tough situation and I appauld you for trying to keep the peace and not making it about you.
I am sure he understands but it sounds like he went to a lot of trouble and hopefully next year you can go!
Honestly, I say, go. He wants you to be there. Not going to appease the BM's ego is rewarding her for acting like that. You are a part of his life, and you are willing to be respectful of her role in his life; she needs to extend the same. If she can't, then let her wallow in her own nastiness. He recognizes her silliness by noting that she would be "mad"...but he still wants you there.
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