I'm too young

I have had migraines for for about 15 years. It never concerned me enough to worry about them. As I got older they became less frequent, maybe once or twice a year. I had one at the early stages of this pregnancy just like I did with Kent. I didn't think anything about it. My doctor is aware and we prepared for it.

In the last 5 weeks I have gotten 4. They have entered a different kind of hell. I always saw floating lights, had difficulty speaking, and tingling in my hand before the pain set in. It is not as common as a regular migraine but it's managble. I am now having paralysis on one side and on one occasion couldn't find the words to talk to Superman. I knew what I wanted to say but it wouldn't translate to speech. I had to play charades with Superman to get him to understand what I wanted. I was scared. I found refereneces to what I was experiecing in medical texts but I was worried it was going to continue.

My last doctor appointment my doctor wanted to verify it was in fact just a complicated migraine or hemipelegic migraine so he sent me to a nuerologist who was willing to see me the next day. I assumed I would be seen, comforted and sent home with doctor's order to relax.

I was wrong. I am now scheduled for a MRI after this baby is delivered. He believes I might have had a mini-stroke with good recovery. So minor I was able to recover in a short period time. I was found to have a clotting disorder during my fertlity testing, which ultimately was to blame for my miscarriages. Apparently pregnancy, migraine history and the clotting disorder increases my chances enough where he is concerned.

I was devasted. Superman didn't go with me because we didn't think it would be a big deal. I still am very emotional and start to cry everytime I think about it. I just don't know how to deal with this. I have had so many different medical problems for someone my age, how did this happen to me? I know this hasn't been confirmed but he presentation did not give the impression he was just ruling it out to be safe.

I am scared and don't want to leave my family. I don't know how to deal with this.

So it begins

Last week, Superman sent the email to Krypto about the change in childcare and informed her of Clark's last day at after school care. And then...nothing. No response. No nasty texts. No hateful emails. So we waited. And waited.

On Sunday, he decided to text her and make sure she had no desire to put the account in her name. She simply said she had made an appointment with her attorney and the childcare would be putting Clark on the waiting list once the two weeks were up. She went on about how it was in Clark's best interest to stay in care and how it was not discussed with her. She went on to say because of joint custody the decision should have been agreed upon.

Superman merely responded the order states he must provide childcare and if she decides not to use what we provide she has every right to seek other care however at her own expense.

I just can't believe she doesn't see the difference. The papers don't require a level of childcare in fact it states "sitter". She says its whats best. Does she not understand if we can't afford it then it falls upon her to get it if she thinks it's what's best. So if Superman decided private school was what was best would she agree to pay for half? I somehow doubt it. She can be very picky when it's not her money she is playing with.

Now I am stressed out again. I know this is what we both expected but now that its actually happening it bothers me. I know she can't file contempt but that doesn't mean her attorney won't do it. I know she could force mediation but it would solve nothing since Superman will not agree to pay for childcare when I'm staying home. Why can't things just be easy? Hopefully her attorney will tell her she'll just have to deal with it if she doesn't want to pay for it herself. Fingers crossed and praying that a judge would see it wouldn't be fair for 2 kids to go to childcare because of a selfish mother of another.

Into the unknown

We all made it through Thanksgiving. It was our year without all the kids so it was definately a smaller affair than last year. We had made plans to travel this year to my husband's niece's house but so close to delivering we decided it was better to stay close to home.

In a matter of weeks I will embark on a new chapter in my life. I will be a stay at home mom. I have never been so nervous and unsure of my ability. I never imagined myself here. I would never have dreamed 6 years ago that no only would I be giving up working but I would be staying home with my kids.

Growing up, I was not very domestic. I was very driven and worked hard to earn my degree. I have worked practically my entire life. I have always been very good at my job and always have held positions of authority. During a job interview 6 years ago, I was asked where I would be at ini 5 years. I told him, I would most likely have his job.

I am preparing myself for an adjustment and hope I can handle this new direction my life has taken me. I know we are in for a fight when we let Krypto know about the upcoming change. I think we have decided to let her in on it in about a week. Here's hoping she accepts it. (I know...I can dream).

For any SAHM....how did you handle the transition and any advice?

Off to the attorney we go

We had our appointment with our attorney. Based on Superman's divorce decree he is required to "provide childcare until it is no longer needed." We had some questions we needed answered before we could ultimately make the decision I could stay home with the boys.

I love our attorney. She comes highly recommended and will tell you point blank if going to court or filing anything is a waste of time and money. She reviewed everything and she told us according to the agreement, I will be able to provide any after school care and not be required to pay for someone else to do it. Yay! Even if Krypto doesn't agree...which of course she will.

She also believes his child support on Lane will end next year when she turns 18. Her mother is currently "homeschooling" her. Which in reality means, Lane is taking courses at the community college and her mother hasn't taught her anything but because her not being enrolled at a high school we didn't know for sure if it would stop. After 16 years Superman will have complete control of his financial contribution to the girls.

So all in all, time well spent. Now we just have to tell Krypto what is about to happen and then see the sparks fly. Our attorney said she can't even file contempt charges until we go to mediation first which is a bonus for us.

I am so excited about being able to stay home with the boys. I feel like I missed so much with Kent. I have spent my days at work and so much mental space on trying to get pregnant that I feel like he grew up before my eyes and I missed it. Hopefully I can make up for lost time.

Baby ? has arrived.

Well Lois's baby arrived at 4:30am on November 1. Superman was informed by text at 10:30am. Along with the fact, she was delivered at her mother's house and the adopted parents had already taken possession. Awesome. Way to respect your father's feelings.

I was floored. She delivered her at her mother's house not by accident. After being sent home yesterday from the hospital, a decision was made to call a midwife "her mother knew". Awesome. This coming from Lois who has had no less than nine ER visits for unexplained pain and problems during this pregnancy. Now she decides at the last minute to have a home birth. Who does this?

And she "thinks" the new parents will take the baby to the doctor. Apparently she really doesn't have any thought to this new child. She finally got rid the of the problem that has been plaguing her for nine months. Within minutes of delivery she was on Faceb**k talking with friends about unrelated nothingness.

I just can't imagine. I was summoned to my doctor's office yesterday after my strong pain meds would not relieve my headache. I was put through a battery of tests and as I sit here, I am on a new pain med in order to function. Apparently a headache is a red flag that causes mass hysteria among OBGYNs. I still don't know the verdict. I do know I left the doctor's office with a fear I thought I was past in this pregnancy: losing my child to yet another unforeseen medical condition. I cried. I cried out of fear, frustration and the unfairness. So as I sit here thinking and praying for the best outcome of whatever is wrong, I can't help but judge a mother with no thought to her child.

Unfortunately my husband can't stop thinking about that same child who will never call him grandpa. His heart is breaking and I don't know what to do.

Upcoming Arrival

Because of my long absence, there are some very large holes in my story. The largest and the most looming over me right now is the birth of Lois's second child. Yes. She got pregnant again in February which only added to my mental status. There is of course drama relating to this pregnancy.

Initially she told everyone she got pregnant with a new guy in the picture, Non...on their first date. But very quickly the numbers didn't add up. Someone dealing with fertility issues, is not the person you lie to about conception dates and things. She managed to know she was pregnant and inform Non before a test would even show positive. I knew something was just not right.

Well fast forward to June of 2011. Non and Lois have big fight, things get physical, and Kara is hurt. Non denies it all and gets arrested for abusing both girls. Protective order gets put in place, which they both violate. Kara gets taken away by the state for about 2 weeks. The police determine Lois's story doesn't make since and now don't know who to believe. They are not sure if it was Lois or Non who hit Kara prior to the fight. All charges are dropped against both except violation of the order of protection which has been extended for a year.

Well after all that mess had died down, Lois announces low and behold the child is not in fact Non's but Otis, Kara's dad. The same person who she swore was crazy and stalking her. Well apparently it's not that bad if she managed get pregnant.

Her due date is in question, because she won't tell anyone the truth. Lexie went to one of the ultrasound appointments and the doctor basically said the due date was incorrect due to the size of the baby. Oops.

Well now Lois has decided to give this child up for adoption. This is the second time she has done this during this pregnancy. The first time was when her and Non were off in May before the big blowup. This adoption has brought up a lot of hurt feelings in the family.

I feel she made the decision to not protect herself so she needs to take responsibility. She still is not working a job. She is living with her mother and "working" for her. Once again she runs from any responsibility in order to not have to take action herself. Superman is devastated and there is nothing he can do. I just can't imagine carrying a child for nine months and giving them away especially knowing a sibling remains behind. The couple adopting the child is the pastor of the "church" Lois and Luther go to. So of course they are supportive of it. They tend to move churches a lot and are somewhat fanatical in there beliefs. Once they created their own church. I am spiritual however I questions someone's motives when they are obviously getting something out of it.

So any day now, Lois will bring a new child into the world and I don't know what that means for my own family. I remember watching an episode of Teen Mom and hearing a statistic that a large portion of teen mothers will have another child within the next year. Damn statistics are right again.

Musical doctor and lesson learned

About two weeks ago, I decided I would take it upon myself to arrange the normal yearly appointments for Clark and Kent. In another stroke of scheduling genius I decided to schedule all the boys', including Superman's, eye doctor's appointments at the same time. Clark and Superman have always gone together so adding another child to the mix should not have been difficult. In my mind, Clark would go first with Superman and Krypto in the room, afterwards she would leave and I would step in with Kent and the process would continue with Kent seeing the doctor examine Superman first so he wouldn't be scared. This is not how it happened.

The front desk took FOREVER to complete the paperwork to insurance even with us arriving early. Instead of sending one completed file back at a time she decided to send all three. Well this made the start time past the appointment time so this in turn, pushed the staff into panic mode. The tech called Clark back and immediately called Kent. We tried to explain our family dynamics and various relationships without the aid of a flowchart but it was too much. Superman ended up running back and forth between rooms and the doctor. He had to kick Krypto out of his appointment twice because staff kept trying to push her in the room. It should not be this hard.

When everything was said and done with glasses ordered. I was informed Clark had left his backpack in our vehicle and since he was going home to Krypto's that night I needed to get it. Clark, Krypto, Kent and I walked to the vehicle. I opened it retrieved the backpack and let the boys say goodbye one more time. Clark runs off with his mother yelling back at me, "Bye, Mom.". I knew I was going to pay for that one later. I didn't see her face but I know it turned to ice.

I go back inside to tell him about the comment and he in turns tells me his funny story. Krytpo wanted to get Clark contacts. I was shocked. This is the child who still get skid marks in his underwear and she thinks he's responsible enough to put something in his eye. This coming from the woman who can't wear contacts for any length because of the problems she had because she didn't take care of her own contacts. This coming from the woman who decided to flush Clark's live fish because the fish bowl was too dirty to clean. Great idea. Superman decided to let her ask the doctor and then say his peace. Apparently the doctor felt he was too young also and the issue would be revisited in 2 years and when both parents agree. Krypto decided to throw Clark under the bus for wanting them against her better judgment. Superman said Krypto was trying her hardest to make sure the doctor understood she was just bringing it up like she promised Clark she would.

So much to lose myself in

It's been awhile since I posted last. I thought about it randomly from time to time. Most of the last year I have experienced my greatest highs and my ultimate lows. I have withdrawn from the step-parent world in order to find myself again and to focus on my own needs. I have stepped back not only from this blog but I also feel like a little from the kids.

I was unhappy and sometimes resentful. It was brought on by our repeated failed attempts to conceive. We have miscarried two times with the most recent time April of 2010. I was devastated and bitter. My world revolved around my cycle and every month more panicked it was never going to happen.

We began fertility testing in November 2010. I began tests of all different kinds. All saying the same thing: I should be pregnant. I wanted answers. I wanted another child. In February of 2011 a small glimpse of hope emerged. A possible cause of the miscarriages with a treatment plan in place but the problem still remained. I was not pregnant. I was using a fertility monitor and testing every morning to check for ovulation. The fertility specialist advised fertility meds and we began the long process of fertility treatments. Two more months passed, more testing, and appointments were being made for IVF. This was our only option. Nothing else worked. I didn't know if I could sacrifice all our savings for a procedure that may or may not work. We were one of the lucky few that insurance covered a portion of the first attempt but that was it. We would have one shot.

The final month before IVF was to start I was scheduled to ovulate while Superman was out of town for training. This was the first month in 16 months I gave up hope. I chalked the month up to a failure and started preparing myself for the upcoming appointments. But they never came.

Easter weekend I saw something I had been praying for years. A little plus sign.

I tell all this not for this to become a infertility blog but to explain my resenting the kids and even their mothers more. I was upset the kids didn't understand my world did not revolve around them all the time and sometimes I admit their prescence reminded me of what I was missing. I was upset their mothers would revel in my sorrow and waste such a precious gift of having their children. I was upset they had the opportunity to stay home when their children were young, however I had to go to work and drop my child off at daycare in order to support their children now. I get upset and frustrated and for the most part this part of my story they will never know. I know what sacrifices I have made for my children. I was willing to do whatever it took to have my family complete... all of it.

I do not ask for gratitude, or recognition. What I discovered along this process was a need for understanding. I am still struggling with the massive changes happening in our lives and with the kids. But I am starting to test the waters to see if I'm ready to jump back in to the mix.