I left last night. Superman and I had been bickering most of the day on the phone and thru text. Lois went to the doctor today and Superman passed the information along to me. It didn't add up. The due date didn't match the number of weeks she was.
I wanted to know why and Superman was upset because I always think she's lying. That's mainly because I always think she's lying. Superman is willing to look over a lot. I'm not able to do that. So we fight. We each stand in our corners, waiting to see what the other person is going to do. Protecting ourselves but not willing to throw the first punch.
So in the middle of dinner, trying to feed Kent, and attempting to fix the computer/iPod issues he asks me a question and I simply tell him I can't do it all. He responds "You can't answer a question?" That was the proverbial straw.
I calmly got up, put Kent's bowl down and said I have to leave. I grabbed my purse and walked out. I drove and cried. I called my friend and cried to her. Not once did Superman attempt to call. While talking to my friend the realization of what I was asking of him hit me.
I am asking him to pick me over his daughter. I want to be the one he chooses. And I'm afraid of what his choice would be. I want this man so badly and can't imagine my life without him in it. The natural order of things would be the child always wins. And my heart is breaking.
I came to realize it is not about his choice. It's about mine. I need to know where my line is and what my terms are. If my needs are not being met and the situation violates the conditions I set then ultimately the decision is mine. I can not ask him to choose me over his daughter. He needs to find his own line. His own path. I can not sacrifice who I am to be with this man. No matter how much I would want to. I will not play the role as martyr because that will be just as destructive.
My decision made I went back home. We did not speak. We went to bed. I cried myself to sleep. I can not lose this man but what will this cost me?
4 comments:
My heart is breaking for you.... we've all faced this and I think sometimes it works out - sometimes the cost isn't too high, but sometimes it is and you are better off walking away. Which one of these "sometimes" you are I don't know. I do know it sounds like you are in a valley (a low point), my mother always warned me about making rash decisions in the valley or on the mountain top - typically we never make wise decisions in either place. My thoughts are with you!!!
I'm in a valley right now as well and like you feel the walls closing in on me and that I am losing so much of myself to be in this relationship.
I hope you get some much-needed time out over the next few weeks and that you find a way to let go of your anger.
I've been there, driving and crying, wanting so badly to make things work. It's hard, but you can do it. You just have to realize that he's not going to choose, and he shouldn't have to when he can have you both.
Why does it matter when her due date is? The fact is that she is pregnant and having a baby in a few months. A lie about the date of conception isn't going to amount to a hill of beans when that baby comes.
My advice to you: Follow your husband's lead on Lois and her actions. You and Superman must be playing on the same team if you want your marriage to survive.
So so sorry you're having a rough go. I can only imagine the pain and frustration you're feeling as you try to start your own family off on the right foot. I think Sharon's advice is very sound...see if you can't get some alone (and out of town) time with Superman to be together and formulate a team plan. When we hit a wall, we always find it best to get out of town and really talk.
Wishing you all the best...hope things are looking up soon...xo.
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