On our path

We were sitting in the parking lot of Walmart, discussing if we were going to have more kids. It felt safer than discussing it at home. Most of our important conversations lately have been in the car. I think it takes the pressure off. He doesn't have to look at me and I have to remain controlled or he could swerve into a ditch.

We had decided before the bomb was dropped we were going to have one more. We were going to be done before he turned 41. He didn't want anymore after that. I was ok with that. But then the news of his oldest daughter having a child changed everything in our universe. Was second child even up for discussion anymore? Did he want his wife and daughter pregnant at the same time? All valid questions and concerns.

He told Lois in their discussion we were on path and we weren't going to deviate from it but that didn't reassure me until he said the words. So that is why we ultimately ended up in the parking lot of Walmart. I asked if I needed to buy the fertility monitor test sticks we had to use the last time to get pregnant.

We discussed it. Rationally. I didn't cry. He didn't try to postpone the discussion. We discussed it like two mature adults. He told me the thought crossed his mind about not having anymore but he didn't want his daughter's decision effecting his marriage or his plans with me. I told him if we didn't have anymore now I would forever hold her responsible. I didn't say it negatively (somehow) and he understood my point of view.

I think we decided to start trying after the new year. Even after all the talking he wouldn't say he wanted another child. I believe him when he says he doesn't want to stray from our path we planned but a part of me thinks he is not 100% behind the plan still.

Things between us are still up and down. We talked on Christmas eve after we played Santa for the kids. We laid on the floor in front of the lit Christmas tree and laid everything out. I tried to explain where I was coming from. I tried to explain the loss of control over my house and son's future. I tried to explain how little control I have and to lose what little control I have is going to drive me to the edge. I apologized for making him choose me over his daughter. I told him where I stood and my feelings for the last week.

He explained his anger over the situation. He explained his frustration with his daughter. He explained his fear for his daughter and for the other kids. He apologized for not understanding how this affects me. But mostly he told me our marriage was important and something he is willing to fight for. He told me he loved me and would do everything in his power to get thru this together.

We set rules of for discussing things so we don't fight unfairly. I feel better but I know there is still a lot of work ahead. But every morning I will get up and will try another day because that's what I promised I would do and I can't imagine getting up and not having that man beside me.