The Discussion

We sat down with Lois last night. My stomach was tied in knots and I was repeating in my head over and over again. Stay calm. Come from a place of love not accusations. This is not a battle. It seemed to work. I kept unneeded comments to myself and tried interject when I felt strongly.

Superman asked her what her plans were. She began by saying very general things without any thought to time frames. I'm gonna get a better job and try to work in a daycare. Superman then told her the original agreement with us still stood. She is still required to pay the expenses attributed to her. She then told us she was moving in with her mother.

I was kind of shocked. I thought she would down the line once she realized this wasn't going to be a free ride and she couldn't play the "I'm pregnant" card at our house. She had already made plans to move her stuff out. I was also kind of upset because she failed to at least mention the idea to us before making all these plans.

Most of our discussion with her was not even said. There was no need to lecture her about taking responsibility now. If her mother is willing to support her then Superman would just look like the bad guy. He did however tell her to think about her decision. She is always welcome in our home but it does not have a revolving door. She can't ask to come back in a couple months when she doesn't like the setup at the other house.

I hope everything works out. I really do for everyone sake. But I do think Superman will be able to recover from all this without her being in the house and being confronted by it everyday. I want him to be able to have the relationship with his daughter restored at least mended.

I am however feeling very very guilty. I felt a wave of relief when she said she was moving out. I know I shouldn't and I will never share this with Superman. I feel like I'm about to get my home back. I will no longer be on edge when she is home. I won't have to worry if she brought her boyfriend to the house while we are at work. I won't have to worry about what other decisions could do to us financially or emotionally.

I don't like feeling I have to protect myself and my family from her. I don't know if this tumultuous relationship between her and I will ever improve. I hold her responsible for what she has done to Superman the last few years. I can't let it go. How do you forgive someone who hurt someone you love more than anyone in the world when they show no remorse?

This quote has been going through my head.

Forgiveness is giving up on the hope that things could have been different.

Maybe with time.

On our path

We were sitting in the parking lot of Walmart, discussing if we were going to have more kids. It felt safer than discussing it at home. Most of our important conversations lately have been in the car. I think it takes the pressure off. He doesn't have to look at me and I have to remain controlled or he could swerve into a ditch.

We had decided before the bomb was dropped we were going to have one more. We were going to be done before he turned 41. He didn't want anymore after that. I was ok with that. But then the news of his oldest daughter having a child changed everything in our universe. Was second child even up for discussion anymore? Did he want his wife and daughter pregnant at the same time? All valid questions and concerns.

He told Lois in their discussion we were on path and we weren't going to deviate from it but that didn't reassure me until he said the words. So that is why we ultimately ended up in the parking lot of Walmart. I asked if I needed to buy the fertility monitor test sticks we had to use the last time to get pregnant.

We discussed it. Rationally. I didn't cry. He didn't try to postpone the discussion. We discussed it like two mature adults. He told me the thought crossed his mind about not having anymore but he didn't want his daughter's decision effecting his marriage or his plans with me. I told him if we didn't have anymore now I would forever hold her responsible. I didn't say it negatively (somehow) and he understood my point of view.

I think we decided to start trying after the new year. Even after all the talking he wouldn't say he wanted another child. I believe him when he says he doesn't want to stray from our path we planned but a part of me thinks he is not 100% behind the plan still.

Things between us are still up and down. We talked on Christmas eve after we played Santa for the kids. We laid on the floor in front of the lit Christmas tree and laid everything out. I tried to explain where I was coming from. I tried to explain the loss of control over my house and son's future. I tried to explain how little control I have and to lose what little control I have is going to drive me to the edge. I apologized for making him choose me over his daughter. I told him where I stood and my feelings for the last week.

He explained his anger over the situation. He explained his frustration with his daughter. He explained his fear for his daughter and for the other kids. He apologized for not understanding how this affects me. But mostly he told me our marriage was important and something he is willing to fight for. He told me he loved me and would do everything in his power to get thru this together.

We set rules of for discussing things so we don't fight unfairly. I feel better but I know there is still a lot of work ahead. But every morning I will get up and will try another day because that's what I promised I would do and I can't imagine getting up and not having that man beside me.

The Line

I left last night. Superman and I had been bickering most of the day on the phone and thru text. Lois went to the doctor today and Superman passed the information along to me. It didn't add up. The due date didn't match the number of weeks she was.

I wanted to know why and Superman was upset because I always think she's lying. That's mainly because I always think she's lying. Superman is willing to look over a lot. I'm not able to do that. So we fight. We each stand in our corners, waiting to see what the other person is going to do. Protecting ourselves but not willing to throw the first punch.

So in the middle of dinner, trying to feed Kent, and attempting to fix the computer/iPod issues he asks me a question and I simply tell him I can't do it all. He responds "You can't answer a question?" That was the proverbial straw.

I calmly got up, put Kent's bowl down and said I have to leave. I grabbed my purse and walked out. I drove and cried. I called my friend and cried to her. Not once did Superman attempt to call. While talking to my friend the realization of what I was asking of him hit me.

I am asking him to pick me over his daughter. I want to be the one he chooses. And I'm afraid of what his choice would be. I want this man so badly and can't imagine my life without him in it. The natural order of things would be the child always wins. And my heart is breaking.

I came to realize it is not about his choice. It's about mine. I need to know where my line is and what my terms are. If my needs are not being met and the situation violates the conditions I set then ultimately the decision is mine. I can not ask him to choose me over his daughter. He needs to find his own line. His own path. I can not sacrifice who I am to be with this man. No matter how much I would want to. I will not play the role as martyr because that will be just as destructive.

My decision made I went back home. We did not speak. We went to bed. I cried myself to sleep. I can not lose this man but what will this cost me?

Fraud

Superman had a short conversation with Lois. She approached him and he didn't want to cut her off. He was being very upfront with her and told her how he felt. He told her he wasn't happy about the situation. He asked her questions that she hadn't thought about yet.

Who is going to watch the baby while she works?
How much is Mr. Wonderful going to be involved?
How is she going to pay for it?

He told me when he was asking her questions she kept saying. "You sound like I ruined everyone's lives." He explained to her she didn't understand what an impact this decision will have on her life and everyone else's. He told her we (Superman and I) have path we have decided to go down and plans have been made. We are not going to alter our plans because of her decisions. She is an adult and it is her responsibility to deal with the consequences.

By the conversation I think she was expecting us to be happy about it just like her mom.

We also learned one more piece of interesting information. Lois was asking about how much the insurance would cover and how much she would have to pay when she told Superman Lexie had signed the kids up for the state medicaid program while she was still living there. Lexie gave her the card the last time she was over there.

Superman has provided insurance on the girls for the last 15 years. Not just insurance. Great insurance. This is the best policy I have ever seen. We even have dental rollover dollars! (That's at least amazing to me.) So why the fuck is Lexie signing the girls up? Not to mention she has been on it for over a year and never mentioned it to Superman. And here's the best part. She asked to be reimbursed for medical expenses that we now know that state has picked up. That conniving little bitch.

With my job I know how the program works. Lois is not able to use the medicaid ID number for her mother's case unless she is living there. Her mother had 5 days to report the change. Income and household size determine eligibility. If she failed to report it, anything filed after would be considered medicaid fraud.

We have to tell Lois she either uses the cards and moves back in with her mother or she opens her own case. Either way in 5 days if something is not done I am reporting the fraud. My job and my husband's job could be in jeopardy if it looks like we knew and did nothing.

PI Wanted

If I ever wanted to be a private investigator, the events of today should clearly show why I am never going to make millions spying on people.

I got on my facebook and notice Lois posted she had gone home early from work. I was upset. She was fine this morning. Not to mention I went to work everyday and was sick at work everyday for 6 months. I had bills to pay and so does she.

I went to the online phone account and check her texts for the past few hours. Currently she has 22000 for this month. That is not a typo. So you can definately tell when she is at work, in the shower or even sleeping.

What do you know? Not a single break. I am pissed.

Staring at me in the face is an ad for GPS locate. It advertises you can know where your kids are and have peace of mind. Track your kids with their cell phone. Well. I could use some of that.

I sign up. On the wrong telephone number.

Guess who gets a text about it? It gives her a password and the website to start tracking. Wait for it. Me.

Ok. It could be worse. It somewhat looks like a promotional text. Maybe she won't notice. I immediately cancel it on her phone, add it to mine and then go to the website and register. Now we are tracking. And low and behold she is not at our house. She's at her mother's.

But wait my utter failure as a PI is not yet complete.

Lois sends me a text. What is family tracking? Oh shit. She sends another. I just got another one that you are tracking me??? Oh fuck! The only thing that is working today is my quick thinking. I let her know I got a similar text and I am already online looking at the account. Which is entirely true. I go on for about the next hour back and forth with her. Asking all kinds of stupid but official sounding questions. Then I had to call Superman and tell him what I had done and ask him to help make this seem even more official. I explained what I had done and asked him to contact Lois and ask why she was tracking his phone. Which is entirely false. By this time I had cancelled the account on Lois and began one on myself so now I can have the text from the wireless company. Then I have to cancel that.

It wasn't worth all the hassle and drama just to find out where she was at one time. I was on pins and needles not knowing if she believed me. When I got home she kept going on about how she thinks Mr. Wonderful did something to the account so he would know where she was. Ok. I admit I was wrong for not correcting her but at least I gave her the impression to hack into someone's account is not something anyone can do.

I have learned my lesson.

But seriously what kind of genius sells a product to track your kids but then notifies your kids they are being tracked with their cell phone? Hello! Big red truck!!! (If you don't know what that means I be glad to fill you in on a little southern humor)

On Purpose

I think she planned this pregnancy. She is not reacting at all like I thought she would. She is not acting sad or depressed as a matter of fact she seems excited and happy.

And that is making this more difficult for me to deal with.

That and she asked to wear some of my maternity clothes. After her mother bought her some freaking maternity clothes and baby gifts.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I think she thought her boyfriend and her would live happily ever after.

Here is the background on Mr. Wonderful. He just had a baby with his last girlfriend. On Monday. He is a senior in high school. And he almost 20.

She can pick a winner.

I am trying to let go of my anger but I can't get over it right now. I have to admit this is bringing back painful memories from my own youth. Only a handful of people on the planet know about it but I too had to deal with an unplanned pregnancy at almost her age. I am still dealing with my decision.

I am angry she might have made this decision expecting our complete financial support.

We have decided to take most of her Christmas gifts back to help offsets some of the expenses she has caused us so the other kids don't suffer.

I still have yet to make eye contact with her.

A Strange Thing Happened

A major concern I had with news of the pregnancy was how it would effect my relationship with my husband. I know he has a deep love for his children and I'm sure after some time healing it would extend to any grandchildren. He is willing to do just about anything for them even at his own personal happiness.

I had my doubts if we were going to be able to agree on what we were willing to do and not able to. I fully expected this to pull us apart. I imagined that day as the specific day my marriage began to unravel. I was heartbroken.

We have been fighting more recently than ever before. Between lack of sleep taking care of Kent, Lois moving in, court, not to mention everyday life of a blended family, we had begun to take it out on each other. Not bad fights. Just little skirmishes. No one wins but both are hurt.

Amid all the turmoil, chaos and hurt feelings in the house we have found each other again. The last few days instead of driving us apart we have remembered the other is our rock during hard times.

We have talked and decided things about our future. I have no doubt disagreements are inevitable but I have a renewed since of confidence in my marriage. We are strong enough to endure whatever comes.

Too Much

I never thought I would be writing this. I am overwhelmed and so is Superman.

Lois told Superman she is pregnant. By text message. Her boyfriend has now left her and that's about all we know.

How do you come to terms with something like this. She has no idea what her choices have done to her life and our family.

Why can't I stop thinking about how this effects me? I didn't say anything to Superman because I know this is not the time.

This is the first time as a stepmother I have felt this way towards her. I don't want her actions to hurt me. I don't want to raise her child or my resources to go to the situation of her own making. And I feel so guilty about that.

Dear god. How are we going to get thru this?

But I can't be angry

Superman got a call from Lois tonight.

"hey dad, just wanted to let you know I hit a curb but no damage."

Now keep in mind this is our car that we have been letting her use. It is paid for and it only has liability insurance. Ironically just today we had a conversation about how she doesn't appreciate what we have be doing for her since she moved in. She asked to keep the car all night and was upset when she was told it had to be home by her curfew. She wanted to know why and she was immediately told because it wasn't hers.

Then Superman gets a second phone call.

"Hey dad. The car is leaking. I think it is oil and I'm going to stop and get some."
"You need to come home right now."
"But I have to take dirt bag boyfriend home first"
"I don't think you understand what is going on. He needs to find a ride. He can sit in the garage while he waits."

Third call.

"Dad. The car won't move at all"

Superman talks to her for a little while and goes to go pick her up and have the car towed. As of right now I'm not believing the story we are getting.

We don't have the money to replace the car not to
mention have it worked on. So now we are out of our second vehicle that my husband depends on to do everything outside of work. Thank god he has a vehicle to use on company time but he can't have passengers so of course. I'll be doing it all. By my self.

I am furious but I apparently don't get to be mad. I don't get to say how this effects me. I am mad at both of them. Her for being irresponsible with property that is not hers. And him for letting her have it when we depend on that car and knowing she couldn't afford to repair or replace it.

I want to return her presents to help pay for the damages. And make her walk to work bit I probably can't get both of those without really seeming like the bitch. I'm sure I'll calm down to only slightly angry within the next few days, ok maybe weeks ok maybe months. Ok definately in the next year.

Do stupid people know they are?

This is the email we got today. Word for word.

Superman,
Yesterday Tuesday Dec. 1st when I was at your house you made a comment that Clark's Dr. Appointment had been changed from Dec. X at 3:45pm to this Friday Dec. Xth at 4:00pm, I was just wondering when you were planning on informing me of this change in date and time...after it was over....due to the fact that this appointment is during my visitation and for all you know I could have gotten off of work early to pick him up right at 3:00...
I would appreciate it from now on that if you go and make an appointment or change an appointment then you notify me the same day it was made or changed..I have done this with you for every appointment I have made for Clark and the ones that I have had to change or the Dr. has changed. This is just common courtesy.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you know of any reason as to why this can not be done.

Crazy Krypto

Well let me see. I think he planned to mention it to you when you were at our house and he mentioned it to you. This appointment originally had to be rescheduled because she had the original appointment cancelled.

And yea she has told him about the appointments she makes. Of course the last three she has provided the wrong time and the one before that she scheduled to have a tooth capped on my birthday during our visitation week.

God must love stupid people because he made so many of them.

Surviving the holidays

This year the kids were with their mothers. It didn't feel like Thanksgiving. I feel bad that it was Kent's first and I didn't go all out. My sister-in-law and her son came over but it was missing a very important element to make it a true holiday...the rest of our family.

After everything was said and done we both decided we will be traveling in future years when we don't have all the kids. We can make our own traditions with Kent. Maybe see my sister or his brother who we never see because of the distance and the time contraints placed on us by visitation schedules.

This year we have all the kids for Christmas morning which I can't wait for. Hopefully the Christmas spirit will hit me soon.

Giving thanks

If you were to read this blog you would assume I was not happy with my situation and on the verge of running away to a desserted island. That is far from the truth.... 99% of the time.

I do have a lot to be thankful for

1. I have a roof over my head, and job to go to.
2. A husband who loves me not despite my flaws but because of them.
3. Three wonderful stepkids who have taught me restraint, compassion, and patience.
4. An amazing little boy I get to call my own. The wonders of motherhood cannot be matched.
5. Extended family who support us in our quest to strengthen our pieced together family.

Without the trials and tribulations of the last 4 years I don't think I would understand the true value of those things. And for that I am most thankful for.

Learning to trust

A couple of weeks ago we began to suspect Lois was having her boyfriend over while we weren't home. This was the only rule that I felt very strongly about. I want to have total control over who is in my house.

Superman told me he had found oil stains on our driveway. He said he's been watching and her boyfriend's car is leaking oil. The spots are in the middle of the driveway and Superman parks his car on the right side so for those marks to be there he couldn't have been home.

There is also the matter of the mysterious coke can. When she was home sick for a few days a can of coke appeared in the kitchen. We did not buy it and she didn't go anywhere. So how did it appear on the house?

I had been on Superman to sit her down and talk to her. It had been over a week and still nothing. Finally I had it. I told him very directly that I may not be able to control what happens to the kids, be able to control crazy exwives or even defend myself when I have been talked bad about but as god as my witness I will control what happens in my own fucking house.

Now maybe the language wasn't needed and I know my tone could have been better but it made my point. He called Lois and told her to make some time to talk.

She denied it all. I don't believe her. He does. He is trained to detect deception. I think he's blind with regards to his daughter.

Should I setup a camera or just let it be? She now knows we are looking so will she just improve her techniques or will she stop. I need to learn to trust but she has burned me too many times.

Recharge

Superman and I had a date on Wednesday night. It was the first time in four years we went and had the kids stay with someone. In the past we always would wait and go out on the weeks Clark was with Krypto. I arranged the whole thing and I think Superman was a little surprised We had a good time. There has been a lot going on with Lois and it has put me on edge.

Sometimes it's nice to have those quiet times to remind you why you put up with everything else.

On Friday Lane confirmed Lexie had lost the baby. This is the second one in 9 months. Having one miscarriage nearly killed me. I don't if they have plans to continue trying. I hope with the support of her family she is able to make it through this difficult time.

Would it be inappropriate to send an email to her expressing my condolences?

Two weeks ago I got my haircut. The hairdresser was new and I was pleasantly surprised that she also had curly hair. I assume if she can fix her own hair then I think she should be able to manage my own curly mop. It began like an other appointment. A few questions about what I wanted done, what my hair was like, etc. She began cutting and then apparently she felt we had some magical bond or she had verbal diarrhea not hampered by any professionalism standards.


She began to tell me about her ex and his new girlfriend. How much she hated him and how he did not support the kids. He refused to see the kids at her house and he insisted he be able to have them overnight. She went on to comment on the girlfriend. Explaining to me, her kids were not going to have a new mom. This went on and on. Forever.


If I closed my eyes I could have sworn my hair was being cut by Krypto.


My family shows up towards the end and she notices them in the background. She asks me how old all the kids are. I quickly give ages and wish I could sneak out of the chair. She asks if they are all mine. I respond, "Yes they are all mine but I do share them with their mother." She asks if I get along with their mother and I tell her it's a work in progress like everything else.


I was relieved to get out of the salon. Even my time to relax gets interrupted.

Back from the Brink

Once again sickness has kept me out. However this time it was not for me. Kent was diagnosed with H1N1. He is only 8 months old and I have never been so scared. On Tuesday, Lois called Superman after her doctor's appointment. She told him the doctor confirmed she had the flu and most likely H1N1. Superman then called me. Of course, my first reaction is fear. You can't turn on the news without hearing about another death and how horrible it is for young children to get. I ask a million questions and none of the answers made me feel better. When was she contagious? How long until someone else develops symptoms?


Lois was contagious and without symptoms during our family pictures on Sunday. Great, the one day we are all trapped in a vehicle going to the location to have family pictures made. The only thing that was better than that was she was sitting next to Kent the entire way. I immediately call his pediatrician and her nurse describes the symptoms we should be looking for. Kent has really bad allergies and has all the symptoms all the time. We decide to play it safe and make an appointment for the Wednesday.

On Tuesday Superman made sure Lexie was notified since she is pregnant and Lane could have carried it back to their house after the weekend with us. Superman then called Krypto. We were expecting a blowup. Clark had shown no signs up to this point and the doctor advised to keep him home if symptoms developed. At his age, she felt he would recover on his own. Krypto didn't even blink an eye. She did not express anything. It was like she was being told the weather report. No big deal.

Wednesday comes and Kent is running a fever and is fussy. The doctor confirms he does have the flu and since he has already received his seasonal flu shot more than likely it is H1N1. My heart drops. Worst case scenarios are running through my head. Oh my god, not my child. He was put on Tamiflu and we all hoped for the best.

When Krypto called on Thursday to check on Clark she was told Kent had contracted it. Apparently this caused her concern and it sounded like she didn't want to have Clark come to her house if he might have it. He told her of the symptoms he should be having and the symptoms should appear before Monday if he was going to get it.

By the weekend Kent was doing better and besides being cranky and unable to sleep it wasn't too bad. Saturday we were even able to attend Lane's choir concert. Crisis averted.

Perspective

I don't like what I have become. I don't like what I have let myself be turned into. So I am trying to change. To get back to the person I used to be before I allowed my current situation get the best of me.

I believe my husband fell in love with a strong, happy, fun-loving woman who was able to show compassion. I no longer am that person on a daily basis. I am too focused on the scorecards. I feel like my life consists of keeping track of the wrongs that have been done to me, Superman, and the kids. I focus on the details, squabbles, and how unfair the situation is to me instead of the children that are right in front of me.

I am in a rut and my pity party is coming to an end.

I was reading Amour Fati Love Your Fate when I realized how selfish I was being and how I had to change my perspective. She reminded me of something very important in her post.

Really, so much of making a stepfamily work is all about the marriage. The further my husband and I journey together on this path, the more and more I believe this. And furthermore, its about finding ways to make it easier for both of us. It has it's challenges both ways.

As much as I have days when I feel that its an impossible journey, I look at my son, and I know that every night, I get to tuck him in and he goes to sleep in our house. My husband doesn't have that peace with his 2 older sons. Half the time, his boys are sleeping somewhere else. Experiencing another part of their life somewhere else. And when I imagine for one split second what that must feel like, I become convinced that stepmothering is a breeze compared to what it must feel like for him.

In many ways Superman will never understand where I come from and I hopefully will never understand the difficulties of having your child away from you. It is also difficult for Lexie and Krypto. I need to remember that when they react out of anger. To hand over your child to someone you did not choose must be difficult. I cannot expect compassion or understanding if I am unwilling to show it.

Tonight when I kiss my son goodnight I will not take it for granted.

It's Over

Finally. After 6 months of anxiety and not knowing what was going to happen. The cloud hanging over us is finally gone. The mediation came and now it is complete. Everyone signed on the dotted line.

And what did she accomplish? She managed to get less than $600 more a year and Superman now gets to see his daughter an additional night a week plus an additional week in the summer.

At least it worked out for us.

• Superman was able to call me on breaks. Apparently Luther showed up thinking he would be allowed in. Superman advised him he was not a party to the mediation and he was not going to be included. Lexie was not happy.
• Lexie then told Superman she was on the verge of firing her attorney because she refused to return her calls and agreed to mediation without consulting her. Lexie was not happy.
• Superman allowed the mediator to see his financials but refused to let Lexie since she did not file hers with the court as required. Lexie was not happy.
• Superman's overtime from last year would not be considered since he is not currently receiving any. Lexie was not happy.
• The child support increase would take into effect from May 2009. The arrears barely cover what she paid the attorney to start the case. Lexie was not happy.
• Lexie wanted to back support to be paid in 3 months. Superman has 43 months to pay it off according to the law. Lexie is not happy.

There is an increase in child support and yes, we will have to make extra payments to pay off the back support but at least it's fair. He is paying what he is supposed to be and we no longer have to live in fear of when she might request an increase. We can enforce the visitation order and not have in the back of our minds if she will ask for an increase out of retaliation.

It's over.

Deep breathe. Exhale. So why do I feel like crying?

Waiting

Superman is at mediation this morning with Lexie. The court date is postponed until the results of this meeting is over. So now I am reduced to waiting and watching my phone for the slightest movement that could be mistaken for a vibration. Last night we spent several hours going over everything we felt he should cover. We decided on what he could compromise on and what was not negotiable. I know he will do fine and what he feels is best.

I'm not good at waiting. Patience may be a virtue but why can't obsessive anxiety be one too?

Change of Plans

Apparently the plans for Superman and Lexie to meet with their attorneys is not an option anymore. Her attorney couldn't find the time. So our attorney called the judge and got an order for mediation. This is what we were going for anyways. We still don't know if Lexie agreed to it or if she is being forced to go.

Hopefully come Monday this little drama will be behind us.

On a different note, we went to parent teacher conferences last night. Krypto has a different time scheduled. Every year we ask the teacher if she is willing to meet with us separately because Krypto doesn't want me going. The teacher has no problem accommodating us. During kindergarten Krypto tried to convince Superman the school wouldn't allow separate conferences. Of course, we saw through that one.

I am always nervous before going to these kinds of events for Clark. I always feel like the teacher is somehow judging me. I just want to blurt out, "I'm not the bad guy here. I didn't steal him from her. I didn't break up their family. She did that all on her own." I feel like I overcompensate because of it. We make a point not to mention Krypto in our conference. This is not the place to air grievances between everyone.

In order to prevent Krypto from painting us in a bad light we have started something new this year and I think it worked. We had Clark when the sign up sheet went out. We provided a copy to Krypto as required by the date required. We then sent an email to his teacher asking for separate conferences and advising her Krypto would be turning her form in later. His teacher responded the next week with a time and stated Krypto had not turned in another sheet.

This is the sneaky part. We sent an email to Krypto reminding her she needed to send her sheet in if she wanted a conference and referenced the previous email we sent her 5 days earlier. We blind carbon copied the teacher so Krypto had no idea the teacher received a copy of the email. The next day Krypto contacted the teacher to schedule the appointment and claimed she just found out about it because Superman doesn't communicate with her. Now she looks like a liar.

The teacher told us Clark is doing very well and continues to improve in his reading. We have been struggling with him on his reading and writing. She showed us some of his work to compare and there was a significant difference in his writing. He has been working really hard and we are very proud of him.

His teacher is very strict and I think that has helped Clark stay in line. Clark tends to try to push his boundaries with women. I think it's because his mother doesn't seem to follow through with the punishments or limits she sets. His teacher pushes him just enough without being harsh or mean. She knows when he can't and when he doesn't want to.

Back from the Dead

Well I made it. It didn't kill me. It tried and failed. I have been sick and trying to figure out how it is possible to be stuffed up and have runny nose at the same time. But I am finally recovered. I call it a sickness because the plague is too harsh. But only slightly. At the beginning of the week Superman was sick and I spent most of the week trying to keep the kids quarantined and away so they didn't get sick. It worked. For them.

So I got to the spend the rest of the week in bed trying to recover myself. I'm almost 100 percent. Some new developments have happened in my absence from the blogosphere. We decided to get an attorney instead of pushing for mediation with Lexie. The attorney seemed pretty certain we would get the increase in visitation and the child support wouldn't go up any significant amount since Lois is no longer included. Superman and the attorney are supposed to sit down with the other side sometime this week.

Lexie is not going to be happy when she realizes increase will not even pay for her attorney fees.

On the other end, Krypto has yet to respond to the mediation request. We've heard she is attempting to file contempt charges. For what I don't know. Her definition of contempt is not doing what she wants. We'll see what happens with that.

Milestone

Clark lost his first baby tooth last night. He pulled it himself. He was very proud because he didn't even cry. We caught the entire affair on video. Clark had been asking us to pull it all week but after discussing it we decided we would encourage him to do it himself. We wanted the decision to pull it to be his not look like an attempt by us to exclude Krypto from a major milestone. After returning from midweek visitation with her on Tuesday, Clark informed us he was told not to pull it until Friday when he goes back to her house.

Clark was working up the courage last night and was trying to get one of us to do it. He was drilling us about hard we would pull and if I would be easier. At one point he asked me directly to pull it and attempted to hand me the washcloth. My first thought was I would never hear the end of it if I was responsible for his first tooth being pulled. By the time she got done with the story I would be holding him down, prying the tooth from his head with pliers all the while he screams for his mother. No thank you.

In an attempt to purge myself of the guilt I surprisingly had over Krypto not being present for the event I spent close to an hour trying to edit the video to send to Krypto. By the time I was done I was tired of hearing my own voice on the tape. You could tell I was excited and apparently I turn into a tweaking chipmunk with a southern drawl when I get excited. Who knew?

After watching the newly edited video, Superman commented on my voice in the tape and how much she is going to hate hearing it. I ended up not sending the video yet. I have to decide if it will come across as a nice gesture or will she perceive it as an attempt to gloat over her not being a part of it? Or am I screwed either way?

Superman sent an email and some photos we took. Is every milestone going to be a race between us?

Taking the BullS*&@ By The Horns

I hope we didn't make a mistake but we decided to attack on both fronts. We already had a court date set for October with Lexie regarding the child support and visitation issues. Well, we decided to quit playing games with Krypto also. Superman sent her attorney a letter advising of 3 mediation appointments his client needs to choose from. If she refuses we will be filing contempt papers.

Krypto has a history of scheduling mediation and then backing out once she cools off or she gets distracted by something else. She did it in November 2008 (when she found out we were having a boy) and this year in April (after Kent was born). Both times she has not followed up on the appointment and they are never rescheduled. This time we are calling her bluff.

Superman called Lexie's attorney yesterday and advised her he was seeking mediation either by Lexie's agreement or he would request a court order to force her into it. She seemed receptive and stated she would contact Lexie to see what she says. In the past she was not interested but we will see what she says.

I think in order for us both to stay sane we need this to be resolved. I know I do. Some days I am too focused on them to concentrate on my own responsibilities and priorities. They are already a bigger part of my life than I want and I definitely don't need them taking permanent residence inside my head. So they are being evicted. Now I just have to figure out how to do that. Surely there's a twelve step program out there for it.

Surgery

Clark had surgery today. He had tubes put in his ears for the 4th time. It's our week so we got up and took him to the outpatient clinic this morning. Superman called Krypto yesterday and told her he was supposed to be there at 7:15. He confirmed she would be coming. We decided I would come and wait in the waiting room. I was not going to the recovery room. We didn't want to cause Clark any more stress from the tension that would no doubt be created by me stepping on Krypto's "mom space". No big deal. I am there for Superman and Clark not her. He wants me there. So that's where I will be. She of course didn't stroll in until 7:30. She lives exactly 3 miles from the clinic. But we have grown accustomed to her being late so we expected nothing less from her.

He came through with no problems and in less than 40 minutes from start to finish. The doctor said everything looked fine and this should stop the ear infections again. Hopefully this will be the last set. He made it 3 years since his last set.

As soon as they went to the recovery room to wait she asked if she could change her midweek visitation to another day. He told her he would have to get back to her. Krypto hates this. She doesn't like it when he consults me about the schedule. We decided along time ago this was a necessity if things were going to work smoothly in our household. I have a right to decide who and what affects my schedule and Superman agrees he should not be making the decision without at least consulting me.

Now normally I would have probably wouldn't have cared but not today. Just last week Krytpo scheduled his dentist appointment on our midweek before Thanksgiving and he is having a cap put on a tooth at noon. Superman asked if she would be willing to change it. Her exact words were "He will be fine. He will waiting on you at 3." So I told Superman I would be ok with her switching days if she was willing to switch ours. She, of course, was caught off guard. She was stumbling trying to come up with a reason why today is so different than the dentist apointment next month. Her argument of him not feeling and not being fair was quickly quieted by the sound of karma. Needless to say she will be having her midweek tonight because she refused to switch ours.

Birthday Party Madness

Clark's 7th birthday party was Saturday. We have access to a large room with a projector so the kids could munch on junk food, watch a movie, and play games. We had Clark at junk food. We sent out invitations to everyone in his class. In years past Krypto hasn't had a party including any of his friends and instead has a small party with her family. We didn't know until Saturday but apparently this year she is doing both this year. Clark was convinced 24 kids were going to show up at both his parties and he was going to get "a lot of stuff".

Only two of the kids showed up from his class. He had other kids and family so we think most of the others are going to Krypto's next weekend since she got her invitations out first. We need to decide how to stop the confusion for future parties not to mention the parents' of his classmates. I don't want to have to hurry and get out invitations 6 weeks early just so we can beat her to the punch. I just don't know how she will react to a suggestion of alternating years for birthday parties until he is a little older.

Clark had lots of fun at his Star Wars themed party. All the party items were 3D along with the movie we watched. The party games did not go like I imagined. I found some party games online and bought all the various items needed. I tried to keep it simple, fun and limit the possibilities of someone getting hurt. One in particular I was looking forward to was a balloon stomp game. Each person had a balloon tied to there ankle and goal was to pop everyone else's balloon before yours was popped. Unfortunately this game turned into a day at the races. The boys just ran around the group of chairs we had set up for the movie. It was bad version of duck duck goose. So I came up with the bright idea of enclosing them into a smaller area. We took four chairs and streamers and made a square. Well, this just resulted in a smaller circle the boys ran in. When it finally came down to two boys I decided they should have to hold on to each other's hand so they would have to stay close to each other. BAD IDEA! It almost became a injury inducing helicopter ride for the smaller boy. Needless to say the game quickly switched to a pop your own balloon the fastest.

After countless pieces of candy, bags of popcorn, cupcakes and ice cream, the party finally came to an end. No one was injured and Clark had a blast. He couldn't wait to get home and play with his new toys. We got everything home and unloaded and Clark began to listen to his new iPod he'd gotten and it struck me how old he has become. He was strutting around, singing, and acting like a such a big boy. I could almost see him growing up in front of me until I hear him belt out "if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it." Maybe not so grown up. I laugh and realize it was a good day to be his stepmom.

Again

Superman just called to let me know Lexie is pregnant.  Again.  Apparently she told Lois this morning.  I'm not going to say anything because of the guilt I felt over the last time.  I hope everything goes well and everyone is ok with the news of the upcoming birth of child #6.

Embarking On Adulthood

Lois is officially an adult.  She turned 18 and she is now responsible only to herself.  The decisions she makes will be her own and the consequences will also be hrs.  You could tell she had imaged this day for a long time and what would be happening.  She would be able to hang out with friends, late into the night, talking, and gossiping.  She would get to experience the freedom she has longed for these past few months.

Unfortunately reality reared its ugly head.  She was not allowed to take our car because she hasn't gotten a job to cover the additional insurance and gas she would need to experience her new found freedom.  Her friends are in high school and not allowed to go out late at night and due to the new laws in our state only one teenager can be in the car at a time past a certain time of night.   So her first night as an adult she spent with us.  You could tell she was disappointed and we tried to make her feel better without explaining being an adult is rarely fun and your schedule is usually driven by necessity not by wants.

She did take the time to organize her room since she was stuck at home and then went to bed so she could get to class and finish her GED testing.    She didn't sulk or let her mood filter out onto the rest of us.  She merely accepted it and made the best of it.  I do feel bad she didn't have a more exciting birthday. 

He Called Me Mom

We have always let Clark decide what to call me. He calls me by my first name. No big deal. It's his decision.

Now that I've said that I can tell you deep down inside, where there are things I don't share with Superman or anyone else, it does matter to me. I would love for him to call me mom. I need validation from a 6 year old that I matter. I don't like the looks from strangers in public who realize I'm the stepmother and I instantly feel judged. I doubt the clerk at Walmart is going to start yelling at me that I'm a home wrecker but still the fact remains. I would love for people to see my family and not think a second thought. Mom, dad, kids. No big deal. Yes, a part of me wants to prove a point to Krypto. I would love for her to know in Clark's eyes I am a mother at his dad's house. I know it's petty.

My 3rd anniversary of my 28th birthday was last week. (I've decided to not celebrate birthdays but rather anniversaries. I always did like being 28.) My husband and the kids got me flowers and a card. Clark and Kent picked one out and he gave it to me. It said world's greatest mom. No big deal. Clark always calls me mom when he is talking to Kent. He knows Kent will call me mom.

However, during the middle of dinner we all were discussing the upcoming birthday party for Clark. We were trying to decide what kind of games would be fun and somehow we kept trying to top each others' ideas with more outrageous ones. Then Clark says, "My friends would be like, your mom is funny." He took a minute and then said "I mean stepmom." He looked at me and looked at Superman, trying to gage our reaction. I tried not to react. I did. Really. But I couldn't stop. I started to cry. Not the big ugly cry just the I've got something in my eye. I recovered quickly and nothing more was said.

I know it's small. It may not have meant anything to anyone else but to me it means the world. Maybe, just maybe, I am slowly making progress.

She's In

Lois is now officially at our house. Her clothes are in the closet, her bed is made, and her shoes are in the closet. I had no idea she had so many clothes. We apparently only saw a small portion of her closet every other weekend. She got in later than we hoped but rain slowed the process down.

We have a strict no interrogation policy at our house. We don't question the kids about the other households. We don't ask questions designed to solicit a response. Anything they tell us is of their own free will. But I was dying to know what happened the last few days to move up the move in day by more than a week.

While unpacking with Superman, Lois told Superman Lexie wanted her to leave because it was too hard on her. Lois being there and Lexie knowing she was leaving was too much so Lois was asked to leave. Lexie apparently cried most of the day yesterday and Luther wasn't even home.

I think Lois was a little hurt. You could tell yesterday. I know this is hard on everyone. Their little girl is becoming an adult but I don't think anyone thought this is how Lois would be spending her 18th birthday.

This is what we are getting from Lois. I know she could be playing us but only time will tell. She hasn't been caught lying to us recently and she told us things in the last two weeks that we had no idea she had done. (I wish she would have kept some of those little tidbits of information to herself)

What Does A Falling Shoe Sound Like?

I knew it couldn't be easy. No fighting, no crying, no guilt trips. I hate to admit it but without these little moments my pessimistic attitude just wouldn't be justified. I'm trying to be a better person and not think the worst but what's a girl to do.

Lois called Superman yesterday to discuss her birthday dinner. For the last 12 years Superman has had dinner alone with the girls on their birthday. We kept the tradition even after we got married. Its in the visitation agreement. Its one of the few things about the agreement Superman actually really likes. Lexie in recent years has been mumbling about how unfair it is. (He gets additional 2 hours a year on their birthday and she gets the kids 12 out of every 14 days. Yeah, really unfair.) Anyways, Lois calls and asks if Superman is still able to take her birthday off next week and spend it with her as he suggested earlier in the week. Superman tells her because she didn't think it was a good idea he scheduled training that day and can not take off. Lois goes on to explain Lexie wants to have dinner with her. Lois doesn't mention changing dinner plans with Superman so Superman doesn't say anything. Lois goes on to another subject and nothing else is said.

Fast forward 6 hours. Lois calls while we were on the way to dinner. I start to cover my head because I assume the other shoe is about to fall. Lois says this statement. This is all too hard. I believe I hear Superman's heart breaking. He goes on to ask who this is hard on. She replies it is just too hard for everyone. Superman tells her he doesn't want to make anything harder for her and she can make her own decisions and we will support her. What she says next shocked both of us.

Can I move in tomorrow night? Let me repeat this. She said, Can I move in tomorrow night?

Superman quickly agreed as soon as he could chin off the floor. Lois wouldn't go into a lot of details. She just kept repeating it's just too hard and everyone came to a decision this would be best. Yeah right. Lois made a decision and did not cave under her mother's pressure which probably led to this. She is basically being told to leave.

About 3 hours later, Lois calls and tells us Lexie doesn't want us to waste gas by coming to help her move so Lois's friends have decided to help her. Now this is the woman who wanted us to let Lois take our car during our visitation to drive to her house 15 miles away so Lois could water her plants. Did I mention it was raining at the time? Waste gas, my ass. She doesn't want to see Superman.

So as of 6pm tonight Lois will be at our house with all her worldly possessions. I am very proud she was able to make a decision and stick to it. Not because it makes Superman happy (although that is a definite bonus for me) but because she weighed her options and decided this was the best choice for her. Maybe she is growing up?

Almost Official

Lois called Superman and told him she has decided to move in October 2. She said Lexie and Luther approached her and directly asked her what her plans were following her birthday. She told them she was going to move in with us. According to Lois, they really didn't say anything. They are allowing her to take all her clothes, a dresser, and her bedroom comforter set. It actually is a lot more than I expected.

My cynical side thinks they are allowing her to go because they will no longer receive child support for her anymore since she isn't in school and she will be 18 in a week. Lexie already tried to enroll her in school in July after homeschooling her for several years. I think in an attempt to extend child support on her. But we will never be sure of her real motives.

This will be the second child leaving their house when they weren't getting along. Luther's oldest daughter was forced to go back to her mother's house. Lexie was telling people "we sent her back to her mother." I understand having problems in the house but it seems those problems are not such a big deal until they turn 18. We have offered to take Lois during some stressful times at Lexie's house for a short period of time to allow everyone to cool off. She wouldn't think of it.

She has tried to guilt Lois in the past to stay. She would stand her in front of her siblings and asked her to explain to them why she was abandoning them. Now she has an sudden change of heart and she has no problem letting her go. Crazy.

On a positive note Clark will have time with his sister that he has never had before. Kent will hopefully get to know his oldest sibling before she leaves the house. I have always wondered what kind of relationship those two will have because of the age difference. Will they be like siblings or more like the distant relative you talk to only on holidays and birthdays? Of course Superman will have time with his daughter. He has missed her so much and regrets a lot of the decisions he made when he was younger. He feels this may be his chance to make up for lost time.

Who knows maybe she and I will develop a deeper relationship? Fingers are crossed and prayers are being said.

Moving In?

Superman and I had our sit down with Lois. We told her everything that was expected of her if she were to decide to move in with us. We tried to be fair without being doormats. I think we reached a good balance. This is all too new for me still. I don't have 18 years experience of being a parent. I never got the slow and steady transition. All I got was driving, dating, and now her becoming an adult.

We decided she did not have to ask permission to go out but the door locks at 10:30 during the week and if she isn't home by then she will need to make other arrangements. It's extended to midnight on weekends. She is responsible for the expenses she brings into the house. We will no longer be doing her laundry or keeping the bedroom clean. If she wants anything special she'll need to buy it. We are only asking for the difference in utilities, insurance and small amount per week for food, etc. Our house will not be a storage building. If she is not home for extended periods of time she will forced to make a decision.

We want her to use this time living with us to learn how to manage her money. That's why she is required to have her "bills" paid to us on a specific date. If she fails to act like an adult and have her bills paid she will no longer be treated like an adult. If she decides to attend college full time the arrangement will be reevaluated.

I tried to express my concerns to Superman. He is so excited about Lois possibly moving in. I just don't want him to be blinded and no stick to the rules we have created. I told him if Lois starts breaking the rules or becomes a disruption to the boys then he will need to do what's necessary. I told him specifically not to tell me I don't understand if an issues ever comes up. I know I don't understand not having your child with you but he wouldn't be doing her any good if he allows her to walk all over us.

I hope this works out for Superman's sake. She is supposed to tell us a definite answer this week. All I asked from her specifically is that she approach her mother as an adult. She is not to blurt out she is moving in a fit of anger or in the heat of the moment. If she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to start acting like one with her first decision.

Close To Home

I'm having a bad day. My job has gotten me down. I work for a child support enforcement agency which is about like saying I work for the devil or the IRS. I tend to tell strangers and acquaintances I work for the State in collections. Most people pay child support or knows somebody does and nobody likes the system.
Most days I enjoy my job. I get money for custodial parents who need it and help non custodial parents keep the system fair. I can understand both sides of the child support coin.

Today I am having a hard time remembering why I do this. I have both parties calling complaining and bitching expressing their opinions about what they deserve. It's either not enough, too much or the other doesn't deserve it. I get it. You don't like the other person and you haven't gotten over whatever led you to being apart. Please don't spew the hate on me.

Our own child support modification hearing is fast approaching. I know how the system works which has helped but Superman is not willing to take my advise. I deal with this everyday. I can figure out how much he is supposed to pay with one hand tied behind my back and a broken calculator.

He went as far as to ask an attorney how to fill out the initial paperwork. The same paperwork I help parents fill out every day. That hurt my feelings. He would be offended if I didn't take his word for something having to do with his job but since I don't charge $200 per hour I must not know what I'm doing?

Facebook Friends Obsessions

Like most people I have a Facebook. I don't use mine to network or keep in touch with acquaintances from preschool. I use mine as another way of staying close to family and friends. A one-stop shop for pictures, videos and quick updates. I am very particular who I allow to be my friend.

While browsing my family and friends updates and such, I notice my sister-in-law has a new friend who commented on her status. IT'S KRYPTO!!! What the hell? They hate each other. I can't help myself. I start looking some more. Superman's niece and Kent's Godmother are also her friends now.

This really wouldn't be such a problem if any of these people liked her. They all know the turmoil she has caused and all were there when she stole from Superman while he was recovering from brain surgery. I am hurt. I instantly feel somehow this is a stab at me. Am I really liked by these people or would they rather have Krypto back? Surely not.

On a separate issue I know Superman's niece has pictures of Kent on her Facebook and now Krypto has access to those. Normally this isn't that big of a deal however there is a very concerning back story.

About 2 months after Kent was born we took him to see his other Aunt and Niece. They both have stayed in very close contact with Krypto. Because of this we limit the time we spend with them because they report everything to her. We know this but we still want them to meet their newest nephew/cousin. Unfortunately the Niece was not home when we went by. In the next couple of days we send a photo to her phone of Kent because she desperately wanted to see him. No big deal.

Fast forward one month. While changing Kent, Clark makes a simple unprompted statement. "My mom has a picture of Kent on her phone." My first thought is, of course, what is that crazy bitch doing with a picture of my son???. Superman calmly responds, "Really, where did she get that?" Clark not realizing anything out of the ordinary replies "My Cousin". Steam shoots from my ears.

What kind of person carries a picture of her ex-husband's new child around on her phone??? She doesn't even like me or the thought of Superman having another child. She is seriously disturbed. Superman approaches his Niece later and asks why she gave a picture of Kent to Krypto. She denies she did it but Kryto did have her phone and was looking through it. She was told no more pictures would be given to her or her mother.

Now back to the Facebook dilemma. When the sister-in-law and Niece come over for dinner Niece actually brings up the subject. Superman asks her why she did it. She is concerned by our reaction but admits it was for a business opportunity she has with Krypto that she already asked us about. She wanted to make sure we didn't feel like it was a conflict of interest. We told her back then if she could make money off her then she could do anything she wanted with our blessing. We told her the story regarding the phone pictures and she offered to take Kent's pictures off her site.

My sister-in-law denies she is on her friends lists but after logging in she finds it to be true. She continuously goes on and on about how much she doesn't like the woman. But I think she is protesting too much. I think we have another person on our hands who is obsessed with her friend count and is willing to add her just to increase her number.

So the pictures have been removed from Krypto's access and hopefullly no damage has been done.

Huge F&%@*$& Balls

I was sitting at my desk at work when my phone goes off. It was a text from Superman.

I just found out that Luther called my job trying to get

me in trouble for the two checks from insurance.

My first reaction is I'm going to hurt that bastard complete outrage. How dare he try to call Superman's work to get him in trouble. Superman received an email this previous weekend requesting we research some insurance payments that were possibly made to us instead of the provider. Superman sent a response on Wednesday letting Lexie know it had been researched and we did in fact receive the checks. He let her know it would be paid to her in the next month. No big deal right? Apparently not.

Superman's job could have been in jeopardy had they believed he used his influence of his position to keep the money. Thank goodness Luther was told Superman has not done anything that constitutes their involvement. He was also told he did not have a right to file a complaint because the matters involved do not concern him. If a complaint needed to be filed Lexie needed to make contact in person.

After doing more research my husband found out this actually happened several months ago. He was never told of it by his supervisors because it was a considered a frivolous complaint by an angry ex-wife.

So I ask why did it take her several months to inform us of the error? If she wanted her share why didn't she just ask instead of going to his employer? If she didn't want to address it with Superman why not wait until court to bring it up? Does this crazy bitch Lexie understand if he loses his job the child support she has gotten so accustomed to receiving every two weeks for the last 12 years would stop??? What the F&@!?

A Step Back

Superman and I had a heated lively discussion on Tuesday night. We are currently in court proceedings with Lexie. She has decided she wants an increase in child support. She brought it up last year and Superman was willing to sign for the increase without any fuss. No court, no attorneys. On one stipulation. She must agree to increase the visitation time to the new standards in our state. He would get an additional night during the week and an extra week during the summer. We thought the request was fair. She did not.

Fast forward to May 2009. Superman gets served in the driveway with Lois and Lane standing next to him. Good times. We haven't gotten an attorney yet and hopefully don't need to. We both have enough experience with the legal system we have filed everything ourselves. We don't expect the child support to change much. Lois is emancipating so the support will only be for one child instead of two.

In the past I kept up with all the everyday tasks that needed to be done in relation to Lexie and Krypto. I emailed all the insurance documents, school papers, kept up with the exchange and payment of all medical bills, not to mention keeping a daily log book of all dealings with Krypto. Since Kent has been born I have slacked on it. unfortunately I don't feel Superman has picked up that slack. Things are starting to slowly get behind. Medical bills aren't getting reimbursed on time, receipts not being provided, and EOBs are not getting to the other sides.

With court fast approaching I feel everything needs to be in order. I tried to explain to Superman that I felt I had to be waist deep in this mess or things would fall apart. I had told him last year I needed to take a step back, to focus on my pregnancy and just take a break. This hasn't happened yet.

Superman will be the first to admit he has the memory of a goldfish.

Swim. Swim. Swim. Look a Castle. Swim.Swim. Swim.

Look a Castle! Swim. Swim. Swim. Wow! Is that a Castle?

Krypto knows this. Lexie knows this. I know this. The kids know this. Everyone knows I am the organized one. It annoys Krypto to no end that I am the one who sends her the things she needs. When she asks Superman if he got the email about Clark's dentist appointment or whatever the case may be, he tends to make the same reply. Whether or not he's seen it. I don't know. I'll have to look. This annoys me to no end because he does it to annoy her. I feel Krypto thinks I am hiding things from him. I, of course, express this to Superman. He proceeds to tell me that this is not always about me and he's sure they don't even think that.
The numerous emails from Krypto accusing me of this very thing point to a major flaw in his argument. I need a break from this. I did not ask to be his divorce and custody secretary. I want to help but not feel it is my responsiblity. I'm a little annoyed with the entire situation right now. I have the responsibilities of being their mother but none of the rights. I don't have a say what happens in the court room but it will directly affect my family. I don't have a right to defend myself against the lies and innuendos that are tossed around about me.

*********************

Lord, Please give me patience.

And when my patience fails me,
please give me the strength to bury the bodies.

Amen

Did Somebody Push Rewind

Lois is about to turn 18 years old. Superman is trying to deal with his oldest daughter becoming an adult, mainly by making plans to drink himself silly on the day of her birth. He has already informed her, the birthday money which in years past has gone to buy her a present will be going towards the purchasing of his alcohol.

Lois approached Superman a couple of weeks ago asking if she could move in with us once she turns 18. We had just gotten married when she asked to move in the first time. We decided she needed to confront her mother before we took the steps to have custody changed. By the end of the summer, Lois admitted she was using Superman in an attempt to get back at her mother. Superman was hurt and devastated.

I think this was the first time I felt betrayed by her and I admit it did damage our relationship. I don't think I fully recovered. I still don't trust her completely and I think she manipulates her family to get what she wants. I know she is a good person I just hope she realizes her mistakes before its too late.

The following summer she used the same technique only against us. She was mad at us so she told her mother our house stressed her out and she didn't want to come. Of course,Lexie did not return the courtesy. She allowed Lois to stay away inspite of the court order. Once again Superman was the injured party.

Lois is currently on lock down at both houses. In recent years she has become very manipulative, dishonest, and moody. More recently it all came to a head when she was confronted with direct evidence of her lies. She admitted to Superman several things which completely devastated him and he is still trying to deal with. In a moment of bad judgement Lois decided to post on facebook her conversation with her father. Unfortunately Lexie was also online spot checking her facebook.

This resulted in Lois once again asking to move with us. At the time Lois was not yet 18 and we decided it was best if Lois understood her decisions have consequences and our house was not to be used to hide from difficult situations.

As her birthday fast approaches we have come to a decision to let her move in. My hesitation comes from past experiences but my agreement comes from the hope Superman will have much wanted time with his daughter.

I do not know what is going to come but I know Lexie is going to want to kill Superman not going to be happy. She will see this as a betrayal and will do everything in her power to change her mind. I do not know if Superman will have the strength to enforce the agreement we will have with Lois. I can not allow her behavior to affect Clark or Kent. They deserve a stable enviroment.

A Real Mommy?

Kent is turning 6 months old tomorrow. Superman has asked me several times since he was born if I felt like a "real" mommy now. I don't know if Kent being born was supposed to somehow bestow upon me an overwhelming sense of motherhood that was lacking prior to his birth or a profound knowledge that come only with giving birth to a child. To be honest, I don't' feel like a "real" mommy. I don't feel different at all.

I admit I do have different feelings for Kent. But I have different feelings about all the kids. I don't think admitting that makes me a bad pretend mommy or a better real mommy. I think I can admit I have a connection with Kent that I will never be able to have with Lois, Lane, or Clark. But we also share something Kent will never experience. My relationship is different with everyone. Not better. Not worse. Just different and that's ok.

My perception of my standing in the family and with Lexie and Krypto has changed. I always felt somewhat on the outside. My only real connection to the family was Superman. I had a relationship with all the kids but somehow always felt I could easily be taken out of the equation. I was tied to this family but not bound.
With Kent's birth I now feel that my connection is stronger. A bond has been found that can not be broken and is tangible. I am somebody's mother and my opinion does matter. My opinion matters because my child is a part of this household and I do have a right to changes things that effect him.

The hurtful phrases no longer can be used to make me feel like I am somehow lacking.

If you were a mother you would understand.

You don't know what you are talking about because you don't have kids.

I am a real mommy and yes, a pretend mommy. Maybe one day I will be just mommy.

Medical Decisions

After recovering from the midweek drama I was looking forward to spending some time with Superman. On Sunday, we went to breakfast and then furniture shopping. We even took the time to look at name books at Borders and finally decided on a middle name for Kent. We go home to get ready for church when a text message comes in from Krypto.



I need you to call me.



This message bothers me to no end. She never asks, or calls first, or attempts to leave a message. She expects him to immediately call with no respect for our schedule. He replies to her asking for more information. Ultimately, texts are traded back and forth with no real information being gathered. The last one, states Superman must not want to help and she'll let him know if Clark goes to the hospital. Now she knows that will be a reaction out of him. And of course he has to call.



She proceeds to tell Superman, Clark has thrown up 20 times today and had diarrhea three times. Now keep in mind, she is known for blowing things out of proporation. To ease Superman's mind, I give him questions to ask to determine if Clark may be getting dehydrated. Has he gone to the bathroom? How often? What do his lips look like? What about his tongue?


She is desribing someone who is fine and not suffering from anything except maybe a stomach virus at this point. She of course wants Superman to make a decision whether or not to take him to the emergency room.


We have discussed this before. Whoever has Clark will be the one to make the decision regarding his care. If we were to make the decision it would surely be thrown back in our faces and if she can handle joint custody she needs to be comfortable making medical decisions.


I am now attempting to find information on after hour clinics. The one we usually use is of course about to close. We ask if she attempted to treat with anything over the counter. She states she went to one store and they didn't have anything so she came home. We ask if she attmepted to get into the clinic. She states the phone was busy. FYI. Its walkins only. No appointments and she knows this.


So what happens. The pretend mommy get on the internet and searches for clinics in our area that are still open. I call 8 different one until I find one in a nearby city that stays open late. I call the clinic to verify all the necessary details. They will be able to see Clark if she is there by 7:30. I get the phone number, addresss, and provide it to Superman who passes along to Krypto. Superman still will not make the decision for her. He tells her if she decides to take him then she needs to contact him.


I am upset. I may be the pretend mommy but why was she not doing this? If our situations were reversed and I had had Clark when he was sick I would have been calling in the morning not waiting until the last minute.

Midweek Drama

We experienced the Ice Storm of 2009 this week. Clark has been home all week with school being out. It was our week so I stayed home with him while Superman was having to work. We all fared well until the power went out. I fully expected it but not a mere hour after my husband left for work. I hate driving on ice and our vehicle was iced shut in the yard because it wasn't' able to make it up the driveway. My sister-in-law was nice enough to come rescue us so we wouldn't freeze. On Monday, Superman discussed with Krypto her midweek visitation. They agreed she wouldn't come and get him since the weather was so bad but we would let her take it later in the week. Now I had a bad feeling this decision will come back and haunt us.

I was right. On Thursday the roads were beginning to melt and power was being restored. Superman asked Krypto if she was still coming to pick him up. Initially she states she will take him for a little bit. She states she'll take him to dinner somewhere nearby so she doesn't have to drive very far with him. No problem. She has gone to work everyday so she has driven on the ice when it was at its worst so Thursday should be no problem. Shortly after that conversation, she tells Superman she has decided not to come. Also no problem. We assume the conversation is over regarding this week's visitation. Little did we know.

On Friday, she comes to pick Clark up and I tell him I would see him Monday. Apparently, when I said I'll see you Monday she heard must have heard "Ha Ha. We get our midweek and you didn't." Within minutes of her leaving the driveway, she is texting Superman. She states to be fair we shouldn't get out midweek to which Superman replies he is not missing time with his son and she is the one who decided not to take advantage of Thursday. She responds we must have wanted to put her and Clark's life in danger to come and get him.

Now if you decide to make a moral stand about putting Clark's life in danger then please don't be texting while driving on ice. It kind of negates any highground you might have had.

Sibling Class

We went to a sibling class today for Clark. It was to help Clark transition from being the youngest to an older brother. The instructor brought a lot of the same topics up we have already covered and Clark was very proud of himself for being able to answer correctly. She also addressed concepts we had not even thought of. She addressed the issue of the new baby receiving a lot of attention and presents. She compared it with his own birthday and he seemed satisfied with the explanation. He has even decided he can help Kent open his birthday presents since he will be too young to do it when he gets here. Overall it was a good class and would recommend it to anyone. He was however a little shocked by the concept of breastfeeding. We will probably get an angry email over that one.

The instructor was not aware I was the stepmother. She referred to me as mom during the class. I was curious to see how he would react. After we were first married, Clark would correct people and tell them I wasn't his mother. Over time the reaction has started to change. I think being around kids his own age with stepparents has helped him understand more. His counselor he went to for a short period of time reinforced it was ok if he had two mommy's even if he didn't call me that.

Clark has always called me by my first name and he knows it is his choice what he can call me. Recently he has started asking more questions about calling me mom. He is very curious about what Kent will call me and asked several time if he could call me mom too if he wanted. We want it to be his choice but we don't want him to feel he is being left out of anything that his brother is doing. It's walking a tight rope because Krypto would not be happy if she knew he was considering the idea.

Jumping to Conclusions

We picked the girls up today as usual. They are in the process of moving to the new house. Superman asks Lane how school went today. She responds she didn't go today because her mother needed her help. I instantly tense up. Lexie, in the past, has kept Lane home for reasons I wouldn't consider important enough to stay home for such as being grounded from school, needed help cleaning for company, etc. Besides Lane hates to miss school and it puts her into a panic.

Before anyone can express any feelings of regret or disapproval, Lane states, "My mom had a miscarriage and needed me." I immediately regret jumping to conclusions. I start to tear up. Superman and I had experienced a miscarriage ourselves earlier in the year and I can understand the pain she must be going through, both physically and emotionally. My disapproval was not warranted and I'm glad Lane never new my initial thoughts on the matter.

Both Superman and I did not feel it was in the girls best interest to have her mother expecting another child but I do wish this situation had ended differently. This is her third miscarriage. I pray she will be be strong and get through this hard time with the support of her husband and family.

And so it begins

We dropped Clark off at Kryto's house following our midweek visitation. As usual, I stay in the vehicle while Superman takes him to the door. I make a conscious effort not to appear bothered when she keeps talking to Superman at the door, usually about nothing important. I think she does this because she knows I'm waiting for him in the car.

Tonight was exceptionally long. When Superman gets into the car he proceeds to tell me about the conversation he just had with Krypto. Initially it was about dentist appointments and other things like that. Then the conversation switched to Kent's upcoming arrival. When all was said, she basically was asking Superman to give her Clark when Kent is born because she does not want him "neglected". Superman was caught off guard by the comments and told her in no certain terms he would be taken care of and not to worry about it. And the visitation schedule would not be changing due to Kent's birth.

We have made a decision not to share details or at least be vague about Kent with her because we did not feel it was any of her business. We have not encouraged Clark to keep secrets from her but we were not going to make her a priority in this particular situation. In fact, she's never brought up the subject before. Superman tells me she referred to him as "Kent" just like Clark has been doing since we found out he was a boy. I don't know why that bothers me so much.

The idea of my son's name coming out of her mouth makes my stomach turn. I really don't want her trying to sneak a peak at him while dropping Clark off either. I want to shield him from what I will believe will be a negative person in his life. How do I balance wanting to keep Kent away from her prying but not giving Clark the impression his mother is a bad influence?

Making Plans

We are beginning to make plans for Kent's arrival. This is only complicated by the schedules of the kids. In a perfect world the kids would get to come to the hospital after Kent's arrival and get to have some family time before things get too hectic with bringing him home. I'm just not so sure it is going to happen.

We haven't even brought up the subject with Krypto yet. I am not looking forward to her reaction. She is still seething from the knowledge we are having a boy. I don't know if she'll be willing to switch days or not.

I think I need to step back from the situation a little. Even as I type this I realize it is not "we" who should be bringing up the subject. Ultimately it is Superman's responsibility. I think we have gotten to a point where he understands my feelings on the issues of the exes. I want to be involved in decisions that affect my home and our time as a family. I do need to let him handle the communication more without interference from me. Now if only I can get rid of my control issues all my problems would be solved.

Seriously

Lexie is pregnant. Again. That would be her 6th child at the age of 37. Lois told her dad on Saturday that Lexie and Luther are going to have another child. In normal circumstances I would be very happy for a woman newly pregnant. However in this case, I am in shock and concerned for the impact this will have on the girls.

Lexie was told several pregnancies ago not to have any more kids because of the health risks. Lexie and Luther have been struggling financially for some time now. They own their own construction business and the market is not what is used to be. They were struggling before the economy went downhill. They filed for bankruptcy last year and that didn't seem to help their financial stability. They tend to spend when they get money and are not big on saving. They live well beyond their means.

The girls have now told us they are moving to a smaller house and will have to share a room now. That by itself is fine but then the kicker. They have to share a bed too. The girls are 17 and 15. How could you ask them to do that?

Superman and I drove by the house they plan to rent. No one will convince me that they couldn't find a better house suited for them for a lot less money if you took pride out of the equation. It sits on a hill with absolutely no yard. There will be 6 kids in this house within a short period of time. The house is newly built but apparently having a non-functioning theater room is more important than giving her daughters privacy.

I'm am trying to put things in perspective but sometimes when faced with such hypocrisy it is hard to do. How does a person justify getting the washer and dryer reposed one week and then decide its a good idea to rent all new furniture for the new house the next???

Give me strength not to open my mouth.

It's Complicated

My life is complicated. It consists of various schedules either imposed by a court, our employers, or a self-induced compulsive need to organize. My husband works for the city on rotating shifts every two months. Superman has visitation with Lois and Lane on a standard schedule of every other weekend and he has joint custody of Clark. Clark is with us one week and then with Kryptonite the next week with a midweek visitation night somewhere in the middle. Our life is planned around these.

I feel the need to give a back story to my life. Superman has been married three times including his marriage to me. His first marriage was to Lexie. High school sweethearts get married, have kids and then realize they have grown up and apart. They have been divorced for over ten years now. The relationship with Lexie is manageable. She is married to Luther. There are bumps along the way and we sometimes disagree but all-in-all not bad. No major drama.

Now comes the drama. Superman's second ex-wife, Kryptonite. They were married for 4 years and the divorce was final in 2005. They share joint custody of Clark. This relationship is not so good. She is not what I would call stable. She embezzled money from two former employers, has been diagnosed bi-polar, is living with her parents and is currently attempting to drive Superman and myself crazy. Ok, maybe not on purpose, but it's the end result.

Superman and I started dating in 2006 and were married in 2007. Just to set the record straight. I did not know Superman when he was with Kryptonite. I did not steal him, or take him away from his family. He was legally, morally, and emotionally divorced from this women a long time before our relationship. I never stayed in his home while the kids were there. From the beginning we made the children a priority. We built our relationship around the knowledge his life included the kids and that point was not negotiable.

So why the bitterness between me and Kryptonite you ask? Because I am the new wife, the new stepmother, and I can only imagine a threat to her position in this little drama. I am the understudy just waiting in the wings to step in when she is unable to perform the role. She does not understand I do not want to replace her. Honestly. I want a special relationship with my stepchildren, different but unique. The kids need both parents. I respect her position as his mother. Just not the way she always performs as his mother.

This is my struggle towards enlightenment.

Not the Mommy

I am a pretend mother. I am not the real mommy. I know this because I have been told countless times. I am responsible for getting the kids dressed, to school on time, help with homework, and fix life's bumps and bruises whether real or imaginary.

But, I can not stress this point enough. I am the pretend mommy.

I did not give birth to these children. I was not there in the beginning. I do not remember the first steps or the look on my husband's face when they were born. I came into the picture later. Apparently too late to be anything but the pretend mommy.

I begin this with a hope I can come to terms with being a pretend mommy. I want to be able to rise above the disagreements, hurt feelings, and selfishness that comes so often with the blending of families. I want to be a better pretend mommy. I want to count, to have my opinion mean something.