Embarking On Adulthood

Lois is officially an adult.  She turned 18 and she is now responsible only to herself.  The decisions she makes will be her own and the consequences will also be hrs.  You could tell she had imaged this day for a long time and what would be happening.  She would be able to hang out with friends, late into the night, talking, and gossiping.  She would get to experience the freedom she has longed for these past few months.

Unfortunately reality reared its ugly head.  She was not allowed to take our car because she hasn't gotten a job to cover the additional insurance and gas she would need to experience her new found freedom.  Her friends are in high school and not allowed to go out late at night and due to the new laws in our state only one teenager can be in the car at a time past a certain time of night.   So her first night as an adult she spent with us.  You could tell she was disappointed and we tried to make her feel better without explaining being an adult is rarely fun and your schedule is usually driven by necessity not by wants.

She did take the time to organize her room since she was stuck at home and then went to bed so she could get to class and finish her GED testing.    She didn't sulk or let her mood filter out onto the rest of us.  She merely accepted it and made the best of it.  I do feel bad she didn't have a more exciting birthday. 

He Called Me Mom

We have always let Clark decide what to call me. He calls me by my first name. No big deal. It's his decision.

Now that I've said that I can tell you deep down inside, where there are things I don't share with Superman or anyone else, it does matter to me. I would love for him to call me mom. I need validation from a 6 year old that I matter. I don't like the looks from strangers in public who realize I'm the stepmother and I instantly feel judged. I doubt the clerk at Walmart is going to start yelling at me that I'm a home wrecker but still the fact remains. I would love for people to see my family and not think a second thought. Mom, dad, kids. No big deal. Yes, a part of me wants to prove a point to Krypto. I would love for her to know in Clark's eyes I am a mother at his dad's house. I know it's petty.

My 3rd anniversary of my 28th birthday was last week. (I've decided to not celebrate birthdays but rather anniversaries. I always did like being 28.) My husband and the kids got me flowers and a card. Clark and Kent picked one out and he gave it to me. It said world's greatest mom. No big deal. Clark always calls me mom when he is talking to Kent. He knows Kent will call me mom.

However, during the middle of dinner we all were discussing the upcoming birthday party for Clark. We were trying to decide what kind of games would be fun and somehow we kept trying to top each others' ideas with more outrageous ones. Then Clark says, "My friends would be like, your mom is funny." He took a minute and then said "I mean stepmom." He looked at me and looked at Superman, trying to gage our reaction. I tried not to react. I did. Really. But I couldn't stop. I started to cry. Not the big ugly cry just the I've got something in my eye. I recovered quickly and nothing more was said.

I know it's small. It may not have meant anything to anyone else but to me it means the world. Maybe, just maybe, I am slowly making progress.

She's In

Lois is now officially at our house. Her clothes are in the closet, her bed is made, and her shoes are in the closet. I had no idea she had so many clothes. We apparently only saw a small portion of her closet every other weekend. She got in later than we hoped but rain slowed the process down.

We have a strict no interrogation policy at our house. We don't question the kids about the other households. We don't ask questions designed to solicit a response. Anything they tell us is of their own free will. But I was dying to know what happened the last few days to move up the move in day by more than a week.

While unpacking with Superman, Lois told Superman Lexie wanted her to leave because it was too hard on her. Lois being there and Lexie knowing she was leaving was too much so Lois was asked to leave. Lexie apparently cried most of the day yesterday and Luther wasn't even home.

I think Lois was a little hurt. You could tell yesterday. I know this is hard on everyone. Their little girl is becoming an adult but I don't think anyone thought this is how Lois would be spending her 18th birthday.

This is what we are getting from Lois. I know she could be playing us but only time will tell. She hasn't been caught lying to us recently and she told us things in the last two weeks that we had no idea she had done. (I wish she would have kept some of those little tidbits of information to herself)

What Does A Falling Shoe Sound Like?

I knew it couldn't be easy. No fighting, no crying, no guilt trips. I hate to admit it but without these little moments my pessimistic attitude just wouldn't be justified. I'm trying to be a better person and not think the worst but what's a girl to do.

Lois called Superman yesterday to discuss her birthday dinner. For the last 12 years Superman has had dinner alone with the girls on their birthday. We kept the tradition even after we got married. Its in the visitation agreement. Its one of the few things about the agreement Superman actually really likes. Lexie in recent years has been mumbling about how unfair it is. (He gets additional 2 hours a year on their birthday and she gets the kids 12 out of every 14 days. Yeah, really unfair.) Anyways, Lois calls and asks if Superman is still able to take her birthday off next week and spend it with her as he suggested earlier in the week. Superman tells her because she didn't think it was a good idea he scheduled training that day and can not take off. Lois goes on to explain Lexie wants to have dinner with her. Lois doesn't mention changing dinner plans with Superman so Superman doesn't say anything. Lois goes on to another subject and nothing else is said.

Fast forward 6 hours. Lois calls while we were on the way to dinner. I start to cover my head because I assume the other shoe is about to fall. Lois says this statement. This is all too hard. I believe I hear Superman's heart breaking. He goes on to ask who this is hard on. She replies it is just too hard for everyone. Superman tells her he doesn't want to make anything harder for her and she can make her own decisions and we will support her. What she says next shocked both of us.

Can I move in tomorrow night? Let me repeat this. She said, Can I move in tomorrow night?

Superman quickly agreed as soon as he could chin off the floor. Lois wouldn't go into a lot of details. She just kept repeating it's just too hard and everyone came to a decision this would be best. Yeah right. Lois made a decision and did not cave under her mother's pressure which probably led to this. She is basically being told to leave.

About 3 hours later, Lois calls and tells us Lexie doesn't want us to waste gas by coming to help her move so Lois's friends have decided to help her. Now this is the woman who wanted us to let Lois take our car during our visitation to drive to her house 15 miles away so Lois could water her plants. Did I mention it was raining at the time? Waste gas, my ass. She doesn't want to see Superman.

So as of 6pm tonight Lois will be at our house with all her worldly possessions. I am very proud she was able to make a decision and stick to it. Not because it makes Superman happy (although that is a definite bonus for me) but because she weighed her options and decided this was the best choice for her. Maybe she is growing up?

Almost Official

Lois called Superman and told him she has decided to move in October 2. She said Lexie and Luther approached her and directly asked her what her plans were following her birthday. She told them she was going to move in with us. According to Lois, they really didn't say anything. They are allowing her to take all her clothes, a dresser, and her bedroom comforter set. It actually is a lot more than I expected.

My cynical side thinks they are allowing her to go because they will no longer receive child support for her anymore since she isn't in school and she will be 18 in a week. Lexie already tried to enroll her in school in July after homeschooling her for several years. I think in an attempt to extend child support on her. But we will never be sure of her real motives.

This will be the second child leaving their house when they weren't getting along. Luther's oldest daughter was forced to go back to her mother's house. Lexie was telling people "we sent her back to her mother." I understand having problems in the house but it seems those problems are not such a big deal until they turn 18. We have offered to take Lois during some stressful times at Lexie's house for a short period of time to allow everyone to cool off. She wouldn't think of it.

She has tried to guilt Lois in the past to stay. She would stand her in front of her siblings and asked her to explain to them why she was abandoning them. Now she has an sudden change of heart and she has no problem letting her go. Crazy.

On a positive note Clark will have time with his sister that he has never had before. Kent will hopefully get to know his oldest sibling before she leaves the house. I have always wondered what kind of relationship those two will have because of the age difference. Will they be like siblings or more like the distant relative you talk to only on holidays and birthdays? Of course Superman will have time with his daughter. He has missed her so much and regrets a lot of the decisions he made when he was younger. He feels this may be his chance to make up for lost time.

Who knows maybe she and I will develop a deeper relationship? Fingers are crossed and prayers are being said.

Moving In?

Superman and I had our sit down with Lois. We told her everything that was expected of her if she were to decide to move in with us. We tried to be fair without being doormats. I think we reached a good balance. This is all too new for me still. I don't have 18 years experience of being a parent. I never got the slow and steady transition. All I got was driving, dating, and now her becoming an adult.

We decided she did not have to ask permission to go out but the door locks at 10:30 during the week and if she isn't home by then she will need to make other arrangements. It's extended to midnight on weekends. She is responsible for the expenses she brings into the house. We will no longer be doing her laundry or keeping the bedroom clean. If she wants anything special she'll need to buy it. We are only asking for the difference in utilities, insurance and small amount per week for food, etc. Our house will not be a storage building. If she is not home for extended periods of time she will forced to make a decision.

We want her to use this time living with us to learn how to manage her money. That's why she is required to have her "bills" paid to us on a specific date. If she fails to act like an adult and have her bills paid she will no longer be treated like an adult. If she decides to attend college full time the arrangement will be reevaluated.

I tried to express my concerns to Superman. He is so excited about Lois possibly moving in. I just don't want him to be blinded and no stick to the rules we have created. I told him if Lois starts breaking the rules or becomes a disruption to the boys then he will need to do what's necessary. I told him specifically not to tell me I don't understand if an issues ever comes up. I know I don't understand not having your child with you but he wouldn't be doing her any good if he allows her to walk all over us.

I hope this works out for Superman's sake. She is supposed to tell us a definite answer this week. All I asked from her specifically is that she approach her mother as an adult. She is not to blurt out she is moving in a fit of anger or in the heat of the moment. If she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to start acting like one with her first decision.

Close To Home

I'm having a bad day. My job has gotten me down. I work for a child support enforcement agency which is about like saying I work for the devil or the IRS. I tend to tell strangers and acquaintances I work for the State in collections. Most people pay child support or knows somebody does and nobody likes the system.
Most days I enjoy my job. I get money for custodial parents who need it and help non custodial parents keep the system fair. I can understand both sides of the child support coin.

Today I am having a hard time remembering why I do this. I have both parties calling complaining and bitching expressing their opinions about what they deserve. It's either not enough, too much or the other doesn't deserve it. I get it. You don't like the other person and you haven't gotten over whatever led you to being apart. Please don't spew the hate on me.

Our own child support modification hearing is fast approaching. I know how the system works which has helped but Superman is not willing to take my advise. I deal with this everyday. I can figure out how much he is supposed to pay with one hand tied behind my back and a broken calculator.

He went as far as to ask an attorney how to fill out the initial paperwork. The same paperwork I help parents fill out every day. That hurt my feelings. He would be offended if I didn't take his word for something having to do with his job but since I don't charge $200 per hour I must not know what I'm doing?

Facebook Friends Obsessions

Like most people I have a Facebook. I don't use mine to network or keep in touch with acquaintances from preschool. I use mine as another way of staying close to family and friends. A one-stop shop for pictures, videos and quick updates. I am very particular who I allow to be my friend.

While browsing my family and friends updates and such, I notice my sister-in-law has a new friend who commented on her status. IT'S KRYPTO!!! What the hell? They hate each other. I can't help myself. I start looking some more. Superman's niece and Kent's Godmother are also her friends now.

This really wouldn't be such a problem if any of these people liked her. They all know the turmoil she has caused and all were there when she stole from Superman while he was recovering from brain surgery. I am hurt. I instantly feel somehow this is a stab at me. Am I really liked by these people or would they rather have Krypto back? Surely not.

On a separate issue I know Superman's niece has pictures of Kent on her Facebook and now Krypto has access to those. Normally this isn't that big of a deal however there is a very concerning back story.

About 2 months after Kent was born we took him to see his other Aunt and Niece. They both have stayed in very close contact with Krypto. Because of this we limit the time we spend with them because they report everything to her. We know this but we still want them to meet their newest nephew/cousin. Unfortunately the Niece was not home when we went by. In the next couple of days we send a photo to her phone of Kent because she desperately wanted to see him. No big deal.

Fast forward one month. While changing Kent, Clark makes a simple unprompted statement. "My mom has a picture of Kent on her phone." My first thought is, of course, what is that crazy bitch doing with a picture of my son???. Superman calmly responds, "Really, where did she get that?" Clark not realizing anything out of the ordinary replies "My Cousin". Steam shoots from my ears.

What kind of person carries a picture of her ex-husband's new child around on her phone??? She doesn't even like me or the thought of Superman having another child. She is seriously disturbed. Superman approaches his Niece later and asks why she gave a picture of Kent to Krypto. She denies she did it but Kryto did have her phone and was looking through it. She was told no more pictures would be given to her or her mother.

Now back to the Facebook dilemma. When the sister-in-law and Niece come over for dinner Niece actually brings up the subject. Superman asks her why she did it. She is concerned by our reaction but admits it was for a business opportunity she has with Krypto that she already asked us about. She wanted to make sure we didn't feel like it was a conflict of interest. We told her back then if she could make money off her then she could do anything she wanted with our blessing. We told her the story regarding the phone pictures and she offered to take Kent's pictures off her site.

My sister-in-law denies she is on her friends lists but after logging in she finds it to be true. She continuously goes on and on about how much she doesn't like the woman. But I think she is protesting too much. I think we have another person on our hands who is obsessed with her friend count and is willing to add her just to increase her number.

So the pictures have been removed from Krypto's access and hopefullly no damage has been done.

Huge F&%@*$& Balls

I was sitting at my desk at work when my phone goes off. It was a text from Superman.

I just found out that Luther called my job trying to get

me in trouble for the two checks from insurance.

My first reaction is I'm going to hurt that bastard complete outrage. How dare he try to call Superman's work to get him in trouble. Superman received an email this previous weekend requesting we research some insurance payments that were possibly made to us instead of the provider. Superman sent a response on Wednesday letting Lexie know it had been researched and we did in fact receive the checks. He let her know it would be paid to her in the next month. No big deal right? Apparently not.

Superman's job could have been in jeopardy had they believed he used his influence of his position to keep the money. Thank goodness Luther was told Superman has not done anything that constitutes their involvement. He was also told he did not have a right to file a complaint because the matters involved do not concern him. If a complaint needed to be filed Lexie needed to make contact in person.

After doing more research my husband found out this actually happened several months ago. He was never told of it by his supervisors because it was a considered a frivolous complaint by an angry ex-wife.

So I ask why did it take her several months to inform us of the error? If she wanted her share why didn't she just ask instead of going to his employer? If she didn't want to address it with Superman why not wait until court to bring it up? Does this crazy bitch Lexie understand if he loses his job the child support she has gotten so accustomed to receiving every two weeks for the last 12 years would stop??? What the F&@!?

A Step Back

Superman and I had a heated lively discussion on Tuesday night. We are currently in court proceedings with Lexie. She has decided she wants an increase in child support. She brought it up last year and Superman was willing to sign for the increase without any fuss. No court, no attorneys. On one stipulation. She must agree to increase the visitation time to the new standards in our state. He would get an additional night during the week and an extra week during the summer. We thought the request was fair. She did not.

Fast forward to May 2009. Superman gets served in the driveway with Lois and Lane standing next to him. Good times. We haven't gotten an attorney yet and hopefully don't need to. We both have enough experience with the legal system we have filed everything ourselves. We don't expect the child support to change much. Lois is emancipating so the support will only be for one child instead of two.

In the past I kept up with all the everyday tasks that needed to be done in relation to Lexie and Krypto. I emailed all the insurance documents, school papers, kept up with the exchange and payment of all medical bills, not to mention keeping a daily log book of all dealings with Krypto. Since Kent has been born I have slacked on it. unfortunately I don't feel Superman has picked up that slack. Things are starting to slowly get behind. Medical bills aren't getting reimbursed on time, receipts not being provided, and EOBs are not getting to the other sides.

With court fast approaching I feel everything needs to be in order. I tried to explain to Superman that I felt I had to be waist deep in this mess or things would fall apart. I had told him last year I needed to take a step back, to focus on my pregnancy and just take a break. This hasn't happened yet.

Superman will be the first to admit he has the memory of a goldfish.

Swim. Swim. Swim. Look a Castle. Swim.Swim. Swim.

Look a Castle! Swim. Swim. Swim. Wow! Is that a Castle?

Krypto knows this. Lexie knows this. I know this. The kids know this. Everyone knows I am the organized one. It annoys Krypto to no end that I am the one who sends her the things she needs. When she asks Superman if he got the email about Clark's dentist appointment or whatever the case may be, he tends to make the same reply. Whether or not he's seen it. I don't know. I'll have to look. This annoys me to no end because he does it to annoy her. I feel Krypto thinks I am hiding things from him. I, of course, express this to Superman. He proceeds to tell me that this is not always about me and he's sure they don't even think that.
The numerous emails from Krypto accusing me of this very thing point to a major flaw in his argument. I need a break from this. I did not ask to be his divorce and custody secretary. I want to help but not feel it is my responsiblity. I'm a little annoyed with the entire situation right now. I have the responsibilities of being their mother but none of the rights. I don't have a say what happens in the court room but it will directly affect my family. I don't have a right to defend myself against the lies and innuendos that are tossed around about me.

*********************

Lord, Please give me patience.

And when my patience fails me,
please give me the strength to bury the bodies.

Amen

Did Somebody Push Rewind

Lois is about to turn 18 years old. Superman is trying to deal with his oldest daughter becoming an adult, mainly by making plans to drink himself silly on the day of her birth. He has already informed her, the birthday money which in years past has gone to buy her a present will be going towards the purchasing of his alcohol.

Lois approached Superman a couple of weeks ago asking if she could move in with us once she turns 18. We had just gotten married when she asked to move in the first time. We decided she needed to confront her mother before we took the steps to have custody changed. By the end of the summer, Lois admitted she was using Superman in an attempt to get back at her mother. Superman was hurt and devastated.

I think this was the first time I felt betrayed by her and I admit it did damage our relationship. I don't think I fully recovered. I still don't trust her completely and I think she manipulates her family to get what she wants. I know she is a good person I just hope she realizes her mistakes before its too late.

The following summer she used the same technique only against us. She was mad at us so she told her mother our house stressed her out and she didn't want to come. Of course,Lexie did not return the courtesy. She allowed Lois to stay away inspite of the court order. Once again Superman was the injured party.

Lois is currently on lock down at both houses. In recent years she has become very manipulative, dishonest, and moody. More recently it all came to a head when she was confronted with direct evidence of her lies. She admitted to Superman several things which completely devastated him and he is still trying to deal with. In a moment of bad judgement Lois decided to post on facebook her conversation with her father. Unfortunately Lexie was also online spot checking her facebook.

This resulted in Lois once again asking to move with us. At the time Lois was not yet 18 and we decided it was best if Lois understood her decisions have consequences and our house was not to be used to hide from difficult situations.

As her birthday fast approaches we have come to a decision to let her move in. My hesitation comes from past experiences but my agreement comes from the hope Superman will have much wanted time with his daughter.

I do not know what is going to come but I know Lexie is going to want to kill Superman not going to be happy. She will see this as a betrayal and will do everything in her power to change her mind. I do not know if Superman will have the strength to enforce the agreement we will have with Lois. I can not allow her behavior to affect Clark or Kent. They deserve a stable enviroment.

A Real Mommy?

Kent is turning 6 months old tomorrow. Superman has asked me several times since he was born if I felt like a "real" mommy now. I don't know if Kent being born was supposed to somehow bestow upon me an overwhelming sense of motherhood that was lacking prior to his birth or a profound knowledge that come only with giving birth to a child. To be honest, I don't' feel like a "real" mommy. I don't feel different at all.

I admit I do have different feelings for Kent. But I have different feelings about all the kids. I don't think admitting that makes me a bad pretend mommy or a better real mommy. I think I can admit I have a connection with Kent that I will never be able to have with Lois, Lane, or Clark. But we also share something Kent will never experience. My relationship is different with everyone. Not better. Not worse. Just different and that's ok.

My perception of my standing in the family and with Lexie and Krypto has changed. I always felt somewhat on the outside. My only real connection to the family was Superman. I had a relationship with all the kids but somehow always felt I could easily be taken out of the equation. I was tied to this family but not bound.
With Kent's birth I now feel that my connection is stronger. A bond has been found that can not be broken and is tangible. I am somebody's mother and my opinion does matter. My opinion matters because my child is a part of this household and I do have a right to changes things that effect him.

The hurtful phrases no longer can be used to make me feel like I am somehow lacking.

If you were a mother you would understand.

You don't know what you are talking about because you don't have kids.

I am a real mommy and yes, a pretend mommy. Maybe one day I will be just mommy.