The Discussion

We sat down with Lois last night. My stomach was tied in knots and I was repeating in my head over and over again. Stay calm. Come from a place of love not accusations. This is not a battle. It seemed to work. I kept unneeded comments to myself and tried interject when I felt strongly.

Superman asked her what her plans were. She began by saying very general things without any thought to time frames. I'm gonna get a better job and try to work in a daycare. Superman then told her the original agreement with us still stood. She is still required to pay the expenses attributed to her. She then told us she was moving in with her mother.

I was kind of shocked. I thought she would down the line once she realized this wasn't going to be a free ride and she couldn't play the "I'm pregnant" card at our house. She had already made plans to move her stuff out. I was also kind of upset because she failed to at least mention the idea to us before making all these plans.

Most of our discussion with her was not even said. There was no need to lecture her about taking responsibility now. If her mother is willing to support her then Superman would just look like the bad guy. He did however tell her to think about her decision. She is always welcome in our home but it does not have a revolving door. She can't ask to come back in a couple months when she doesn't like the setup at the other house.

I hope everything works out. I really do for everyone sake. But I do think Superman will be able to recover from all this without her being in the house and being confronted by it everyday. I want him to be able to have the relationship with his daughter restored at least mended.

I am however feeling very very guilty. I felt a wave of relief when she said she was moving out. I know I shouldn't and I will never share this with Superman. I feel like I'm about to get my home back. I will no longer be on edge when she is home. I won't have to worry if she brought her boyfriend to the house while we are at work. I won't have to worry about what other decisions could do to us financially or emotionally.

I don't like feeling I have to protect myself and my family from her. I don't know if this tumultuous relationship between her and I will ever improve. I hold her responsible for what she has done to Superman the last few years. I can't let it go. How do you forgive someone who hurt someone you love more than anyone in the world when they show no remorse?

This quote has been going through my head.

Forgiveness is giving up on the hope that things could have been different.

Maybe with time.

On our path

We were sitting in the parking lot of Walmart, discussing if we were going to have more kids. It felt safer than discussing it at home. Most of our important conversations lately have been in the car. I think it takes the pressure off. He doesn't have to look at me and I have to remain controlled or he could swerve into a ditch.

We had decided before the bomb was dropped we were going to have one more. We were going to be done before he turned 41. He didn't want anymore after that. I was ok with that. But then the news of his oldest daughter having a child changed everything in our universe. Was second child even up for discussion anymore? Did he want his wife and daughter pregnant at the same time? All valid questions and concerns.

He told Lois in their discussion we were on path and we weren't going to deviate from it but that didn't reassure me until he said the words. So that is why we ultimately ended up in the parking lot of Walmart. I asked if I needed to buy the fertility monitor test sticks we had to use the last time to get pregnant.

We discussed it. Rationally. I didn't cry. He didn't try to postpone the discussion. We discussed it like two mature adults. He told me the thought crossed his mind about not having anymore but he didn't want his daughter's decision effecting his marriage or his plans with me. I told him if we didn't have anymore now I would forever hold her responsible. I didn't say it negatively (somehow) and he understood my point of view.

I think we decided to start trying after the new year. Even after all the talking he wouldn't say he wanted another child. I believe him when he says he doesn't want to stray from our path we planned but a part of me thinks he is not 100% behind the plan still.

Things between us are still up and down. We talked on Christmas eve after we played Santa for the kids. We laid on the floor in front of the lit Christmas tree and laid everything out. I tried to explain where I was coming from. I tried to explain the loss of control over my house and son's future. I tried to explain how little control I have and to lose what little control I have is going to drive me to the edge. I apologized for making him choose me over his daughter. I told him where I stood and my feelings for the last week.

He explained his anger over the situation. He explained his frustration with his daughter. He explained his fear for his daughter and for the other kids. He apologized for not understanding how this affects me. But mostly he told me our marriage was important and something he is willing to fight for. He told me he loved me and would do everything in his power to get thru this together.

We set rules of for discussing things so we don't fight unfairly. I feel better but I know there is still a lot of work ahead. But every morning I will get up and will try another day because that's what I promised I would do and I can't imagine getting up and not having that man beside me.

The Line

I left last night. Superman and I had been bickering most of the day on the phone and thru text. Lois went to the doctor today and Superman passed the information along to me. It didn't add up. The due date didn't match the number of weeks she was.

I wanted to know why and Superman was upset because I always think she's lying. That's mainly because I always think she's lying. Superman is willing to look over a lot. I'm not able to do that. So we fight. We each stand in our corners, waiting to see what the other person is going to do. Protecting ourselves but not willing to throw the first punch.

So in the middle of dinner, trying to feed Kent, and attempting to fix the computer/iPod issues he asks me a question and I simply tell him I can't do it all. He responds "You can't answer a question?" That was the proverbial straw.

I calmly got up, put Kent's bowl down and said I have to leave. I grabbed my purse and walked out. I drove and cried. I called my friend and cried to her. Not once did Superman attempt to call. While talking to my friend the realization of what I was asking of him hit me.

I am asking him to pick me over his daughter. I want to be the one he chooses. And I'm afraid of what his choice would be. I want this man so badly and can't imagine my life without him in it. The natural order of things would be the child always wins. And my heart is breaking.

I came to realize it is not about his choice. It's about mine. I need to know where my line is and what my terms are. If my needs are not being met and the situation violates the conditions I set then ultimately the decision is mine. I can not ask him to choose me over his daughter. He needs to find his own line. His own path. I can not sacrifice who I am to be with this man. No matter how much I would want to. I will not play the role as martyr because that will be just as destructive.

My decision made I went back home. We did not speak. We went to bed. I cried myself to sleep. I can not lose this man but what will this cost me?

Fraud

Superman had a short conversation with Lois. She approached him and he didn't want to cut her off. He was being very upfront with her and told her how he felt. He told her he wasn't happy about the situation. He asked her questions that she hadn't thought about yet.

Who is going to watch the baby while she works?
How much is Mr. Wonderful going to be involved?
How is she going to pay for it?

He told me when he was asking her questions she kept saying. "You sound like I ruined everyone's lives." He explained to her she didn't understand what an impact this decision will have on her life and everyone else's. He told her we (Superman and I) have path we have decided to go down and plans have been made. We are not going to alter our plans because of her decisions. She is an adult and it is her responsibility to deal with the consequences.

By the conversation I think she was expecting us to be happy about it just like her mom.

We also learned one more piece of interesting information. Lois was asking about how much the insurance would cover and how much she would have to pay when she told Superman Lexie had signed the kids up for the state medicaid program while she was still living there. Lexie gave her the card the last time she was over there.

Superman has provided insurance on the girls for the last 15 years. Not just insurance. Great insurance. This is the best policy I have ever seen. We even have dental rollover dollars! (That's at least amazing to me.) So why the fuck is Lexie signing the girls up? Not to mention she has been on it for over a year and never mentioned it to Superman. And here's the best part. She asked to be reimbursed for medical expenses that we now know that state has picked up. That conniving little bitch.

With my job I know how the program works. Lois is not able to use the medicaid ID number for her mother's case unless she is living there. Her mother had 5 days to report the change. Income and household size determine eligibility. If she failed to report it, anything filed after would be considered medicaid fraud.

We have to tell Lois she either uses the cards and moves back in with her mother or she opens her own case. Either way in 5 days if something is not done I am reporting the fraud. My job and my husband's job could be in jeopardy if it looks like we knew and did nothing.

PI Wanted

If I ever wanted to be a private investigator, the events of today should clearly show why I am never going to make millions spying on people.

I got on my facebook and notice Lois posted she had gone home early from work. I was upset. She was fine this morning. Not to mention I went to work everyday and was sick at work everyday for 6 months. I had bills to pay and so does she.

I went to the online phone account and check her texts for the past few hours. Currently she has 22000 for this month. That is not a typo. So you can definately tell when she is at work, in the shower or even sleeping.

What do you know? Not a single break. I am pissed.

Staring at me in the face is an ad for GPS locate. It advertises you can know where your kids are and have peace of mind. Track your kids with their cell phone. Well. I could use some of that.

I sign up. On the wrong telephone number.

Guess who gets a text about it? It gives her a password and the website to start tracking. Wait for it. Me.

Ok. It could be worse. It somewhat looks like a promotional text. Maybe she won't notice. I immediately cancel it on her phone, add it to mine and then go to the website and register. Now we are tracking. And low and behold she is not at our house. She's at her mother's.

But wait my utter failure as a PI is not yet complete.

Lois sends me a text. What is family tracking? Oh shit. She sends another. I just got another one that you are tracking me??? Oh fuck! The only thing that is working today is my quick thinking. I let her know I got a similar text and I am already online looking at the account. Which is entirely true. I go on for about the next hour back and forth with her. Asking all kinds of stupid but official sounding questions. Then I had to call Superman and tell him what I had done and ask him to help make this seem even more official. I explained what I had done and asked him to contact Lois and ask why she was tracking his phone. Which is entirely false. By this time I had cancelled the account on Lois and began one on myself so now I can have the text from the wireless company. Then I have to cancel that.

It wasn't worth all the hassle and drama just to find out where she was at one time. I was on pins and needles not knowing if she believed me. When I got home she kept going on about how she thinks Mr. Wonderful did something to the account so he would know where she was. Ok. I admit I was wrong for not correcting her but at least I gave her the impression to hack into someone's account is not something anyone can do.

I have learned my lesson.

But seriously what kind of genius sells a product to track your kids but then notifies your kids they are being tracked with their cell phone? Hello! Big red truck!!! (If you don't know what that means I be glad to fill you in on a little southern humor)

On Purpose

I think she planned this pregnancy. She is not reacting at all like I thought she would. She is not acting sad or depressed as a matter of fact she seems excited and happy.

And that is making this more difficult for me to deal with.

That and she asked to wear some of my maternity clothes. After her mother bought her some freaking maternity clothes and baby gifts.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I think she thought her boyfriend and her would live happily ever after.

Here is the background on Mr. Wonderful. He just had a baby with his last girlfriend. On Monday. He is a senior in high school. And he almost 20.

She can pick a winner.

I am trying to let go of my anger but I can't get over it right now. I have to admit this is bringing back painful memories from my own youth. Only a handful of people on the planet know about it but I too had to deal with an unplanned pregnancy at almost her age. I am still dealing with my decision.

I am angry she might have made this decision expecting our complete financial support.

We have decided to take most of her Christmas gifts back to help offsets some of the expenses she has caused us so the other kids don't suffer.

I still have yet to make eye contact with her.

A Strange Thing Happened

A major concern I had with news of the pregnancy was how it would effect my relationship with my husband. I know he has a deep love for his children and I'm sure after some time healing it would extend to any grandchildren. He is willing to do just about anything for them even at his own personal happiness.

I had my doubts if we were going to be able to agree on what we were willing to do and not able to. I fully expected this to pull us apart. I imagined that day as the specific day my marriage began to unravel. I was heartbroken.

We have been fighting more recently than ever before. Between lack of sleep taking care of Kent, Lois moving in, court, not to mention everyday life of a blended family, we had begun to take it out on each other. Not bad fights. Just little skirmishes. No one wins but both are hurt.

Amid all the turmoil, chaos and hurt feelings in the house we have found each other again. The last few days instead of driving us apart we have remembered the other is our rock during hard times.

We have talked and decided things about our future. I have no doubt disagreements are inevitable but I have a renewed since of confidence in my marriage. We are strong enough to endure whatever comes.

Too Much

I never thought I would be writing this. I am overwhelmed and so is Superman.

Lois told Superman she is pregnant. By text message. Her boyfriend has now left her and that's about all we know.

How do you come to terms with something like this. She has no idea what her choices have done to her life and our family.

Why can't I stop thinking about how this effects me? I didn't say anything to Superman because I know this is not the time.

This is the first time as a stepmother I have felt this way towards her. I don't want her actions to hurt me. I don't want to raise her child or my resources to go to the situation of her own making. And I feel so guilty about that.

Dear god. How are we going to get thru this?

But I can't be angry

Superman got a call from Lois tonight.

"hey dad, just wanted to let you know I hit a curb but no damage."

Now keep in mind this is our car that we have been letting her use. It is paid for and it only has liability insurance. Ironically just today we had a conversation about how she doesn't appreciate what we have be doing for her since she moved in. She asked to keep the car all night and was upset when she was told it had to be home by her curfew. She wanted to know why and she was immediately told because it wasn't hers.

Then Superman gets a second phone call.

"Hey dad. The car is leaking. I think it is oil and I'm going to stop and get some."
"You need to come home right now."
"But I have to take dirt bag boyfriend home first"
"I don't think you understand what is going on. He needs to find a ride. He can sit in the garage while he waits."

Third call.

"Dad. The car won't move at all"

Superman talks to her for a little while and goes to go pick her up and have the car towed. As of right now I'm not believing the story we are getting.

We don't have the money to replace the car not to
mention have it worked on. So now we are out of our second vehicle that my husband depends on to do everything outside of work. Thank god he has a vehicle to use on company time but he can't have passengers so of course. I'll be doing it all. By my self.

I am furious but I apparently don't get to be mad. I don't get to say how this effects me. I am mad at both of them. Her for being irresponsible with property that is not hers. And him for letting her have it when we depend on that car and knowing she couldn't afford to repair or replace it.

I want to return her presents to help pay for the damages. And make her walk to work bit I probably can't get both of those without really seeming like the bitch. I'm sure I'll calm down to only slightly angry within the next few days, ok maybe weeks ok maybe months. Ok definately in the next year.

Do stupid people know they are?

This is the email we got today. Word for word.

Superman,
Yesterday Tuesday Dec. 1st when I was at your house you made a comment that Clark's Dr. Appointment had been changed from Dec. X at 3:45pm to this Friday Dec. Xth at 4:00pm, I was just wondering when you were planning on informing me of this change in date and time...after it was over....due to the fact that this appointment is during my visitation and for all you know I could have gotten off of work early to pick him up right at 3:00...
I would appreciate it from now on that if you go and make an appointment or change an appointment then you notify me the same day it was made or changed..I have done this with you for every appointment I have made for Clark and the ones that I have had to change or the Dr. has changed. This is just common courtesy.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you know of any reason as to why this can not be done.

Crazy Krypto

Well let me see. I think he planned to mention it to you when you were at our house and he mentioned it to you. This appointment originally had to be rescheduled because she had the original appointment cancelled.

And yea she has told him about the appointments she makes. Of course the last three she has provided the wrong time and the one before that she scheduled to have a tooth capped on my birthday during our visitation week.

God must love stupid people because he made so many of them.