Monday, December 28, 2009

The Discussion

We sat down with Lois last night. My stomach was tied in knots and I was repeating in my head over and over again. Stay calm. Come from a place of love not accusations. This is not a battle. It seemed to work. I kept unneeded comments to myself and tried interject when I felt strongly.

Superman asked her what her plans were. She began by saying very general things without any thought to time frames. I'm gonna get a better job and try to work in a daycare. Superman then told her the original agreement with us still stood. She is still required to pay the expenses attributed to her. She then told us she was moving in with her mother.

I was kind of shocked. I thought she would down the line once she realized this wasn't going to be a free ride and she couldn't play the "I'm pregnant" card at our house. She had already made plans to move her stuff out. I was also kind of upset because she failed to at least mention the idea to us before making all these plans.

Most of our discussion with her was not even said. There was no need to lecture her about taking responsibility now. If her mother is willing to support her then Superman would just look like the bad guy. He did however tell her to think about her decision. She is always welcome in our home but it does not have a revolving door. She can't ask to come back in a couple months when she doesn't like the setup at the other house.

I hope everything works out. I really do for everyone sake. But I do think Superman will be able to recover from all this without her being in the house and being confronted by it everyday. I want him to be able to have the relationship with his daughter restored at least mended.

I am however feeling very very guilty. I felt a wave of relief when she said she was moving out. I know I shouldn't and I will never share this with Superman. I feel like I'm about to get my home back. I will no longer be on edge when she is home. I won't have to worry if she brought her boyfriend to the house while we are at work. I won't have to worry about what other decisions could do to us financially or emotionally.

I don't like feeling I have to protect myself and my family from her. I don't know if this tumultuous relationship between her and I will ever improve. I hold her responsible for what she has done to Superman the last few years. I can't let it go. How do you forgive someone who hurt someone you love more than anyone in the world when they show no remorse?

This quote has been going through my head.

Forgiveness is giving up on the hope that things could have been different.


Maybe with time.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, now it seems my last comment was totally moot. LOL

I know you must be relieved that she's moving out. Don't feel guilty. She's made some bad choices and if Mom wants to baby her, that's her business, but she's not doing Lois any favors. I thinks Lois would have matured more by living at your house and taking some responsibility for her life. I hope Superman doesn't allow her to move back in whenever she feels like it.

In the meantime, you can still encourage Superman to maintain contact with Lois and his grandchild-to-be. It's hard to be gracious when you've seen him hurt, but there is always hope for change.

Eyes Wide Open said...

I think I would feel relief in your situation too...but I'm sorry that it makes you guys look like the "bad guys."
Forgiveness will come - it's a long, looooooooooong practice. Just remember, all you can't control her. Or anyone. Just focus on strengthening your marriage and caring for your son, being there for Lois if she needs it but not being a doormat. After enough practice, forgiveness just becomes your way of life (or so they tell me, I have yet to get to that point...)
Keeping you in my thoughts...

Lori G. said...

I would be so relieved too. As for looking like a bad pair of bad guys, I don't think anything you would have done would have changed their perspective on that. It's easier for people like Lois and her mother to blame others rather than sit down and see what THEY might have done to create this situation.

I think you two did really well together and are doing great. Hang in there!

Stef said...

Don't worry about feeling guilty that you are relieved she's going. I think it's part of the step-parenting thing to want your life back especially when things are tough.

Crys said...

I wouldn't worry too much about being a bad guy. I think love and support in a constructive manner will shine through. And if not then that is her loss.

And here is a quote for you:
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
-- Catherine Ponder

Forgiving people that hurt your loved ones is hard. But I think holding a grudge takes a lot more energy. I've taken to forgive, but take note for future things.