Perspective

I don't like what I have become. I don't like what I have let myself be turned into. So I am trying to change. To get back to the person I used to be before I allowed my current situation get the best of me.

I believe my husband fell in love with a strong, happy, fun-loving woman who was able to show compassion. I no longer am that person on a daily basis. I am too focused on the scorecards. I feel like my life consists of keeping track of the wrongs that have been done to me, Superman, and the kids. I focus on the details, squabbles, and how unfair the situation is to me instead of the children that are right in front of me.

I am in a rut and my pity party is coming to an end.

I was reading Amour Fati Love Your Fate when I realized how selfish I was being and how I had to change my perspective. She reminded me of something very important in her post.

Really, so much of making a stepfamily work is all about the marriage. The further my husband and I journey together on this path, the more and more I believe this. And furthermore, its about finding ways to make it easier for both of us. It has it's challenges both ways.

As much as I have days when I feel that its an impossible journey, I look at my son, and I know that every night, I get to tuck him in and he goes to sleep in our house. My husband doesn't have that peace with his 2 older sons. Half the time, his boys are sleeping somewhere else. Experiencing another part of their life somewhere else. And when I imagine for one split second what that must feel like, I become convinced that stepmothering is a breeze compared to what it must feel like for him.

In many ways Superman will never understand where I come from and I hopefully will never understand the difficulties of having your child away from you. It is also difficult for Lexie and Krypto. I need to remember that when they react out of anger. To hand over your child to someone you did not choose must be difficult. I cannot expect compassion or understanding if I am unwilling to show it.

Tonight when I kiss my son goodnight I will not take it for granted.

It's Over

Finally. After 6 months of anxiety and not knowing what was going to happen. The cloud hanging over us is finally gone. The mediation came and now it is complete. Everyone signed on the dotted line.

And what did she accomplish? She managed to get less than $600 more a year and Superman now gets to see his daughter an additional night a week plus an additional week in the summer.

At least it worked out for us.

• Superman was able to call me on breaks. Apparently Luther showed up thinking he would be allowed in. Superman advised him he was not a party to the mediation and he was not going to be included. Lexie was not happy.
• Lexie then told Superman she was on the verge of firing her attorney because she refused to return her calls and agreed to mediation without consulting her. Lexie was not happy.
• Superman allowed the mediator to see his financials but refused to let Lexie since she did not file hers with the court as required. Lexie was not happy.
• Superman's overtime from last year would not be considered since he is not currently receiving any. Lexie was not happy.
• The child support increase would take into effect from May 2009. The arrears barely cover what she paid the attorney to start the case. Lexie was not happy.
• Lexie wanted to back support to be paid in 3 months. Superman has 43 months to pay it off according to the law. Lexie is not happy.

There is an increase in child support and yes, we will have to make extra payments to pay off the back support but at least it's fair. He is paying what he is supposed to be and we no longer have to live in fear of when she might request an increase. We can enforce the visitation order and not have in the back of our minds if she will ask for an increase out of retaliation.

It's over.

Deep breathe. Exhale. So why do I feel like crying?

Waiting

Superman is at mediation this morning with Lexie. The court date is postponed until the results of this meeting is over. So now I am reduced to waiting and watching my phone for the slightest movement that could be mistaken for a vibration. Last night we spent several hours going over everything we felt he should cover. We decided on what he could compromise on and what was not negotiable. I know he will do fine and what he feels is best.

I'm not good at waiting. Patience may be a virtue but why can't obsessive anxiety be one too?

Change of Plans

Apparently the plans for Superman and Lexie to meet with their attorneys is not an option anymore. Her attorney couldn't find the time. So our attorney called the judge and got an order for mediation. This is what we were going for anyways. We still don't know if Lexie agreed to it or if she is being forced to go.

Hopefully come Monday this little drama will be behind us.

On a different note, we went to parent teacher conferences last night. Krypto has a different time scheduled. Every year we ask the teacher if she is willing to meet with us separately because Krypto doesn't want me going. The teacher has no problem accommodating us. During kindergarten Krypto tried to convince Superman the school wouldn't allow separate conferences. Of course, we saw through that one.

I am always nervous before going to these kinds of events for Clark. I always feel like the teacher is somehow judging me. I just want to blurt out, "I'm not the bad guy here. I didn't steal him from her. I didn't break up their family. She did that all on her own." I feel like I overcompensate because of it. We make a point not to mention Krypto in our conference. This is not the place to air grievances between everyone.

In order to prevent Krypto from painting us in a bad light we have started something new this year and I think it worked. We had Clark when the sign up sheet went out. We provided a copy to Krypto as required by the date required. We then sent an email to his teacher asking for separate conferences and advising her Krypto would be turning her form in later. His teacher responded the next week with a time and stated Krypto had not turned in another sheet.

This is the sneaky part. We sent an email to Krypto reminding her she needed to send her sheet in if she wanted a conference and referenced the previous email we sent her 5 days earlier. We blind carbon copied the teacher so Krypto had no idea the teacher received a copy of the email. The next day Krypto contacted the teacher to schedule the appointment and claimed she just found out about it because Superman doesn't communicate with her. Now she looks like a liar.

The teacher told us Clark is doing very well and continues to improve in his reading. We have been struggling with him on his reading and writing. She showed us some of his work to compare and there was a significant difference in his writing. He has been working really hard and we are very proud of him.

His teacher is very strict and I think that has helped Clark stay in line. Clark tends to try to push his boundaries with women. I think it's because his mother doesn't seem to follow through with the punishments or limits she sets. His teacher pushes him just enough without being harsh or mean. She knows when he can't and when he doesn't want to.

Back from the Dead

Well I made it. It didn't kill me. It tried and failed. I have been sick and trying to figure out how it is possible to be stuffed up and have runny nose at the same time. But I am finally recovered. I call it a sickness because the plague is too harsh. But only slightly. At the beginning of the week Superman was sick and I spent most of the week trying to keep the kids quarantined and away so they didn't get sick. It worked. For them.

So I got to the spend the rest of the week in bed trying to recover myself. I'm almost 100 percent. Some new developments have happened in my absence from the blogosphere. We decided to get an attorney instead of pushing for mediation with Lexie. The attorney seemed pretty certain we would get the increase in visitation and the child support wouldn't go up any significant amount since Lois is no longer included. Superman and the attorney are supposed to sit down with the other side sometime this week.

Lexie is not going to be happy when she realizes increase will not even pay for her attorney fees.

On the other end, Krypto has yet to respond to the mediation request. We've heard she is attempting to file contempt charges. For what I don't know. Her definition of contempt is not doing what she wants. We'll see what happens with that.

Milestone

Clark lost his first baby tooth last night. He pulled it himself. He was very proud because he didn't even cry. We caught the entire affair on video. Clark had been asking us to pull it all week but after discussing it we decided we would encourage him to do it himself. We wanted the decision to pull it to be his not look like an attempt by us to exclude Krypto from a major milestone. After returning from midweek visitation with her on Tuesday, Clark informed us he was told not to pull it until Friday when he goes back to her house.

Clark was working up the courage last night and was trying to get one of us to do it. He was drilling us about hard we would pull and if I would be easier. At one point he asked me directly to pull it and attempted to hand me the washcloth. My first thought was I would never hear the end of it if I was responsible for his first tooth being pulled. By the time she got done with the story I would be holding him down, prying the tooth from his head with pliers all the while he screams for his mother. No thank you.

In an attempt to purge myself of the guilt I surprisingly had over Krypto not being present for the event I spent close to an hour trying to edit the video to send to Krypto. By the time I was done I was tired of hearing my own voice on the tape. You could tell I was excited and apparently I turn into a tweaking chipmunk with a southern drawl when I get excited. Who knew?

After watching the newly edited video, Superman commented on my voice in the tape and how much she is going to hate hearing it. I ended up not sending the video yet. I have to decide if it will come across as a nice gesture or will she perceive it as an attempt to gloat over her not being a part of it? Or am I screwed either way?

Superman sent an email and some photos we took. Is every milestone going to be a race between us?

Taking the BullS*&@ By The Horns

I hope we didn't make a mistake but we decided to attack on both fronts. We already had a court date set for October with Lexie regarding the child support and visitation issues. Well, we decided to quit playing games with Krypto also. Superman sent her attorney a letter advising of 3 mediation appointments his client needs to choose from. If she refuses we will be filing contempt papers.

Krypto has a history of scheduling mediation and then backing out once she cools off or she gets distracted by something else. She did it in November 2008 (when she found out we were having a boy) and this year in April (after Kent was born). Both times she has not followed up on the appointment and they are never rescheduled. This time we are calling her bluff.

Superman called Lexie's attorney yesterday and advised her he was seeking mediation either by Lexie's agreement or he would request a court order to force her into it. She seemed receptive and stated she would contact Lexie to see what she says. In the past she was not interested but we will see what she says.

I think in order for us both to stay sane we need this to be resolved. I know I do. Some days I am too focused on them to concentrate on my own responsibilities and priorities. They are already a bigger part of my life than I want and I definitely don't need them taking permanent residence inside my head. So they are being evicted. Now I just have to figure out how to do that. Surely there's a twelve step program out there for it.

Surgery

Clark had surgery today. He had tubes put in his ears for the 4th time. It's our week so we got up and took him to the outpatient clinic this morning. Superman called Krypto yesterday and told her he was supposed to be there at 7:15. He confirmed she would be coming. We decided I would come and wait in the waiting room. I was not going to the recovery room. We didn't want to cause Clark any more stress from the tension that would no doubt be created by me stepping on Krypto's "mom space". No big deal. I am there for Superman and Clark not her. He wants me there. So that's where I will be. She of course didn't stroll in until 7:30. She lives exactly 3 miles from the clinic. But we have grown accustomed to her being late so we expected nothing less from her.

He came through with no problems and in less than 40 minutes from start to finish. The doctor said everything looked fine and this should stop the ear infections again. Hopefully this will be the last set. He made it 3 years since his last set.

As soon as they went to the recovery room to wait she asked if she could change her midweek visitation to another day. He told her he would have to get back to her. Krypto hates this. She doesn't like it when he consults me about the schedule. We decided along time ago this was a necessity if things were going to work smoothly in our household. I have a right to decide who and what affects my schedule and Superman agrees he should not be making the decision without at least consulting me.

Now normally I would have probably wouldn't have cared but not today. Just last week Krytpo scheduled his dentist appointment on our midweek before Thanksgiving and he is having a cap put on a tooth at noon. Superman asked if she would be willing to change it. Her exact words were "He will be fine. He will waiting on you at 3." So I told Superman I would be ok with her switching days if she was willing to switch ours. She, of course, was caught off guard. She was stumbling trying to come up with a reason why today is so different than the dentist apointment next month. Her argument of him not feeling and not being fair was quickly quieted by the sound of karma. Needless to say she will be having her midweek tonight because she refused to switch ours.

Birthday Party Madness

Clark's 7th birthday party was Saturday. We have access to a large room with a projector so the kids could munch on junk food, watch a movie, and play games. We had Clark at junk food. We sent out invitations to everyone in his class. In years past Krypto hasn't had a party including any of his friends and instead has a small party with her family. We didn't know until Saturday but apparently this year she is doing both this year. Clark was convinced 24 kids were going to show up at both his parties and he was going to get "a lot of stuff".

Only two of the kids showed up from his class. He had other kids and family so we think most of the others are going to Krypto's next weekend since she got her invitations out first. We need to decide how to stop the confusion for future parties not to mention the parents' of his classmates. I don't want to have to hurry and get out invitations 6 weeks early just so we can beat her to the punch. I just don't know how she will react to a suggestion of alternating years for birthday parties until he is a little older.

Clark had lots of fun at his Star Wars themed party. All the party items were 3D along with the movie we watched. The party games did not go like I imagined. I found some party games online and bought all the various items needed. I tried to keep it simple, fun and limit the possibilities of someone getting hurt. One in particular I was looking forward to was a balloon stomp game. Each person had a balloon tied to there ankle and goal was to pop everyone else's balloon before yours was popped. Unfortunately this game turned into a day at the races. The boys just ran around the group of chairs we had set up for the movie. It was bad version of duck duck goose. So I came up with the bright idea of enclosing them into a smaller area. We took four chairs and streamers and made a square. Well, this just resulted in a smaller circle the boys ran in. When it finally came down to two boys I decided they should have to hold on to each other's hand so they would have to stay close to each other. BAD IDEA! It almost became a injury inducing helicopter ride for the smaller boy. Needless to say the game quickly switched to a pop your own balloon the fastest.

After countless pieces of candy, bags of popcorn, cupcakes and ice cream, the party finally came to an end. No one was injured and Clark had a blast. He couldn't wait to get home and play with his new toys. We got everything home and unloaded and Clark began to listen to his new iPod he'd gotten and it struck me how old he has become. He was strutting around, singing, and acting like a such a big boy. I could almost see him growing up in front of me until I hear him belt out "if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it." Maybe not so grown up. I laugh and realize it was a good day to be his stepmom.

Again

Superman just called to let me know Lexie is pregnant.  Again.  Apparently she told Lois this morning.  I'm not going to say anything because of the guilt I felt over the last time.  I hope everything goes well and everyone is ok with the news of the upcoming birth of child #6.